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<blogEntry id="380">
	<title><![CDATA[Dealing with the hits]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[A new member on the board just reminded me of something important.  He posted about how his weaknesses becomes amplified through his training.  This struck me a true statement that doesn't get discussed enough.  I do think it's true that we see our own weaknesses stronger than ever when we train hard.  That's what caused me to take such a long break from posting on this journal (see previous entry) in the first place.  Now I am far more open to advice than I was previously, and my training is more fruitful now as well.  It's so hard to make the transition from being a pretentious westerner, to something... else.  It's a work in progress, but the effect in already in stark contrast to "how I was before."  I wonder what changes in other people who have trained for a long time.  I think for me, there are several things.  The first one, which I will always struggle with, is humbleness.  I grew up with two older brothers who were both geniuses (based on I.Q.) and I always assumed that I was too.  I'm not.  I need to understand that the reason I may have seemed smarter than some of my peers growing up was that I listened to my brothers.  That lesson was completely lost on me untill I started training and found our that you have to listen to people who know about these matters.  Another thing that I think has changed in me is a desire to do hard work or improve myself constantly.  How many of us were/are lazy people?  I know I was/am.  But now, there is a strong motivation to not only improve myself emotionally and psychologically on the things that I know are a problem, but to seek out more and more weaknesses that I didn't know were there.  That's when I decided, for the first time in my life, to try to be a little more optimistic.  I also decided to try to never complain, which is really hard :)  No really, I'm so glad I made that choice on both accounts, and I thank my Aikido training for reminding me why I should.  There are lots of other things that I am learning, but the point is that I am working on it.  It's not, as I suspected, all about the physical technique, that just illustrates the points.  It's been said that you can get out of training what you want, and it can be a transformative art if you want it to be.  It should be added that it'll let you know what you should be working on, and you have to be open to taking those hits.  Just like in a technique, if you tense up your mind/muscles, and try to push your ideas/technique on the  wake up call/uke, it becomes very difficult to feel what the training/attack is telling you to do.  Anyway, these hits are coming for you all the time, and if you're not ready for it, you might not be able to take it. ]]></body>
	<date>11-18-2003</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="159">
	<title><![CDATA[Shifting]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Well, it's been a while since I've posted much of anything on these boards.  Not that I haven't been lurking, I've experienced a shift in my Aikido and my life.  I have come to the realization that I know nothing.  I don't mean this in a self-deragatory way, I simply accept that most everyone on these boards and on the mats knows more than I.  It's difficult for me to justify giving advice to others, so my new focus has been to listen.  I'm trying to be more receptive in my technique as well, but I'm not pushing that too much right now.  It also occured to me that I am trying too damn hard to get to some next level that I think I should be at, and this is blinding me.  So, my current goals in life and in training (really the same thing) are to stop complaining about things, stop advizing in situations where I honestly shouldn't, and to try to listen and receive the gifts that I am given.  That's the short answer for my lack of posting.  Really, after having gone through a very intense period of questioning, I'm feeling very much like I need to stop pushing for answers and let them come to me.  I have the nagging impression that I've missed something that I was supposed to get by talking so much that I couldn't hear what was being said to me.  So, this is my first ego-killing exercise.  I've thought about this before, but I'm really becoming convinced that killing my ego should be a priority...  I may start posting actively again soon, or I may not.  I really don't know at this point, but that is what's going on in my head.

later, ]]></body>
	<date>06-28-2003</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="139">
	<title><![CDATA[Seminar afterthoughts]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[This past weekend I attended the Spring Seminar at the University of Iowa Aikikai, in Iowa City with Yoshimitsu Yamada Sensei.  Well, my first seminar is done and overwith, and I've been chewing on some of the things I've learned for the past couple days.  Since I'm still going through a lot of the concepts, let me keep this general for now.  First things first, man that was a lot of fun!  I've never even seen anyone in person higher than a sandan before, let alone having all those blackbelts in one room.  Nearly every person I worked with in those 8 hours of trainind was a blackbelt.  In normal training, we tend to stick to the basics a lot, so each time I work on a technique I can expect to make a little progress.  When I was working with people so experienced and helpful, the progress was fast and furious.  The difference between when I started each technique and when I finished was pretty drastic.  I can't express enough gratitude to all the people I worked with over the whole weekend, and unfortunately I'm horrible with names so I don't think that I could even if I tried.  I was very impressed with Yamada Sensei, and all the other people as well.  It was certainly inspirational to see such great examples of technique, some very powerful and effective, some very smooth, flowing and effective.  It was also the first time I had really seen a very different style of Aikido than we do.  The Iowa City folks come down once in a while to teach a class, but by and large it's pretty similar.  Some of the things I was seeing were very different, and very cool in their own ways.  I think that a lot of the things I saw were beyond my ability to fully integrate, as I'm still so new, but hopefully those lessons will come back to me as I grow into this art.  I've been trying to focus on keeping a few of the more unique techniques with me, and the other basics that I was already familiar with have been expanded and deepened.  It was also nice to just see so many people who have dedicated their time and bodies to this art, and it was fun to see the range of personalities exhibited, as well.  I also got to meet Rachel Massey, who I obviously knew from her posts here (although I dind't get to train with her...)  Anyway, many of my misconceptions and fears were dispelled, as I was able to attend every class without dislocating anything, hyperventilating, getting heat stroke, or suffering through any of the horror stories that you hear about.  I will try to attend any seminar that my work and school schedule allows, now that I know a little bit what to expect.  

Later, ]]></body>
	<date>06-03-2003</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="126">
	<title><![CDATA[Breakfalls, and other thoughts]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Hmm... tonight, if you didn't guess by the subject head, we did breakfalls.  We almost never do breakfalls, as most of us are newer, and there is rarely enough speed to make them neccessary.  Well, consequently I suck at them.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong, other than "landing in pieces," rather than all at once.  I mean, I know what I'm doing, but not what to do about it.  We have thick crash mats, so nothing we do ever really hurts me.  Some other students seem to think they're not so soft, but I've never had a problem with them.  Anyway, even though I'm breakfalling wrong, I don't get hurt doing it, which is good because I could pretty much do it the whole practice if I wanted to.  It seems as though I'm landing on the "wing" area of my back, and then my feet come down and my hand drops later.  Like I said, it doesn't hurt, I just know I'm doing it wrong.  Oh well.  

Tonight, we talked a little about some of the more esoteric aspects of Ki, which is something else we almost never do.  Our instructor was talking a bit about trying to feel other people's intentions, making a connection even before the moment of contact.  It was pretty interesting, but now I want to know if there's a way to try and work on that connection outside of the Dojo.  I try to empathise with people I talk to, to think about what they're thinking about or imagine what they're feeling.  This is a far cry from that sort of connection that you try to feel in the Dojo, however.  

We have a couple of teenage girls in the Dojo, I think they're both 15 or 16, and I'm always impressed when they really nail a technique.  They are both very thin, and I doubt they could generate much force at all, but that's what makes them so cool when they really get something.  I was working with one of them tonight on a katate tori ikkyo, and her timing was so perfect I started to think that there might be something to those one-touch throws.  Not really, but it was very cool.  What she kept doing, not entirely on purpose actually, was begining her front-foot tenshin just before I grabbed her wrist, and then keep it just barely out of my reach.  I would follow that wrist every time, and then once I was extended she would simply grab my hand and continue the technique.  I never grabbed her hand at all, but I might as well have, the effect was the same.  I think that this may be because I try to keep the intention real, and I always think of the katate tori as a setup for a punch with the other hand.  Anyway, I try to keep it intense and this made it possible for her to exploit that commitment to keep herself safer.  Great stuff, that left me thinking a bit after the technique.  

I'm getting excited now, the Y. Yamada Sensei seminar is coming up the weekend after next, and I can't wait.

Later. ]]></body>
	<date>05-20-2003</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="119">
	<title><![CDATA[How far is too far?]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Hello again.  In class tonight we were having a bit of fun with some tanto techniques, and a situation came up that was both fun and informative, but perhaps ill conceived.  We have a student who is relatively new and a genuinely nice guy who is also a Marine.  He's been out for five years, but he still has "it" in him as I'm sure he always will.  When we were doing one of the techniques he reverted to his previous knowledge of knifework and he kept changing up the attack.  It was supposed to be something like an upward scoop from the hip into the lower abdomen, like maybe something that a person who didn't really know how to use a knife might do, but he wanted to do all sorts of other things.  Ok, I think we all know that he knows how to use a knife, but it wasn't the time or place to show us his skills.  Not to mention that when our instructor came over to try out some of the other attacks, he decided to give the instructor a hard time and really fight everything that the instructor wanted to try.  Now, I'm not saying that it's never appropriate to try things out, or to test someone's technique with some resistance, but this was a lot of resistance.  He even manages to scratch the instructor's hand once, drawing blood.  Here's the thing, our instructor didn't mind at all, in fact he was having fun with it and was trying to learn how to switch up his technique based on what the uke was doing.  It wasn't a bad exercise, and it was sure fun to watch, but it ended up looking a bit more like wrestling at times.  Another student and I stayed after class to talk with the uke, and he basically said that the reason he did all that was that: A) he didn't really know that it wasn't appropriate and B) He wasn't sure what the attack and technique were supposed to be, so he reverted to something else that he knew.  He said he understood why that technique does what it does now, but only after he tested it.  I tried to say that when I was new, I had to trust that the Founder and my Sempai and Teacher knew a lot more than I did, and there are reasons that these things are the ways that they are.  Even if we don't understand why untill later.  I would wonder why it was that something was a certain way, thinking that it felt unnatural or weird or at least not effective, but sometime later I would understand it.  If we all tested every single technique all the time it would be hard to learn much.  On the other hand, maybe if you wonder about something you should wait untill class is over and then work on it with someone...  I don't know, it wasn't nearly as dramatic as I made it sound, but I can't help but think that if our instructor was a bit less relaxed that some bad things may have come out of it. ]]></body>
	<date>05-15-2003</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="118">
	<title><![CDATA[Matrix thoughts]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I think that I've mentioned this a few times, but I work at a movie theatre as an assistant manager.  One of the only things that I would call a perk about this job is that I get to watch free movies.  Actually, it's required that I watch movies if I put them together, which seems like less of a perk considering the quality of most Hollywood drivel.  At any rate, once in a while something comes out that I actually want to see.  The Matrix: Reloaded was one such movie, and I've watched it twice already.  I'm not bragging, though, I just wanted to talk about some of the fighting.  I was hoping that there might be some Aikido, as I'd heard about one of the supporting characters, named Ghost, was a Japanese martial arts expert.  He was only in the movie for about 2 minutes total, and he didn't do anything; now that I think of it all the stuff I heard about him was for the upcoming video game.  I was also excited about Morpheus using a Katana, as I'd seen a few pictures of him holding it.  Anyway, the fighting was, as always, very very good.  The only real problem is that it's all Kung Fu, and only like one kind of it to boot.  Nothing wrong with that, I love Kung Fu movies, but it doesn't look right with a Katana.  I was looking for some nice kenjutsu, but the swordwork was just more of the "swinging it around like a sharp object" variety.  I guess it wasn't totally bad, I was just expecting a bit more from that scene.  There was one part where Neo started to do a Kotegaeshi, but he only did the tenkan and holding down the wrist part.  There were a couple other spots where it started to look like Aiki, but it was perhaps more a matter of similar techniques in many martial arts.  Anyway, the smoothness of all the fighting was really something this time around.  In the first movie, once in a while the people would "focus" and everything would slow down, allowing the individual to do something extra cool.  In this, since Neo can do that better than anyone else, it's used almost constant when he's fighting.  It makes for some very impressive moves, and the smoothness and economy of motion are very impressive.  It's fun to watch, just don't expect to be as blown away as you may have been with the first one.  I'd love to hear from people with some knowledge of other arts, in particular the style of Kung Fu that Yuen Wo Ping uses.  It's very interesting to look at, but is it even a real style or just more movie stuff?

Oh, don't forget to sit through all those credits, there's a teaser trailer for the next Matrix, dut out this Holiday season, that is actually pretty cool. ]]></body>
	<date>05-15-2003</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="112">
	<title><![CDATA[randori]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[This was a first for me.  Tonight we did a small two person randori, with just about 20 or 30 seconds for each nage in rotation.  Sensei started off by mentioning some bits about what we were doing, that any technique was okay, and some strategy.  He then told us to keep it at about 3/4 speed, for us new guys, and he went up first.  I thought he did quite well, I'd never even seen this done before, but I've certainly heard about it.  I think he was following all the ideas and concepts that I've heard people mention, and I was pretty impressed overall.  We went with a basic rotation, uke twice then nage once then sit off the mat, etc.  We all went through twice, and overall I think everyone did well but me... as one of the two uke it was just plain fun, and was surprisingly hard to get close to nage.  I always thought that the uke were being nice by waiting while a throw was getting worked out, but now I realise that it's usually because a good nage keeps one uke between the other while they're doing the technique.  Amazing!  It was fun feeling like we were really testing some things out.  When my turn was up as nage, I simply didn't do well.  First off, I couldn't get the techniques that I know I know out of my body.  I could think, "ok I know what I'm supposed to do," but I couldn't get it working.  Then, to really get my goat I just plain froze up when one of my uke grabbed my Gi at the shoulder.  Arrgh.  I know a few techniques out of that, but I couldn't summon them up.  I had a good laugh once I sat down, and it was great fun.  My second time through I did a bit better, but my techniques were all just starts without the finishes.  Not too impressive.  Well, at least I kindof know how the system works, and I look forward to working on getting that intuition up in regular practice.  I have to just feel the technique work instead of forcing it out because I may not be able to hammer through it all the time.  After that, to let us all breath a bit after the workout we nitpicked the 31 count Jo kata some more.  I haven't had a chance to work on it in some time, and now I'll be able to practice it again.  I have a thing against practicing with the Jo kata unless we've done it recently, I don't want to forget something and reinforce a bad habit.  I usually wait untill we work on it in class and then go home and drill it.  Anyway, I think my first randori was more fun than nerve-wracking, and I look forward to some more of it.

later, ]]></body>
	<date>05-10-2003</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="97">
	<title><![CDATA[Just another night]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[So why am I bothering to post this?  I'm not sure, but just because nothing serious came up doesn't mean I didn't learn anything.  I got to work with the "silent partner" again, one of those who doesn't like to tell you what's going on, but shows you.  I love that, and he's the only one in our Dojo who is consistently like that.  We did some more fun techniques today, along with the old standbys.  I have no idea what they're called, but one was a bear-hug breakaway from behind.  I was shocked at how well it worked if the timing was right on.  We also worked on a shoulder grab technique that was slightly unusual.  I've worked on it before, but when I was VERY VERY green, not just VERY green.  Tonight was one of those nights that felt comfortable, fun, and left me feeling great.  Not to say that it was an easier time, actually as our techniques were simpler and there was only one of the newer people there it was more technique and less explanation.  I noticed that our instructor was doing less of the play-by-play technique slow-mo before we tried it, so we did more tonight than we have in some time.  One thing was a bit different, we don't have a "traditional" style Dojo, it's the second story of an old schoolhouse turned gymnasium that was then turned into the Karate, Judo, and Aikido Dojo that it is today.  Anyway, on Thursday there are alwasy children's gymnastics going on downstairs, upstairs, or both.  The funny bit was that tonight someone was playing rather loud polka or something during our warm-ups.  It was one of those -you know you shouldn't laugh but can't help it- moments, and we all just busted out laughing half-way through the breathing exercises.  I don't know how most Dojos are, and it appears from the board that there's a wide variety, but I'm glad ours is a bit more friendly than some of those that I've heard of.  I think we play hard, but we don't go crazy with a martial atmosphere at all.  Just a note, not a criticism.  Sometimes I wonder if there was a Yoshinkan Dojo, maybe I would go for a while to cultivate that seriousness.  

I'll shut up, now.  

Later,   ]]></body>
	<date>05-01-2003</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="91">
	<title><![CDATA[Weapons]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Okay, this is something that I thought of tonight, and I wanted to post on it to see if anyone else ever gets this feeling.  Let me start off by saying that I love the sword, and I always have.  I am lucky that the art that I think fits me is one of those that still uses it.  I guess this makes me a "pretend samurai," but I don't really care.  The thing that messes me up to think about is how much I've become attached to my weapons.  Tonight in class we did some jo waza that was like shihonage, and jo tori that was like kotegaeshi, and then a patrol kata.  For the jo work, I was using someone else's jo.  I never thought this would bug me, but it did a bit.  It bugs me that it bugged me, too.  I've never been anything but practical and rational, but what I was feeling was more emotional than what I'm used to.  Not to say that I cried, or even that I thought much of it at the time, but I felt something and that's more than normal.  Actually, at the time I really didn't think about it at all, but I noticed afterwards that I felt different with their weapon.  Anyway, I have many theories about why this was, but I'm not sure if any of them make real sense.  I think that the way I treat my weapons could be described more as a sort of reverence, or even that they are objects of worship (in a non-religious way... if that's possible.)  All that sanding, rubbing of oil and time spent using them has made them not only familiar, but has formed a sort of link with me.  Anyway, that being said, I think that the real problem is that I would normally laugh at someone who told me that they had a relationship with a stick.  I almost always end up defining myself by what I'm not, not what I think I am or would like to be, and sometimes that is challenged.  I think things like "I don't want to be like BLANK or BLANK," but then sometimes I find that I really am.  This is a good thing, and something that's fun to get all philosophical about.  I think I learned something about myself when I felt funny about using someone else's jo, and I think that's cool; if a bit disconcerting.  Even if it takes some getting used to that I'm "one of THOSE people,"  You know the ones; the ones who think that their stick is really somehow more than just a stick, the crazy ones.  That's kind of what it feels like, makes me wonder what crazy people think of other crazy people.  

On a completely different note, before class started my instructor called me over to him to test his unbendable arm in seiza.  It worked, no big surprise, but then he told me that he had read in a Dave Lowry book that it shouldn't work out of seiza.  Weird.  I'd never heard that before, and I love Mr. Lowry's books, so I wonder what happening there.

Later, ]]></body>
	<date>04-24-2003</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="82">
	<title><![CDATA[Dis...   Connected]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[This is the first of my actual after-practice posts.  Anyway, today was an interesting day to start with.  There were only 4 of us on the mat, which is usually the start of a great story about all the fun things we did.  My instructor likes to experiment, and I like to experiment with him; these days are wonderful for that.  Today our test was simple: in between working on a couple of techniques normally, he designated an attack (tsuki) and had us do whatever technique we wanted to out of it.  Not too big of a deal, maybe.  I was attacking first -in our Dojo the Kohai attacks first- and I was having massive difficulty following the technique.  I would attack, try and figure out the technique (and by extension the ukemi for it) and then something weird would happen.  I was completely unable to feel anything other than my own confusion.  There was no... connection... and I was really surprised.  We switched after 4 techniques, and I did my own 4 with no problem from Uke on taking the proper ukemi.  This got me thinking about the concept of connection, and why I couldn't seem to make it.  I know that it was my fault with the ukemi, because no-one else was having a problem with it.  You see, when we train it's generally in a manner that we both know what technique and what ukemi to use, which can give you a false sense of blending.  It's not true blending, though, in my case.  It's more a matter of two people going through the same motions, and matching appropriate speed.  This test reminded me that I have essentially no LINK established, as I didn't know wether to roll off to the side, get ready for a back roll or a pin or whatever.  I should be able to feel what is happening, I've been in class long enough to know what all the techniques that we worked on feel like.  At any rate, I feel like I need to work on that connection now.  The movements of the techniques can be practiced and honed, but I don't know how to train that connection.  I didn't even know that this was something I needed to work on, before.  Like I said above, I had a false sense of connection because of the way that I train -that is without the proper awareness.  I am going to stop and think long and hard about this, and surely do some serious meditating, but I feel like I need to go to class 6 days a week to work on it (not possible.)  This is really my first "brick-wall" that I need to overcome to progress, and the frustration is pretty new to me.  Hmm...  I think I'm going to go sit and breathe now.  Hope you all have a better practice than me (or maybe not better, but I hope you don't have a rude awakening.)

Later. ]]></body>
	<date>04-13-2003</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="79">
	<title><![CDATA[the beginning... sortof]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Here we go.  Caution, I am very longwinded if you've never seen one of my posts.  I am starting this journal in an attempt to track my progression in Aikido.  Let me start by letting everyone know who I am, as ultimately other people will read this.  I am a 24 year old theatre manager, who is going to college for... well, I don't really know yet.  I am also married, no kids, and my wife has a Masters degree in social work (she runs a pre-independant living program for juvenile girl delinquents.)  I started Aikido about 6 months ago, maybe a bit longer, and really feel quite new at it.  I am in a relatively small Dojo, about 10-15 people per practice on a week-night and about 5-10 on a saturday morning early class.  My instructor is great, even thought he's rated a first Dan, he is lightyears beyond anyone in class.  There are a decent mix of gradings in class, with the two highest members getting closer to black belt and everyone else in between somewhere.  We are associated with the ASU, and our style is pretty physical, but not devoid of the spiritual element.  Anyway, I'm just still in that honeymoon period in my Aikido, where everything feels so fresh and incredible and eye-opening.  I hope that doesn't end, but somehow I think it must.  I should also mention that I think Aikido has made me more spiritually aware, as I used to consider myself quite the atheist, but now I think it has more to do with how one defines "God."  At any rate, I'll post something interesting one of these days, I just wanted to get the intro off to a start.  

Later, ]]></body>
	<date>04-09-2003</date>
</blogEntry>


</blogEntries>