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<blogEntry id="3062">
	<title><![CDATA[when I get snarky]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[One ogf the most helpful "ukemi" practices I do is to have a reaction to a post in a discussion which sets me off, write my response and then hit "delete" instead of "submit". It is a measure of my ability to contain myself and act from a place or response-ability rather than reactionality (yeah, I male up words,too).

Sometimes tho, the thing that wants to get said can be a valuable indication to me of how I am and sometimes its something that I believe is a valid question or statement that, if posted in a discussion can be misinterpreted as me being argumentative when I think I am being rhetorical.I'm thinking I can use this space to make comments which I believe might be deleterious to the discussion I'm reacting (as opposed to responding) to. So here goes-

On the "which is more effective for *anxiety reduction*, aikido or yoga" question:

...and after this one you could do -
the benefite aof aikido AND yoga
as compared to say, yoga and meditation
or aikido and role-playing
or aikido and religious practice 
or religious practice and yoga
or yoga and basketball
or basketball and ballet
or even which lends itself to creating More anxiety, the desire to advance in yoga or the desire to advance in aikido
or is it better for anxiety reduction or anger management?
or which is more/less competitive?
I"m really not trying to be argumentative here, but as a long-time yoga practitionar and 2nd kyu, these are both practices I have some experience in, and while they both have their benefits in far more ways than simple physical flexibility or physical self defense, most of them are Side Effects of the practice and really have nothing more to do with each other than apples and oranges.

Except that the fundamental philosophy in both yoga and aikido is to Accept What Is. And the better we can do this, the better we are in every other respect, be it anger, fear or  comparing ourselves to others.]]></body>
	<date>08-23-2007</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3051">
	<title><![CDATA[Taking the Hit]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[This week we're working on the moment of "impact", the split second that happens At the grab, so Sensei had everyone do hard, forceful morote dori attacks, strong and faster. I was having fun with it, finding my extension, moving my center, not forcing the technique but really feeling the directionality of uke's movement and simply letting them go where they were trying to go. 
Of course at first the boys were being pretty tentative in their attacks, so I kept asking for more until they were giving me stuff I could Work with and now have the bruises, albeit invisible to my eye, to not show for it. 
What was curious was my ukemi. Either I wouldn't allow the throw but walk right under their arms- the technique being morote dori sayu iriminage, if i dont want to be thrown in iriminage I don't lose my balance, or the inverse, or somethng like that. 
But this was extereme.I would just spin out and laugh. Or fall down badly. I couldn't remember which shoulder went with which foot tucked. I backpedaled.When I did manage to fall my toe would get stuck between mats, or go up my gi, or I'd have to abort a roll due to impending collision;I just couldn't take technique for anything. 
I finally brought it up to Sensei, who had me attack one of the nidans, and we watched me get halfway turned around- I can't remember the exact technique by then, maybe an ura iriminage from morotedori- anyway, I stated backpedaling and saying 'see, like this" and Sensei had my partner hold me there at that point and asked me what I was trying to say and it was clearly "Don't Meke Me DO This" 
Yes, the girl who trains Specifically to learn how to let go of having to be in Control or Everything can't let go. Quel surprise. I learned years ago that I am never going to be the world's greatest uke. I can't take what I put out and Thursday we were really putting it out. 
This morning (Saturday) I observed; I don't like to train when I've been out too late on Friday night. but I usually attend class anyway. This morning the attacks were katatedori, but the same thing, scrutinising the moment of the grab, first the physical and later in the trraining, for those who could grasp it, the energetic., which of course applied to the black belts. I was watching their bodies at the moment of the grab, seeing how each of them reacted-some moved away from the attack with their center, some
sheltered their heart centers, one jutted his head & chin forward as if in defiance. Which Is how I know I react to the hit, bull my way right back through whatever is attacking me. It was cool to watch this lessening as training progressed, opening up their centers and their body languge change from Escape to Invitation. 
Sensei pulled me aside and told me "Jo, your starting to become a Senior Student" and I thought he was about to compliment me when he said "I want you to start concentrating on watching the black belts" But he didn't mean Technically, he meant Behaviorally. He wants me to embody more of the interpersonal qualities that they have. 
" Last week somebody said something that irked you and you threatened them with your stick. Senior Students don't DO that"; And went back to teaching. 
I nodded, went and sat down and watched the whole cavalcade of possible reactions I would have had five or threee or two years ago, the rebuttals, the excuses, all the protests, everything that comes up whe I feel Like I am being told I am not Good Enough. And knowing it highly probable that I was just farting around with whoever it was I was interacting with, and also knowing full well how aggressive I can appear when I am trying to be humourous, or worse, ironic. I know how people react to me negatively even when I am doing my damndest to be positive (or even when I am just simply Being Positive, it can be a little overwhelming to see a boisterous, happy, excited me, too), and I know that while their reactions are "erroneous" most of the time, I Cannot change other peples reactions, I can only change the input that they receive from me, which means a tighter rein on my output.. 
But I must be Good Enough or Sensei wouldn't be demanding this of me Now, rather than six months ago. This is like when I had passed my third kyu test and Sensei told me that as I was then I would never have passed a second kyu test. Well, yeah. But I started training for that next test at that moment and a year later that was the most enjoyable of all my tests so far. 
And I know he knows what kind of terrible emotional condition I 've been in for the past year, I'm suprised he believes I can rise ths far out of where i've been living so soon. 
After class I went and sat with him as he folded his hakama and said "Thank You for the hit" and he smiled and said Your'e Welcome. 
This is the year I train to embody the qualities of a yudansha so that maybe Next year I might be one. Not probable, I haven't yet decided to test for first kyu this year if asked, but possible.]]></body>
	<date>08-07-2007</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2805">
	<title><![CDATA[sucking at a higher level]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Aikido tests are over for the year. Last night I thought I would be to sick to test, today I am a Brown Belt! 
The test itself was a blur but all I knw was I ended up the jiyuwaza with two attackers Smiling, and thats really all that mattered, really. Best jiyuwaza I've Ever done, now I think I Get It. 
Sorta.... 
And the Only corrections I get were universal in the dojo, every one of us had the same problem so the teaching staff know now what they need to concentrate on with us. 
And Janet came to give me support, which she did by taping up my wrist, and giving me her very own gently worn brown belt to wear,which I will not actually wear on the mat until everybody else gets their new belts. 
Now to work on the next one. Yokumenuchi ikkyo-yonkyo. Katadori ikkyo-yonkyo suwariwaza. Koshis...Variations(everybody's weak point) 
Maybe I can do it in a year.... 
It was a good test.]]></body>
	<date>11-18-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2804">
	<title><![CDATA[pre-test morning]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Felt like shit all day yesterday. THat, "oh fuck I'm getting sick and have to get up on stage in twenty minutes" feeling. Coughing, walking into things,incipient sore throat. Lots of chicken soop and ossilococcinum. Relax.Its just a test and you aren't training for rank anyway. 
Finally called Sensei at 9 to say I *might* hafta bail & i'm so embarrassed. He told me i wouldn't have to wait for the next test cycle, we would "work something out" which was all anyone could hope for, it was really OK with me to just let it go. 
I'm better this morning, aiting for the coffee to go through.Not 100%, just enough to knock the confidence down to a reasonable level, I feel like I was starting to get a little cocky- I believe this is known as Brown Belt Syndrome, which can't be healthy! 
And I cannot for the life of me figure out how to do katatedori iriminage... 

So I'm not as ready as I could be but i"m as ready as I am...gotta trust the System... 
]]></body>
	<date>11-18-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2800">
	<title><![CDATA[1 handed nage]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[ok so i'm typing 1 handed cuz the other one is on ice. hot & sweaty class, i didn;t even close the window b4 warnups. worked ikkyo aal night & once again sensei liked my suwariwaza, even better than my standing, at leasy on the omote, i don't recall him taking ukemi on my ura.
jiyuwaza i hear him hollering something which finally sinks in as "don't do the technique untill your hip is touching uke's hip.
well, why didn't he tell me that two months ago,or tow bloody years ago? Nancy said that one of the yudansha said neither of us was ready to hear that two months ago. i just barely heard it at all tonite but wow,when it sunk in...
i definit;y consumed the wrong caffeine tonite, usually i have a red bull but tonite i took a diet pill, big mistake.
worst momrnt of the evening-sensei calls me for variations, he wants threee from yokumen. huh???? thatt's not on my test, and i don't think i was ever taught nore than threee and we really only ever practice shihonage so of course ib froze up. Charlie took me  aside after class and showed me what I really should have been able to figure out, the same entry is used for all those thechniques that start with k that are on the test that I have thoroughly programmed now. and my uke practiced with me and promised he'd not be so hard on me during the test but he willl definitly give me strong attacks.he's gonna be a hell of a sensei some day and I am so glad we are encouraged to give & take feedback to each other regardless of rank. all my kohai have given me good feedback & advice.
Sensei says we are alll doing as well as can be expected and he expects we will all do fine. Sensei knows best.]]></body>
	<date>11-16-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2799">
	<title><![CDATA[more suwariwaza]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Nancy came over just now to do a little training. Is the first time a dojomate has been here since I started training, with the exception of my third class when I dislocated my shoulder & needed a ride! 
We crawled around on my deck on a piece of carpet and tried to only attack with my good hand, tho she got a bunch of sankyos on my bad wrist.Good thing I have lotsa smelly chinese liniment! Between Richard & me the dojo will be fragrant with mentholeucalyptus! 
But feeling her suwariwaza is helpful for mine, and mine seems to be better than I thought it was. 
I practiced my variations, still a little rocky on hijiwaza but everything else seems to be programmed into the system. 
Tonite is fine-tuning. Sweating buckets. 
YesterdayI got hypnotized. "Drop into your body. be present, be open, be in your body. Let your body remember what to do...""you can do Anything" 

I can,huh? 

Nanacy was very complimentary on my technique and my personal progress. Yup, I keep getting better.... ]]></body>
	<date>11-16-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2796">
	<title><![CDATA[suwariwaza]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Remember the original post to this current test blog? That was the last time we practiced suwariwaza. So last night Nancy asked for some coaching and we spent half an hour with a sempai.Now my left wrist is all messed up because while she had to practice getting out of her upper body my arms were getting jerked all over the place- and I'm sure I was doing the same to her, but we don't complain...I know where to get pressure tape... 
And then I think of my kohai who is testing for 4th kyu. With a metal plate in one arm, and recentlymangled knee and a very newly smashed hand & fingers on his "good' arm,( professional stunt man, naturally) not only testing but getting up and taking ukemi for the 5th kyu candidates. 
Watching one of said soon-to-be-5th kyus in jiyuwaza last night, and being able to see in him how I hesitate on every technique. Last night I fuzzzed my focus a bit and was much better able to enter & turn without getting stuck, and after the randori with the two yudansha present the teacher for the night declared to all " and she Can't fake this like the rest of us" and I came off the mat simling. 
Got to do some practice on my variations,am slightly less panicked this morning. 
Now just to stay centered from now through Saturday.... 
]]></body>
	<date>11-15-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2794">
	<title><![CDATA[omote/ura]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Could NOT wrap my brain around katatedori kaitenage for anything tonite and driving home I realised that I had only ever practiced the ura (tenkan) version and never even realised there was an omote(irimi) version that is a little like nikkyo omote and I was getting all kinds of tied in knots cuz I couldn't figure out why I didn't know what I was doing. Now I have to remember Not to do that one on the test, until I get to Variations, during which I will probably default to iriminage & kotegaeshe along with kaitenage ura as I already have them from three attacks and default them during jiyuwaza anyway... 
Did a nice little jiyuwaza tonite with Carlos & Bill, nice & slow and I totally managed to not get into "deer in the headlights" mode which is how I usually do jiyuwaza.I'm still nt going into the attack but I'm not staring in their eyes, I'm moving my feet & not running away as much. 
But yeah. much panic. 

hey can you do ikkyo from morotedori? cool.]]></body>
	<date>11-13-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2792">
	<title><![CDATA[YONKYO!]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Sensei likes mine! Specially the ura. 
I have a modeling gig tomorrow with a brand new drawing group. Watch me explain the bruises. 
He also liked my shihonage, and in jiyuwaza I managed to keep my feet moving but Sensei had to keep reminding me to ENTER and I can't, pardon the pun, get behind entering without that reminder in my ear.]]></body>
	<date>11-09-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2791">
	<title><![CDATA[strokes]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Linda joined the dojo about five months after I did. For a while I resented her because she got to be the New Kid and get all the attention. I got over that. I have welcomed every new student since. 
She doesn't train as consistently as most of us so is still a fifth kyu but doesn't give a damn about rank, and then had a terrible accident a year ago so lost lots of mat time, but recovered & returned in half the time her surgeon thought it would take. 
Anyway, we were on the phone just now about some modeling work (how many dojos have Three professional nude models in their membership?) and I was moaning about my test and she told me she thinks I look great, ESPECIALLY my jiyuwaza. Now this girl is an extremely visual learner so she knows exactly what to look for. Of course, she see my best work After Sensei has stopped me & given me the same corrections he Always gives me, which leads me to believe that He wants to see that Without correction. but still, it was a very lovely compliment and made me feel better about missing class last night.]]></body>
	<date>11-08-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2786">
	<title><![CDATA[nikyo!]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Anyone who has been with me through ALL my tests know my nemesis is nikyo ura. Today I had to demo it with our "judo guy" who is big and bulky and really clamps down, or so I am told. All I know was while I was doing the technique Sensei starts yelling compliments on how uke was really coming at me and how well I was carrying him and I even managed to Complete the technique and do it Better on the other side.
There is hope for me yet...
Now, about that jiyuwaza...]]></body>
	<date>11-04-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2785">
	<title><![CDATA[2 week panic]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[. At least I wasn;t the only one who sucked last night,and I think i am entering better on jiyuwaza but I also got the same damn correstion I ALWAYS get-too much head & shouolders while simultaneously trying to back away from uke. I Can't Feel It.. I know this is the body's default position when I feel threatened, the system just wants to plow through any opposition so my head goes forward while my center goes back and I get stuck in the middle. 
Bill, my other teacher, told me I was "doing fine" but i'm all freaked cuz I'm going symptomatic with my mdical stuff on the mat now and this has never happened before.medical stuff being essentially non-life-threatening and largely psychosomatic and stress-elated and very,very annoying and disr=tracting on the mat. 
Right now I am ready to not only bail from the test but my theatrical and social plans for the next two months. 
I will not die 
I will not quit 
I will cry a lot]]></body>
	<date>11-03-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2780">
	<title><![CDATA[suddenly senior]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Watching my most immediate sempai working through her variations for her 1st kyu test tonite, I suddenly realised that soon there won't be anyone senior to me training for a test the same time as me.Nancy will be our only first kyu just as I will be our only second kyu. Since we all train for the highest level test, we are all training for the 1st kyu test, but I still have someone "ahead" of me to emulate.Someone else who is under the greatest pressure owing to a harder,longer test.
Soon enough , she will test for shodan and I will test for 1st kyu and then there won't be anyone ahead of me in the test cycle; except for one sandan test that ought to be coming up in the next year or so.
I don't like the idea of being senior test candidate.At least its two tests away, maybe I should just slow down and let a couple of the soon-to-be fourth kyus catch up...its lonely at the top.
Not to mention we are running out of Dan test quality ukes....]]></body>
	<date>10-24-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2776">
	<title><![CDATA[hamnihandachi shihonage]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I bet you hate it. I thought I'd hate it but it seems that I have some kind of talent for it.Maybe just because shihonage is my favorite technique. Maybe because we worked on shihonage for three classes in a row.
But there's nothing like ending two classes in a row with one person after another telling me how good I looked, or felt, on the mat.
Worked variations of shomenuchi also,today. My entire test seems to be repititions of kotegaeshe,kaitenage & iriminage. From shomen,tsuki,katatedori.Not a terribly daunting set of techniques.
I need to work on my yonkyo and LOTS more jiyuwaza. I wouldn't complain if we worked on that All the time instead of just during test prep. And then really, only the test candidates really get to play.
And as soon as this test is over I want to start working on my attacks...]]></body>
	<date>10-21-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2763">
	<title><![CDATA[variations]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[So according to Sempai, all of us sucked on Thursday so I shouldn't worry. I'm not worried! I"m just going to train my best and if I fail I can take the test again, and I will have learned something anyway.
So today we did variations.From tsuki and from yokomen, and got "good" both times i went up. My test has three variations, he had me do five and it just flowed.
The problem with being one of the senior kyu grades is my test will be second to last and I will be cold from sitting still for so long!Glad the test will be on a saturday morning insteada Thursday night! We get sun in the windows in the mroning,nothing like a face plant on a hot mat!]]></body>
	<date>10-07-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2759">
	<title><![CDATA[coolness]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[What is so cool about this test is that I am fully prepared to fail it.I'm only doing it cuz Sensei invited me to.I know that what I *do* manage to assimilate on an energetiv level at least will stay with me and next year I will pass. 
I still outrank all my kohai by two belts anyway so I know none of them witll pass me up in a year! 



That IS what all this is about,ain't it? 


Really,since my training isn't about technique anyway.its fine with me. I can always use to culltivate more humility! And tonite's jiyuwaza didn't get nearly as shredded as last week's, though I am getting lots of feedback on my wimpy ukemi. I am going to beg to do some heavy concentration on attacking after the test is done. ]]></body>
	<date>10-05-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2739">
	<title><![CDATA[2nd kyu test prep]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Training for second kyu. I am seriously thinking about asking Sensei to give me another year.Shomenuchi Ikkyo Omote. Every test it gets Harder.Every test theres more stuff to think about and then forget about thinking about. I get up to demo, Do it again. Do it again. Do it Again. 
At least he hasn't yet told me I'm being too brutal, considering how angry I am these days its surprising. Funny, I took up a martial art because I had a lot of anger and learned that you really cannot apply anger energy to aikido. Kinda defeats the Purpose! 
Suwariwaza. OY VEY. First, lets call me up to demo uke. Then lets practice for a while, and then lets call me up to demo nage while everybody else rests their knees. And then lets do the ura...my toes hurt and its only just begun

sez Janet:but (to quote myself) you suck at a higher level now!

me: 
And to give myself *some* credit, the dojo was still full of paint fumes and I know that they were affecting me. And my ukes were pretty much all white belts,I did one of the suwariwazas with an 11-year-old who anticipated the defense and positions herself "correctly",and the guys are basically bricks... 
I'm just not certain that I can give Sensei what he is Looking For on this one.

Janet:hmm. I say, trust the process, don't think about 'what he is Looking For", just train/prep cos the way aikido plateaus/spurts, there is plenty of time for growth/breakthrough between now and test time.

from Ghostcat, who just made Sandan in Oz:
Do it again. 
Do it again. 
Again. 
Again. 
Ten laps of the dojo with Monica on your back. 
Now do it again. 
That's a bit better. 
For two hours. 
With ukes that you're afraid of breaking. 
You know what Sensei wants to see. 
You know how you want it to feel. 
Why do you keep fucking up? 
Why do you feel so sucky. 
So disappointed. 
Do it again. 
Again. 
Again. 
Do it until you can hardly move. 
Breathe. 
TRY to breathe. 
Alright just wheeze. 
Do ikkyo from lockdown by a sandan. 
No, do it. 
Come on! 
Try again. 
And again. 
And again. 
Two hours... 
Sensei's gonna rails at the black belts. 
He's pissed they didn't show. 
He's gonna get them together tomorrow night. 
And you're gonna do the WHOLE GRADING AGAIN!!! 
Think about quitting. 
You NEVER quit. 
Get whiney. Get mad. 
Just get there and do it again. 
Break your finger. 
Break through. 
Believe in yourself. 
You know that Sensei does, 
they all do. 
Think about what you need to work on. 
Get back on the mats. 
Keep training. 
You know you love it.

Janet:
Is training really doing the same thing over and over? 
To me, the beauty is that it ISN"T. 
Oh, the form or kata or ideal might be, but what I notice or work on or how uke attacks or .... pick a variable...is different each time AND with each one I've changed. 
So it's not the same thing. 
Either that or I'm deluding myself and AM insane :-) 

me:it is and it isn't. 
I could do tai no henko for an hour and every one would be an adventure in discovery 


until Sensei is watching. At which point my observing mind goes right out the window! 

Ghostcat:I wholeheartedly agree that aikido isn't doing the same thing over and over... but a large part of my grading was doing the same techniques over and over. Largely because I was doing them incorrectly and Sensei had me "do it again" until he was happy with my execution of the technique

me:I wholeheartedly agree that aikido isn't doing the same thing over and over... but a large part of my grading was doing the same techniques over and over. Largely because I was doing them incorrectly and Sensei had me "do it again" until he was happy with my execution of the technique

me:
which was my point to begin with. 
this is not about "training" this is about Test training. 
Different puppies. ]]></body>
	<date>09-17-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2560">
	<title><![CDATA[wimping out]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Sometimes I just know when to not go to the dojo. Saturday I felt kinda crappy and woozy but I knew the Best Place to Be was at the dojo, even though I didnt' make it all the way through class. But tonite there is this undefined feeling of not quite rightness that I just don't want to bring down there and share with my classmates & the kids. 
I've really learned to like training with the kids, they're really very inspiring and watching them progress so quickly makes me feel good about both them and myself, and since I am a roll model (spelling intentional) I don't want them to see me when I'm grumpy and I don't know Why(why I'm grumpy. I know why I don't want the kids to see me this way!). 
Maybe I'm copping out on my training, maybe I'm protecting the kids, maybe I'm protecting myself. 
Maybe I just had WAY too much chocolate & sugar last night and I'm paying for it today. Its not as if I had something Better to be doing- I could be Working but I feel like I shouldn't even be doing that, so now i'm going to conciously go Do Nothing. 
If I make it to SF tomorrow nitgjt and theres training before the tests maybe I'll get on the mat. Maybe I won't. ]]></body>
	<date>03-27-2006</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="2266">
	<title><![CDATA[Testblog, 3rd kyu]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[From the budobabes tribe at www.tribe.net:

Charlie's class is Test Prep. He usually forgets this a couple of months after the latest test cycle and goes back to his big, swoopy, Frank Doran-style techniques with ten different changes of direction which leave you asking, couldn't I have just done something easy like Yonkyo? 

NOw, however we are cramming for Rich's Shodan and I get the benefit of piggybacking along. We all always train for the highest level being tested, its the only time I get to do koshinage or knife take-aways. Most of the techniques we worked on tonight were on my test-Ikkyo-Yonkyo, both variations. I really only need to Get the Ura's on Nikkyo & Yonkyo and polish up my Sankyo. I have do do it from shomenuchi both standing and kneeling and it hurts my broken toe. 

I got to work with Charlie quite a bit and he wouldnt let me take ukemi, just wazawazawaza most of the class. How am I ever going to be able to do magnificent ukemi if nobody gives me practice? 

My jiyuwaza/randori is better than I expected. Of course my ukes were taking it real easy on me but I ran away much less than on my last test. And I actually didn't practice jiyuwaza for my last one so its no wonder I sucked! At least I remembered a couple of techniques! 

So I feel pretty good about this test. Naturally my life has taken this sudden turn and I'm Busy as all hell, just when I expected to be twiddling my thumbs for the next 2 months! 

Anyhow, if any of you non-aikido poeple want to know what I 'm talking about, just ask. Maybe I will be able to try to answer before somebody who Knows it Right! I have trouble verbalising aikido in my own dojo but it will be part of my practice to try to explain the techniques, or even just adequately translate them from Japanese]]></body>
	<date>11-08-2005</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="1999">
	<title><![CDATA[growing up & moving on...]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I've been senior student in the Basics class at the dojo for quite some time now. And I have really loved it;I adore Bill, our instructor, and being his uke has been both ejoyable and humiliating,sometimes simultaneously. 
But its starting to feel like its time to move along to the Tuesday night class and concentrate on technique. And I just don't have it in me to do the two in a row. And there are suddenly several things happening on Monday nights that I really want to do. 
I have an opportunity to practice with one of the best Grateful Dead cover bands in the Bay Area, and would give me a chance to dance to live music that I love once a week. There are monthy bondage workshops in the city and a new friend who likes to play with rope( though thats the entire extent of the relationship-bondage with no strings!). There's Irish dancing in Berkeley. Like I can even think about dancing right now cuz 
I was getting thrown last night and my toe got stuck in something and I'm all taped up now and hobbling about with a stick and ain't dancing or training for a week. Good thing I danced for Hours Sunday & Monday! And I'll watch class tomorrow night... 
But I digress- 
The Monday night class is very small and Bill drives a fair way to get here to teach, so needs a minimum number of students, and I'm afraid if I'm not there to keep numbers over two he'll give up teaching the class entirely and that wouldn't be good, we Need a basics class! 
Got a couple of weeks till I need to start making Choices. Don't wanna. 
]]></body>
	<date>08-04-2005</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="1941">
	<title><![CDATA[crossing over]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[i posted this about a year ago on Aikido-l. it gets more revelant every day! 

When i began training i hadn't danced a step in a couple of years. So i was 
drawing parallels from memory-"_this_ ukemi feels sorta like _this_lead in 
tango". The way that uke, or follower,has no idea what is coming next, 
having to be open, to maintain the connection...well, thats what i love 
about Both arts. 
When I started dancing agin, early this year, i immediately began using 
aikido references & exercises in my teaching-maai,entering,the simple act of 
putting your arm on your partners shoulder became a form of iriminage. When 
i had the oppurtunity to actually teach tango to an aikidoist, he could find 
the openings where technique _could_ have happened....but had a problem with 
what i am perceiving as "double center"- you walk from your one point but 
you lead your partner with your chest instead of your hips. The leverage 
works the same way tho. 
So its been sliding back & forth for me. 
In freestyle it has added to my repertoire-now i hear the music saying 
"roll" as well as 
"spin" or "kick" or "shimmy"- an expansion of my vocabulary.In performance- 
well, i haven't had the opportunity to do a really spectacular fall onstage 
in a few years... 

So it really all blends for me. I would teach tenkan in hoopskirts.I would 
add ukemi to tango. Follow a deep arabesque with a roll or a breakfall. 
Extension in waltzing. 
The language of movement,the moment of connection becomes all one. 
Connecting with the earth,the sky,gravity, your partner, your uke,the 
mat.Its really all the same thing. 

]]></body>
	<date>07-06-2005</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="1895">
	<title><![CDATA[enthusiasm]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[this is not specifically aikido related, its more in reference to the Energy Awareness work of Robert Nadeau,Shihan, my sensei's sensei. Sorta...

Enthusiasm:

Can't seem to find any. Feeling like a two-dimensional being in a 3D world, just can't find any Dimensionality. no depth. Talked about it this morning in energy class and what I got was that I've been spinning my wheels to stay in one place and maybe I should just Stop Trying, stop Looking-for activity,for understanding,clarity,money,sex,results. And of coure I KNOW this from about the eyebrows,up, but how many times in our lives do we get told the same thing over & over until one day we actually Hear it. 
And suddenly I come home from the dojo and don't feel the need to run away from my trailer for the rest of the day, which is generally the plan for weekends, just Be in your Home for the afternoon, and suddenly the Goddess of Cleaning comes to visit and I cancel an afternoon with a new photographer who wants to trade me pix for exchange in me assisting her photograph her boyfriend in drag and could be a fun gig and potentially lucrative because I want to stay home and clean my house. 

Hmmmmmmm. 
Funny, I've been home for 3 1/2 hours and haven't gotten bored! 

I learned the etymology of the word"enthusiasm" today:Full of God. En Theos. having a god within, Inspired. 

I was inspired to clean by the goddess within. How incredibly hokey ! 

I was gonna write about how not enthusiastic I am feeling about Faire opening in three weeks (www.forestfaire.com) but I think what I actually wrote is ever so much more positive! 
]]></body>
	<date>06-18-2005</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="1894">
	<title><![CDATA[magic moment]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[So I've been spending the last online year mostly hanging out at Tribe.net and so all my journaling has been posted over there, its multi-dimensional and you should ALL go join right now, but until you do, I figgeed I oughta post some of my aiki-related stuff here as well. Here's one from a thread on magical experiences in & out of the dojo,from my tribe, budobabes:

I am 5'3". Sensei is 6'3". Today he was demonstrating iriminage with me and intread of running into his arm and getting thrown, I -completely accidentally and with no intent-ended up just strolling under his arm. 
next thing I know I'm flat on my face and my fingertips are about to pop-Yonkyo! 
The bruise has changed color twice today already! 

and yes, it was Magical. ]]></body>
	<date>06-18-2005</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="104">
	<title><![CDATA[today]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[so its come to this. private public ranting and i'm sure yhat still somehow somebody will find fault with what i'm saying and post something along the lines 'oh suck it up and quit whining' but somebody's always gonna do that anyway so what the fuck.
the thing that scares me most about aikido is pretty much also the reason i started training-it forces one to be a contributing member of an integretive community. i must learn to function as a member of the group or at least as a member of a series of consecutive pairs of close intimate psycho-physical-spiritual encounters in close cooperation. one of those things i truly suck at. does not play well in groups. oh it always starts out well, the new girl, who may have a skill or a talent that makes a major contribution so i feel like here is a place where i am wanted, appreciated, valued, maybe even liked. and i like that. and i get used to being a member. i get used to being included until i am so comfortably ensconced within a group that i get comfortable & let my guard down and all of a sudden i'm not letting some of my less positive qualities get out of hand and everybody decides maybe i wasn't so nice or talented or spiritual or valuable or loveable as i appeared and i get invited to leave yet another group or community or relationship.and after the last one i've spent a good (good? right)part of the past four years avoiding participating in Life of any kind.
fear/fear of being alone fear of being forgotten fear of being invisible.so hide.be alone. be invisible.be nothing and nobody. be not living.can;t be rejected when you don;t try to fit in try to participate to belong just sit in your trailer and work and feel sorry for yourself but at least you can't alienate anybody if you don't go near anyone
and then one day you wake up and you want to learn to be a human being in the world again and you put a whole lot of time and energy and money into clearing out a whole lot of psycho-baggage and things start getting better and you can start being around people just a little bit more and you stop getting into arguments just to force somebody to Pay Attention to you so you know you still exist and all of a sudden Somebody Notices you and suddenly you're in love with the first person who has ever truly understood you and suggests aikido so you go check out the local dojo and get hooked. the people are so welcoming and Real and giving and happy and the art is beautiful and the sensei is awesome and you think, here i cannot hide. i cannot fake it.i have no choice but to be absolutely who i am, frightened and vulnerable and terrified of relationship cause i know i'll eventually make some behavioral blunder and once again be ostracised but right now they like me and thats a good thing cause i'm about to get dumped by the man i love specifically because he loves me and at least i have the dojo.and the dojo is planning a big demo/seminar/celebration and hey i have production experience and promotion experience and performance experience that i can share and all during the planning every time i opened my mouth to make a suggestion someone else would run right over it.and while at first everybody thought i shpuld be in the demjo cause we want to show the guests that there are techniques they can do right away and that a beginner gets to do all the same stuff a black belt does-tho not as well or easily- by the end of "rehearsal" tonight i was given nothing to do but show a back roll as a beginner and everybody was trying to convince our 4th kyu to be in the demo cause "only black belts are doing anything  and people need to see what our non-black belt(singular???) can do as well.
well i did not open my mouth and express my discomfort cause i'm still the new kid and still on my best behavior but if i am feeling this hurt now and can't express it how soon will this turn into resentment there by giving me the perfect set-up for getting myself invited out of the dojo in record time. 
is it better to be invisible if it doesn't make people hate you? ]]></body>
	<date>05-06-2003</date>
</blogEntry>


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