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<blogEntries>
<blogEntry id="3728">
	<title><![CDATA[Hard Day, Fun Weapons Class (day 14 of 16)]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Day 14 of 16. Today at work was harsh. Plowed through work all day long, and then an hour before I had to leave, I realized there was a huge chunk more that had to be done. If my day were randori, I'd let myself end up in the middle, and all the attackers were on me. I haven't been out walking for 2 days, and my legs felt like achy blocks of concrete. My left shoulder has been bugging me, so I was icing it at my desk.  I wouldn't have gone to class, except that I said I was going to. I didn't figure my brain could absorb a lot more today. I was tired and overwhelmed, and really feeling the need for rest. 

That all vanished after a minute or two on the mat. Everyone was in a wonderful mood. I had plenty of time to warm up. My front and back rolls were better tonight. I got most of the techniques at least halfway correct. I felt focused and centered, and had a very pleasant time in class. Yay!

Tonight was a weapons class with Sensei. We did tanto, which I think I've only worked with once or twice before. Even techniques that sometimes turn my mind into a pretzel seemed easier.

I was gonna go to class anyway, because I said I would, but now I'm really glad I did.

Off to dinner and a quiet evening, with more energy that I'm going to need for another intense day at the office tomorrow.]]></body>
	<date>11-19-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3727">
	<title><![CDATA[Better Day Today (13 of 16)]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[A much better day today (day 13 of 16). Not great, but better. And a lot of fun, in any case. There were two classes this evening, one with Sensei, and one with one of the yudansha. I managed to do some of the techniques reasonably well, but on the whole it was one of those days when I can't tell front from back, in from out, or left from right. I got a few techniques inside out, upside down, or just plain screwy. Back falls weren't happening so well, and I don't know why. Sigh...

On the positive side, I was happier with my front rolls tonight. A little rounder, a little quieter. We did a short jiyuwaza in the second class, which was fun, and I did much better than I have done recently. And kokyu dosa really seemed to come together at the end of the second class. :)  A nice way to end the evening.

Tomorrow night is a weapons class, with Sensei. I've only done one with him before - the first weapons class I ever did (I found myself in it by accident) - so I'm really looking forward to tomorrow's class.]]></body>
	<date>11-19-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3726">
	<title><![CDATA[How Not To Do It (Day 12 of 16)]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[One of the woes of having the privilege to train under a teacher with an unflinching commitment to his students growth as Aikidoists is that the feedback sometimes stings.

Last night, in spite of my intention to go to class tonight, I stayed up to the wee hours to watch a meteor shower. That was stupid. Tonight, not having had enough sleep, I went to class anyway. That was arrogant and selfish.

I actually felt pretty good, and thought I was doing well for most of the class. But particularly toward the end my rolls got sloppy, and I wasn’t really focused. And I failed to notice that.

Sensei, being a perceptive and experienced teacher, noticed. He stopped class early, with a few words about how injuries are more likely when people are too tired to roll correctly, and how he doesn’t like injuries happening at his dojo.

Thank you, Sensei. It won’t happen again. My apologies to you and to my training partners.

In the words of Mark Rashid, horse trainer and aikidoka, “now I know how [I]not [/I]to do it.”

Off to get a good night’s sleep…]]></body>
	<date>11-18-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3724">
	<title><![CDATA[Two Classes, Plus a Meteor Shower]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Tonight’s post is being pre-empted by a meteor shower. The quick version: Two awesome classes tonight, the first with Sensei, the second with Cyril. Both flew by. It’s great to have Sensei back. More later. Heading out to the back yard to stare at flying rocks.]]></body>
	<date>11-17-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3722">
	<title><![CDATA[Day 9 of 16: End of a Great Week]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Today, Saturday, wrapped up the first week of my 16 day Personal Aikido Intensive. I'm delighted and relieved to be able to say I've been having an awesome time, and am excited about having another full week ahead.

Next week I'll be in classes Monday through Saturday. M, W, & Sat. are two-class days. That's 9 classes, 5 of which will be with Sensei. This past week (M-Sat) he was away, and the yudansha ([URL="http://www.aikidosd.com/instructors.htm"]meet most of the teaching staff at Aikido of San Diego[/URL]) taught all the classes. I really could not have picked a better time to do this, because for the past week there has been a tremendous variety to the classes, and for the next I'll have 5 days in a row of classes with Sensei.

The whole 16-day thing kicked off with a killer Friday night class with Sensei. I think he was trying to tire us out so we wouldn't be too hard on the yudansha during the week. :p  It was an absolute blast. :D  Sensei taught again on Saturday morning, and we did several really interesting exercises, including a walking-pace randori practice that looked like "Night of the Living Aikidoka" as 6 uke wandered, zombie-like in the general direction of each nage. Then Terry, Bill, and Doug had their exams, and there was the dojo party and potluck with the Sumo suits. (If you haven't seen the video yet, you can find it on [URL="http://www.youtube.com/LindaEskin/"]my YouTube channel[/URL].)

The classes during the week were all as different as they could be, and offered many opportunities to try completely new things, hear familiar things explained in new ways, focus on different details, and so on. If I'm remembering correctly, I got to train with Megan, Jay, Cyril, Andy, and Karen. Classes were really well attended all week, too, and ran like clockwork, as usual.

This morning was a pretty fast-paced, interesting weapons class with Jay. We worked with the jo, doing still more techniques I hadn't yet seen. (I just tried to run through them all with my barn jo after feeding the critters this evening. Ah, the joys of long, dark nights and open outdoor space.) It sounds like there may be more opportunities to train with weapons, which would be great. 

Next was an open-hand class with Mike. Lots of complicated (for me... sigh...) techniques. Some I got, and some I was befuddled by. The really annoying ones were a couple that I nailed on the first attempt, and then couldn't get right again. I've been finding lately that I'm much less frustrated with myself when that happens. I just keep trying, and don't go into panicky brain cramps. The class was a lot of fun, and thankfully I ended on a good note by getting the last technique right.

After class we cleaned the dojo and headed off to our respective weekends. Next up: Two 1-hour classes on Monday, with Sensei, and Cyril. But first, chores, resting, playing with the critters, and dinner with a friend.]]></body>
	<date>11-15-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3721">
	<title><![CDATA[It's a Lot Like Line Dancing (day 8 of 16)]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I'm going to keep the brief, because come hell or high water I am going to get 8 hours' sleep tonight.

Have you read the two diaries that make their way around the Internet every so often? One is by a cat, and one is by a dog. The cat reports the horrors of his captivity, while the dog is excited about everything that happens, all day long:

[INDENT]8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! [/INDENT]
(From [URL="http://www.wanderings.net/notebook/Main/DogDiaryVsCatDiary"]http://www.wanderings.net/notebook/Main/DogDiaryVsCatDiary[/URL])

My experience of Aikido all this week has been reminding me of the dog's diary: "Woohoo! My favorite teacher.  Yay! My favorite kind of class. Awesome! My favorite people to train with. Oh, good! My favorite techniques."

---

The teacher tonight asked me (since I've been to a lot of classes this week) what techniques we had been working on in the classes. Or at least what kind of work we had been doing. I could only come up with a very short list. I really should start being more conscious of that, I suppose. So I'll try to post a very brief summary of at least a few memorable points from each class, mostly to use for my own review.

Tonight we did a lot of bokken work:
[LIST]
[*]Cutting, one direction, and then with irimi
[*]8-directions cut (happo giri)
[*]Front rolls, and back slap-falls (?) with bokken
[/LIST]
We also did a bit of open-hand jiyuwaza.

A fairly large class, with a broad range of levels, learning happo giri looks a heck of lot like a big group of folks trying to learn a line dance. It went very smoothly, and none of us whacked each other. I couldn't help but think of [URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_nGCZ-vH0o&annotation_id=annotation_483278&feature=iv"]The Electric Slide (video on YouTube)[/URL], though, as we all stepped and turned at the right angles, all together. A music video would be hilarious.

---

The most recent exams at the dojo were last week. Exams come around every few months, with the next date being February 6th, 2010. I don't know if I'll be testing then (for 5th kyu), and I don't care. But I am setting it as a personal goal for myself to [I]be on track to test then[/I]. That means paying even more careful attention to the techniques that are on the test, training thoughtfully, etc.

We each work with a senior student when preparing for an exam. It's our responsibility to find a mentor, so I've been doing some watching and thinking about who I might want to work with some day. At least if my name does appear on the Dreaded Dojo Whiteboard, I'll have an idea of who to ask. 

To be clear, my goal is [I]not [/I]to test on February 6th. I am not even [I]hoping [/I]to test then. That's up to Sensei, of course, and I'm not in any hurry to "get there" anyway. The goal is to[I] train as if [/I]I will be testing, regardless.

OK... Off to bed. Two classes first thing in the morning. Right after my 8 hours of sleep.]]></body>
	<date>11-14-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3720">
	<title><![CDATA[Weapons Class (Day 7 of 16)]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Tonight's class was weapons. We usually focus on one weapon per class, and tonight it was jo (my favorite!). We did the first 12 jo suburi, and a combination of several at the end. I think I've only done 1 through 5 or 6 before tonight. I definitely had not seen the bigger swirling-the-jo-around techniques - those were fun!

I really like weapons classes, for the opportunity to work independently and slowly. It's possible to focus on the mechanics, alignment, center/base, staying relaxed, breath, posture, and so on, without the rush of doing partner practice. I wouldn't want to train like that exclusively, but it's nice to be able to break things down and work on what you need to work on. 

I also like that once I get something basically down, I can practice it at home on my own. (I keep a spare jo in the barn for that.)

Tonight I was really happy about most of what I did (not really lost at any point). I felt much more solid and settled than usual during the techniques. Between techniques, however, I caught myself being a bit busy and unfocused in the way I was moving. I've seen what that looks like in videos (it looks ridiculous and goofy :freaky: ), and have been trying to be more conscious of it. So tonight I tried my "being someone else" approach ([URL="http://www.aikiweb.com/blogs/my-path-17246/on-being-someone-else-3671/"]see that blog post[/URL]). Sort of "how might this look and feel if I were...?"  It worked beautifully. No "trying" just doing. And then feeling what it felt like to be doing things that way.

There was a second class tonight, normally for 2nd kyu and up, but tonight anyone could stay for it. I was very tempted, but also very tired. I would've been the only one below 4th kyu. I decided to stay if by doing so I would make an even number of students (6), but as luck would have it the number came out odd with me (7), so I passed on participating. Probably for the best, as I was really wiped out from little sleep and a very fast-paced day at work. It wasn't until I was on the way home I remembered that I also had to get the barn ready for a feed delivery in the morning, so it's a good thing I didn't stay later.]]></body>
	<date>11-13-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3718">
	<title><![CDATA[A Much Better Day (Day 6 of 16)]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I sure didn't get everything perfect today, but I did a lot better. 5-1/2 hours of sleep instead of 4, and actual meals (big, hearty salads), meant more energy. Last night's bath, plus a few sessions with ice packs, had everything feeling better today. More water, less coffee, more focused.

Not perfect... Still not enough sleep. I didn't eat or drink enough this afternoon. Having a good dinner now, with ice packs scattered about as needed, and heading for bed ASAP. I'm glad I seem to be able to get things going in the right direction, instead of getting more sore, and more tired.

Tonight (day 6 of 16) there were two classes, so I did them both - 2 hours, total. It's the first time I've trained on a Wednesday, because I usually have another commitment in the evening. So these classes were new ones for me.

The first class (open to all students) was the biggest class I've done, aside from the Nadeau seminar in July. The second class is "only" open to 6 kyu and above. (I'm 6th kyu - that's the level where you've proven some very basic competence at simple things - graduated from kindergarten, essentially.) There really is no set pattern to how classes are run, aside from warm-ups, but this week in particular, with a variety of yudansha teaching while Sensei is on vacation, they are even more variable. It's great to hear things explained in different ways, do new exercises and techniques, and experience a little different temperament to each class. 

I finally learned something that has been driving me nuts for months. I've seen the ukemi for tai no henko done two ways - staying rooted where you are, basically, or sort of spinning to face Nage (and keep your own alignment). I failed to see the pattern to when it was done one way versus the other. It seemed capricious. I'd almost accepted it as a koan of sorts - someday it would become clear to me why each way was randomly wrong half the time. [I](I suppose I should have, um... asked?)[/I] At any rate, someone (and I've very sorry that I can't remember who) pointed out that the difference is static practice (kihon waza?) versus doing the whole thing in-motion. Oh!   

Something I was especially aware of this evening, although it's always the case, was the attention to detail, kindness, patience, and generosity of spirit of everyone I have the privilege of working with. Everyone is careful with their partners, thoughtful in giving perceptive, helpful feedback, and really warm and caring about each other. (And I'm not just saying that because I know some them read my blog. Really.) It's a wonderful environment to practice and play in.

I found out today that yet another student will be signing up for the Aikido Bridge seminar. So that makes at least 4 of us from Aikido of San Diego who are going. Yay!

For the last couple of days the muscles under my left shoulder blade have been in spasm. Patient trigger point work last night and this morning helped, but even so, by the time I got to the dojo it was the sort of thing that made me not want to even take a deep breath. I considered not going to class, but I'm too stubborn to wimp out. Fortunately, like last Friday, a good workout with a lot of rolling got it feeling nearly perfect. Much, much better. By some great stroke of luck, I was also able to schedule a massage today for Saturday afternoon. Really looking forward to that! 

In the second class we did a simple, short jiyuwaza (freestyle series of attacks). By that time I was pretty tired, and really did a rather pathetic job of it. One thing I am proud of, however, is that I was able to mostly stay connected visually and energetically with my partner, in both roles (Uke/Nage). I was focusing on them, not the attack. As Nage I think I managed to mostly keep coming in and offering, not backing down. But then I couldn't seem to manage a single coherent technique. Oh well...

We had the opportunity to try a two-uke jiyuwaza (randori?) at the end of the second class. I would have loved to done it (in either role), but I was just too exhausted and dehydrated (in spite of drinking water all through class) to do anything else. I hope we have the chance again, when I'm not wiped out.

All in all, a tremendously fun evening. I left the dojo already looking forward to tomorrow night. But for now, a hot shower and sleep.]]></body>
	<date>11-12-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3717">
	<title><![CDATA[Training for Training]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Before I got horses, I got chickens as "practice livestock," to see if I was up for the whole feeding-and-cleaning-every-day-and-night thing. I made some mistakes, and learned a lot. After a year, and still enthusiastic, I tore out trees, got the yard graded, put in a barn and fencing, and dove into horse ownership better prepared for having had that experience with the chickens.

In addition to being fun and worthwhile on its own merits, this two-week period of training at every opportunity (now at only day 5 of 16) serves a similar purpose. This time it's to help me be more prepared for the [URL="http://aikidobridge.com/"]Aikido Bridge seminar in January[/URL]. And true to form I've made some mistakes and am learning a lot. A few lessons so far:
[LIST]
[*]Do not take on any other projects. Like grocery shopping, laundry, or cooking food. Get that stuff out of the way well beforehand.
[*]Do not make commitments that keep you up into the wee hours. Aikido on 4 hours' sleep and 10 cups of coffee is way less fun that you might imagine.
[*]Get plenty of sleep for at least the week before. Going into a more-intense-than-usual training period coming off a week of sleep deprivation is stupid.
[*]Don't plan anything at all in the evenings. Feed the critters, take a hot bath, go to bed with ice packs on anything ouchy.
[*]Eat as well as possible. Living on snacks (healthy ones though they may be) is not a good strategy for having lots of energy and endurance.
[*]Warm up and stretch in the mornings. Being tight and achy before class usually leads to guarded rolls and falls, which leads to more tightness and discomfort.
[*]Remember what trigger points are, and how to use them.
[*]Do not try to sneak in a few hours of extra work "in your spare time." There isn't any.
[/LIST]
I'm sure there are more, but I'm too tired to think of them. Time for some stretching, a hot bath, and, well, 6 hours sleep. Sigh.]]></body>
	<date>11-11-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3713">
	<title><![CDATA[A Little More Freedom]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[There is class on Monday (day 4 of 16), but because of a prior commitment I won't be there. So no training notes for day 4. It's the only day I'll be missing class.

Instead, I offer this, about my recent experience of trying to write a little information about my background:

[INDENT][B]Leaving Some Things Behind[/B]

I started to explain who I
Have been throughout the years

Justify my limitations
Perhaps excuse my fears

The stories told of loss and pain
And how life wasn't fair

Like dirty water to a fish
The stories were just there

But the more I wrote
The more it seemed
Those stories weren't mine

They'd lost their hold
And left me free 
My own life to define

[I]Linda Eskin
Copyright © 2009[/I][/INDENT]

I know, intellectually, that we need not be defined by our pasts. We can start now, where we are, and create our own futures anew. I had [I]known [/I]that, but still felt ensnared by a litany of Perfectly Good Reasons for being who I was. They were some really solid reasons, too.

But when I sat down recently to list these things they suddenly seemed insignificant, powerless, and pointless. Not like something I should [I]try to ignore[/I], and move ahead in spite of, but truly meaningless, at a gut level. It felt ridiculous even to be writing them down, and so I stopped.

I’m sure there will be times when stories from my past will seem more present and real than they do right now. But I won’t forget this.]]></body>
	<date>11-09-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3712">
	<title><![CDATA[Go Out and Play]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Day 3 of 16. No classes on Sunday. A quotation for the day:
[B][INDENT]"The delight of mountains, rivers, grasses, trees, beasts, fish, and insects is an expression of the Art of Peace."[/INDENT][/B]
[I]Morihei Ueshiba (O Sensei)[/I]]]></body>
	<date>11-08-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3711">
	<title><![CDATA[Sumo Suit Smackdown at the Dojo]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[On Saturday morning we had a really interesting class, with lots of fun exercises, including a sort of 6-uke slow/easy randori, which was really enlightening. Then there were exams - two for 6th kyu, and a 4th kyu. Dang, that 4th kyu test looks challenging (and exhausting).

After class we had a BBQ/potluck party, with inflatable Sumo suits. We often have some kind of party after exams, plus this time Jason and Karen (the two in the video, along with Sensei) were celebrating 10 years in Aikido. A fantastic time (and lunch) was had by all.

You can see more videos of all the fun on my YouTube Channel, under Aikido of San Diego: [URL="http://www.youtube.com/LindaEskin"]http://www.youtube.com/LindaEskin[/URL]]]></body>
	<date>11-08-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3709">
	<title><![CDATA[Working Hard, Playing Hard]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[This is the day one of my 15-day personal Aikido Intensive. Tonight included lots to think about - refining some well-known techniques and exploring some new ones. Awesome class. After a very challenging week at work (at lot of which was engaging and rewarding, but still…), I really needed it, too.

Several of the techniques we worked on involved falling or rolling - quite a lot of it. I had been kind of stiff and achy all day, and the first few rolls I did before class weren't pretty (or pleasant) at all. But by the end of the class my partner and I were playing pretty hard (by my standards, at least), and it was sheer fun. And afterward I felt a lot better than I did when I walked in.

As I was driving home I thought about my first phone conversation with [URL="http://www.goldbergsensei.com"]Dave Goldberg Sensei[/URL]. I knew I wanted to do Aikido, and was looking into training at [URL="http://www.aikidosd.com"]Aikido of San Diego[/URL]. I had heard somewhere about a low-impact class, and thought that might be what I needed, since I've had an abundance of foot, arm, hand, and shoulder problems (with all the associated PT, surgery, orthotics, etc.). Sensei explained that he'd tried that kind of class at some point, but he preferred that things be more inclusive, with everyone in the same classes. He said I wouldn't be expected to do anything I couldn't handle.

Part of that conversation was some nonsense from me about only being able to train once a week, and would that even be worth doing - and would he even have me as a student if that's all I could make time for. Thankfully, he said "A little Aikido is better than no Aikido," and invited me to come observe a class.

I had several concerns about doing Aikido. Because of foot problems I rarely wear sandals or go barefoot, even around the house. Walking from the car to the dojo in flip-flops was the first time in several years I'd worn anything other than fairly rigid, supportive shoes or boots. I felt naked. I considered taping my feet, but hoped I could handle working on the mat without that.

I've also had trouble with vertigo. On a few occasions it's been so bad I could not stand up, walk, or even look around. Completely debilitating and miserable. Last Christmas I spent two days sitting still and staring into the distance. When I managed to walk to the barn to feed Rainy and the donkeys I was so disoriented I had to hang onto things, and got seasick anyway. It's harmless, but awful. I've done months of PT for it, worked with vestibular disorders specialists, etc. I couldn't even lie down flat without risking starting the spinning all over again.

In class, of course, the first thing to do was to learn rolls, with one of the senior students. I didn't know what would happen when I tried - if the dojo would start spinning, if I wouldn't be able to stand up… And I told them so, because seeing someone in that condition can be fairly worrisome to one who isn't familiar with it. I had even arranged to call for a ride home, just in case I wasn't able to drive.

After that first class, in May 2009, I had some pretty sore muscles, but nothing injured my shoulders or hands. My feet felt OK on the mat. And the rolling didn't start the world spinning. (Woohoo!) Most of those problems are things I still need to take care about, but they haven't stopped me, and all have improved since I started doing Aikido.

I got to thinking about all this as I was driving home. How lucky I am to be able to do this at all, physically. How grateful I am for Sensei's stand on inclusive classes, and for giving a "one night a week" student a chance. How wonderful it is to just feel good in my body, even (especially) while playing pretty hard.

So if you see me grinning like an idiot while getting tossed across the dojo, now you'll know why.]]></body>
	<date>11-07-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3706">
	<title><![CDATA[My own 2-week Aikido Intensive]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Thanks to a happy fluke in my calendar, my next two weeks will be my own personal Aikido Intensive. It means being at work an hour early (and I am [I]not [/I]a morning person). I’ll have to kick butt on caring for Rainy and the donkeys, and on doing my strengthening exercises in the mornings and evenings. But I know it will be well worth it. It’s also going to be a particularly intense time at work, with some long hours, so Aikido will be a good re-centering time each day. And that's all my days will be - sleep, chores, exercises, work, Aikido, critters, work, sleep.

It starts this Saturday with an Aikido class, watching exams, & dojo party (and making a salad Friday night). There will be Sumo suits! Naturally I’ll try to get a cool photo or video to post. :p 

Next week I plan to train Tuesday through Saturday. Sensei will be away, so the classes will be taught by several of the yudansha. I’ve trained with most of them before, and am looking forward to experiencing their whole spectrum of approaches to Aikido and teaching throughout the week. There’s only one I have not had the opportunity to work with yet, but have been wanting to. I think he’s teaching two of the classes. Woohoo!

The following week Sensei is back, so the week will have an entirely different awesome quality to it. I plan to train Monday through Saturday that week.

I hope I can do that much! I’m really excited about seeing how near-daily training is different from the sporadic 2 or 3 days a week I’ve been doing. It’s going to mean being really careful not to injure myself, and aggressively staying on top of any sore, achy, or irritated bits. There are going to be lots of ice packs involved, since I don’t do anti-inflammatories. Oh, and getting plenty of sleep - that will be an interesting challenge.

I’m planning to blog every day for the two weeks, if for no other reason than to help with my own recall of everything. It might be pretty straight training notes. We’ll see.]]></body>
	<date>11-06-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3704">
	<title><![CDATA[Be gladdened.]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[[B][INDENT]"Create each day anew by clothing yourself with heaven and earth, bathing yourself with wisdom and love, and placing yourself in the heart of Mother Nature. Your body and mind will be gladdened, depression and heartache will dissipate, and you will be filled with gratitude."[/INDENT][/B]

[I]Morihei Ueshiba (O Sensei), from The Art of Peace, translated and edited by John Stevens[/I]

A month ago I would've thought of this as some lovely idealistic vision, but it's becoming my real daily experience.]]></body>
	<date>11-04-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3700">
	<title><![CDATA[How Aikido is Changing Me]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[[I]Note: I also posted this at [URL="http://www.grabmywrist.com"]www.grabmywrist.com[/URL], where the text was accompanied by a photo of a butterfly on an orange blossom in my backyard.[/I]

There’s been a discussion on AikiWeb lately, “[URL="http://www.aikiweb.com/forums/showthread.php?p=244503"]Aikido Changed My Life![/URL]“ about the ways one has been changed by Aikido.

I have been practicing Aikido for only a little over 6 months. Even in that short time I have had many experiences of not recognizing myself, more so in the past few weeks.

The changes I can explain are changes I have intentionally made - better fitness, weight loss, a more disciplined approach to some things at work and home. (I shared some of these in a post before my first exam “[URL="http://www.grabmywrist.com/post/197906348/reflections-at-the-1st-milestone"]Reflections at the First Milestone[/URL]”, and will share more recent ones another time.) In making these changes my practice of Aikido is a piton* in the rock face - a source of support and safety that enables me to climb higher.

But there are many changes I cannot explain. I’m happier, more settled, less cynical, more focused. I’m more aware of the emotions of people around me, more willing to be open and vulnerable with people, filled with gratitude, deeply touched by kindness. I’ve grown, and watched others grow. Things that were hard are easy. I never expected this.

This path is taking me through some unfamiliar but breathtaking territory.

[I]*Pitons (“PEE-tahn”) are those metal pins that mountain climbers pound into cracks and then hook onto to keep them from falling to their deaths if they slip.[/I]]]></body>
	<date>11-02-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3697">
	<title><![CDATA[Your Teacher is Always Right]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Since my last post was about looking for the lesson in everything your teacher does, I'll expand on that a bit with a realization I came to recently about being a student.

I'm a user experience analyst by day, writer, former technical communicator, and amateur horse trainer for fun. In each of those contexts I hear the same kinds of statements: "They're just lazy." "They're too dumb to understand." "They're being difficult on purpose."

When you are a writer, user experience designer, teacher, or horse trainer, and your reader, user, student, or horse isn't "getting it" (let's just call that whole group "students"), it's always useful to assume that the problem lies with you.

It's not that every failure of a student [I]is [/I]your fault, but coming from that assumption is where you find your power to influence the interaction. This is a point I've been making for years. [I]You [/I]aren't using language they understand. [I]You [/I]are asking more than they can do at the moment. [I]You [/I]haven't sufficiently grabbed their attention. [I]You [/I]haven't engaged them sufficiently in learning.

If, in your mind, your student "really is too dumb to understand" there's nothing you can do about that but whine and justify your failure. But if it's that you are presenting the subject in a way they aren't able to grasp, then you have the power to change that. By adjusting your communication style so that this student (however dumb they may "really" be) can understand, you can reach them. If users aren't reading your 400-page manual, maybe it's because it's deadly dull, and hard to browse through quickly. Change that, and maybe they'll turn to the manual instead of calling Support. If your horse is "being a pain" maybe you've made learning difficult and frustrating for them. Figure out how to make it easy and rewarding, and watch their "attitude problem" disappear.

These are things I've been saying for ages. It's your responsibility to reach them. If you aren't reaching them, it's your fault.

Recently, as a new Aikido student, I've seen online several instances of students (often total newbies like myself) who have decided that their teacher isn't quite all there when it comes to teaching, managing the dojo, or executing techniques. Or sometimes there are just subtle variations in things different teachers or sempai say or demonstrate, which lead a student to doubt that person.

In watching these discussions, and my own reaction to receiving conflicting information, I've discovered an equally powerful complement to the above position: [I]Your teacher is always right.[/I]

Yes, of course there are teachers who should not be teaching. And if you really have one, leave, and find a better teacher. But in general, when you are the student, the most useful position to adopt is that your teacher knows what the heck they are talking about. As above, it's not that your teacher[I] is[/I] always right, but by assuming that they are you stand to benefit the most from their teaching.

If something doesn't seem logical or effective to you, you [I]could [/I]say to yourself "This doesn't make any sense." If your teacher presents a technique that's different from how you've seen it done somewhere else, you could decide that your teacher doesn't have a clue. So there you are, with a clueless teacher who's teaching things that don't make sense. End of story on them - and on your learning.

The more useful position, that your teacher is always right, leaves you asking the questions like "I don't understand this -what am I missing?" or "This is different from what I'm used to seeing - how is this way better?"

Instead of shutting down, mentally, you are engaged in ongoing exploration and questioning, looking for opportunities to expand your learning.]]></body>
	<date>10-31-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3692">
	<title><![CDATA[Look for the Lesson]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[In any interaction with Sensei I assume there is a lesson - that Sensei knows exactly what he's doing, and there's a point to it.

In a recent class we were doing an exercise, each walking straight toward Sensei and turning tenkan to avoid his bokken swings, sideways at our midsections. I did OK the first time through, and got back in the end of the line.

The next time I was up I was ready. Was it going to be right or left? Watching for any sign... a shift of weight, tightening of arm, or settling of a hip. I knew what was coming, and was ready for it. I tried to be equally ready to tenkan out of the way to whichever side, depending on the direction of the swing. When it was my turn I moved toward Sensei trying not to favor either way. Trying to not anticipate one or the other, left or right...

And he tsuki'ed directly into me.

I'm sure he had to pull the thrust to keep me from impaling myself, even though I folded in the middle and backed off. And the class and I had a good laugh. Dammit. I didn't see that coming.

I can't say whether he really meant it as a lesson, or if he was bored with going to the left and right, or was just having a little fun. But I took it as a lesson - although it didn't quite sink in until a couple of days later, when I sort of got the joke and started laughing as I was feeding the horse and donkeys. I had been ready for something I "[I]knew[/I]" was coming. I was planning what I was going to do, based on my expectation of what I was sure would happen. I was not open, perceiving, and responding to what was actually happening. Now I get it!

As far as I'm concerned, the exercise was a direct, intentional lesson in what can happen when I think instead of feel. Sensei knew exactly what was going on in my head, and pointed out the potential consequences in an immediate and visceral (or eviscerating?) way that I was sure to remember.

Did he [I]really [/I]mean it that way? Maybe not. I don't actually believe that teachers always do everything so deliberately. It's just that it's most useful for my own training to assume that they do, and always be looking for the lesson.

It wouldn't surprise me a bit if he [I]did [/I]do it very much on purpose.

I'm grateful for having "gotten the point," in any case.]]></body>
	<date>10-29-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3683">
	<title><![CDATA[Commit first, then figure it out]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Something I have found fun and useful in several areas of life (music, riding, and now Aikido) is to commit to doing or participating in something, and then figure out how to make it happen. For instance, I might commit to being at a weekend horse camping event. Then I have to get after making sure my truck and trailer are ready to go, get my horse used to loading in the trailer, etc. I don't wait until I'm ready, and then commit. I commit, and then use that commitment as a reason to get off my butt and get ready.

I recently signed up for a 3-day riding clinic in March. I've done virtually nothing with Rainy (my horse) for months. So having a date in early spring when we have to be capable of participating in clinic (plus having the truck and trailer current on maintenance, etc.) is a good goal. I've promised to be there, and paid in full. Time to start getting ready.

Now just this past week I have signed up for the [URL="http://aikidobridge.com/"]Aikido Bridge Friendship Seminar (http://aikidobridge.com/). [/URL]It's in mid-January. I figured with 3 months to work on everything in general, and to get in better shape, I should be OK to participate in a 4-day seminar without dropping dead. :p  I just need to put in some extra time, focus during class. It's a killer opportunity, but it's just a seminar. No biggie.

And then the videos I ordered arrived, of the same seminar from past years. Uh oh. :eek: Mind you, I just did my 6th kyu exam. Nevermind "beginner's mind," I have beginner's everything. The video shows about 50 yudansha and about 2 mudansha, really going at it. On tatami mats (read: not very forgiving at all). :eek:  LOL I really am going to die now. I can see the headline: "Local Woman Dies of Humilation and Bruises" :dead: 

I'm kidding. I really am looking forward to it, and very excited about participating. But dang I'm glad I have 3 months! Getting my rolls and falls as soft as possible is one thing I'll really be focusing on. If I start getting sore there I'll get tense and guarded/defensive, and that won't help anything. And luckily I'll have a few weeks in November where I can really step up my training, from my usual 2 days a week to nearly every day. And I've been slacking off a little on stretching, strengthening, and icing. No more of that. Back at it.

As with any of these things I commit to doing, it's great motivation for doing whatever it takes to get prepared. This looks a little deeper than the deep ends I'm used to jumping in, but I can swim even in deep water. :D]]></body>
	<date>10-24-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3671">
	<title><![CDATA[On Being Someone Else]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[A bunch of random-but-related thoughts have been swarming around my head lately like so many butterflies that won't alight long enough to permit a decent photograph. So I'll try doing what I've done before here when I can't herd ideas into coherence - I'll just blurt them all out and see if there's anything useful among the lot.

[B]Thought #1: [/B]When I was preparing for my first exam (6th kyu) one of the things I had to work on was basic jiyuwaza (dealing with free-form attacks by Uke - all simple grabs at this level).

Jiyuwaza was really intimidating for me. It wasn't fear of getting hit or grabbed - I've done sparring before (and besides, I knew my mentor/uke wasn't out to get me, really). It was fear of looking stupid, not being able to think of what to do. Brain cramps, basically. It felt to me like being asked to sing a song I didn't know. I didn't know what to do. Deer in the headlights time. Hated it. My mentor, Scott, would suggest practicing jiyuwaza, and I'd melt into a heap of whining about how I hated it, and wasn't any good at it. "Oh no, not that."

Luckily I recognized that for what it was. In addition to Scott's very capable coaching about what to actually do during jiyuwaza, one thing that really helped me was dressage coach Jane Savoie's advice to say to myself "I love doing jiyuwaza! It's my favorite thing! This is my chance to have fun and play!" Yes, I actually said that stuff every time - in a convincing enough way that my brain started to buy into it. (Bless Scott's heart for not falling over laughing.)

Another thing (finally, we get to the point…) that helped me tremendously was that I'd recently done jiyuwaza in class with one of the yudansha who has a particularly fun and self-assured presence. You fall or roll, and he's Right There when you come up, hand outstretched, with a look like "well, what are you doing goofing around on the mat - let's go!" Scott cited him as an example to follow. That was great, because while I didn't know quite what he did, exactly, I did know how it felt. So rather than trying to do the things he was doing, I just tried being him. It worked beautifully. The "doing" came along with the "being" without thinking about it.

[B]Thought #2: [/B]Robert Nadeau Shihan, in his interview for the "Aikido - The Way of Harmony Podcast" (also available on iTunes) discusses the futility of trying to do something one cannot do. One example from the podcast is learning to deal better with pressure. Rather than trying to handle pressure as our current self (which we've already determined has a problem with pressure), we can instead grow into someone who can deal with pressure better. I'm starting to see, I think, that one can make that jump to a new "someone who" very quickly in some situations.

[B]Being too aggressive:[/B] A few classes ago I "got caught" being too… forceful? aggressive? I was frustrated, and trying to make a technique work by muscle and speed (as if I had any chance of that working). Eyes hard. Breath short. Not controlled. Not cool. No aiki happening. Sensei of course saw that and called me on it. (Thank you, Sensei.) (Grrr, Self.) Not what I'm training for.

[B]Being too floppy: [/B]In a seminar on Connection earlier this month (see my post about that) we used video. Aside from all the usual "I look like a goof" stuff one notices in video, I saw that what I was doing was not consistent with how I felt, or what my intention was. I looked floppy, uncentered, unbalanced… Acck! I don't feel like a floppy, uncentered, unbalanced person, but there you go. And really, what I saw on the video was consistent with some ongoing problems I've been having in my technique, like failing to grab solidly, not wrapping my thumb around to hold on. Wimpy, weak, unsure. Yuck.

[B]Noticing a way of being:[/B] Recently I noticed something about the way Sensei was working with ukes. (See my earlier post "Vet Tech Analogy") From that post:  "There was no rushing, no anger, no malicious intent. What I saw was calm, composed compassion, along with undeniable power and absolute control. It suddenly reminded me of watching a veterinary technician (vet tech) control an animal patient." It was exactly what I was not doing. It's exactly what I want to be doing. Soft, controlled, effective Aikido. But until I thought of "vet tech" I didn't really have an image for that. It seemed to be a huge collection of behaviors to be learned (and it is that, too, I know), rather than a unified way of being.

[B]Thought #3:[/B] Wendy Palmer Sensei, in her book "The Intuitive Body - Discovering the Wisdom of Conscious Embodiment and Aikido," suggests ways of letting our bodies teach our minds. One of the things we can learn from out bodies is about having certain qualities. Rather than complaining "I wish I weren't so scattered," or even making the more affirmative statement "I have great focus," Palmer Sensei suggests asking of our bodies "What would it be like if I had more focus?" and feeling what our bodies have to tell us. We can do this with any quality we want to embody.

Palmer Sensei suggests picking one quality at a time, but I have two that sort of grabbed me. The first is tenderness. "What would it be like if I had more tenderness?" That's kind of missing for me, so I'm trying on that question. But that didn't feel quite complete. Something else was missing. Firmness. "What would it be like if I had more firmness." Hmmm…

[B]Putting things together:[/B] So for the past few classes (and everywhere else) I've been playing with these ideas. "How would it feel to handle Uke like a vet tech would handle a big, strong, scared puppy?" "What would it be like if I had more tenderness?" "What would it be like if I had more firmness?" It's definitely a different way of thinking than trying to remember to do things differently: grab more solidly, stay soft and quiet, etc. but it seems to be helping with those things. I'm starting to see the possibilities in "being someone who" does things the way I'd like to be doing them. It's an idea I'll be playing with more.

[I]"Don't do something different, be someone different."[/I]]]></body>
	<date>10-21-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3660">
	<title><![CDATA[Connection (and Riding)]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I’m just back from this morning’s seminar on Connection, and things are only just starting to sink in. So I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts (or feelings?) on this eventually. But here are a few things that stood out for me at first glance.

We did an exercise where we did shomenuchi ikkyo, ura waza, but without touching each other. Just staying together through the technique in a sort of magnetic way. It was pretty easy and slow at first, and as Nage it felt a bit like operating a marionette (a puppet operated at a distance by strings). But then we switched partners and I was working with someone doing it quite a bit faster. And I, when I was Uke, had to keep up! It required a lot more alertness, and willingness to actively move with Nage’s direction. He’d spiral backward and downward quite fast (it seemed), and I had to move to stay with him. A strange experience, throwing oneself!

A little light went on there. I have been relying on Nage to physically move me through techniques. Not actively resisting, but not actively extending into the technique, either. Shutting down. Being done unto.

Later, while doing kotegaeshi, I injured the back of my hand - I think by getting behind Nage’s motion, instead of staying with him. No biggie, but it blew up a little, so I sat out for a while to do the ice, pressure, & elevation thing. It gave me a chance to watch and let things sink in.

Everyone was working on a reversal technique, and exploring the idea that staying connected and active is what lets you be (as Uke) in a position to do the reversal. It occurred to me that staying actively engaged and connected, instead of shutting down and being done unto, is one of the things missing in my riding. I already knew this on one level - that I tend to shut down when “things get a little Western.” It’s one of the specific things I came to Aikido to work on.

Today’s work gave me a slightly different perspective on it. I’ve been thinking in terms of “don’t shut down.” But that doesn’t give me anywhere to go. “Not shutting down” is hard thing to [I]do[/I] - because it’s a negative. (Go ahead and try not shutting down.) One of the things I know in horse training is that you can’t train a horse to not do something. You have to train it to do something else that is incompatible with the undesirable behavior. Something like “lower your head in response to rein pressure” is trainable, where “don’t toss your head” isn’t. The head lowering precludes head tossing.

I’d even thought, in my things I want to get out of Aikido, as far as “be able to take effective action in the face of overwhelming physical threat” (like when your 1,400 lb horse is bucking across an open meadow). But that’s hard to [I]do[/I], too, because it’s too vague. Or maybe it a consequence of something. There’s a step missing.

“Stay connected with your partner,” on the other hand, is something specific one can do. It’s specific and immediate (or ongoing, actually). It naturally precludes shutting down and being done unto. So there’s something I can work on. Staying connected with my horse. Going from “being bucked with” to “back in control” is a reversal of sorts, one that connection makes possible.

There was a lot more. It amazes me how much one can get out of two hours of focused work. I did a few things I’m kind of pleased with, some I’m not. In a few cases the things I’m pleased with were things I was doing wrong (or poorly), but could at least tell that I was doing them wrong, and was able to make some corrections. There’s a lot about what I saw on the video (no, it’s not on YouTube) that is in jarring conflict with how I see myself, and how I want to be seen. One of the things Aikido has helped me discover is that abject public mortification won’t kill me. Don’t hide from it, learn from it. There’s never any concern that I might run out of things to work on. ;-)]]></body>
	<date>10-11-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3659">
	<title><![CDATA[Vet Tech Analogy]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[[Originally posted on my blog www.grabmywrist.com, on 10/10/2009, at 4:25 p.m., when AikiWeb was down.]

I’ve heard it said that Aikido is more like police work than like the military. You want to control a bad situation, keeping everyone as safe as possible. There’s nothing comparable to storming in and taking out the enemy. It’s an analogy that resonates with me, and has been very useful in explaining to non-Aikido friends why my training isn’t about fighting or beating people up.

But I’ve noticed something in the past week that brought another image to mind. First, I was watching Sensei working with some of the yudansha. There was no rushing, no anger, no malicious intent. What I saw was calm, composed compassion, along with undeniable power and absolute control. It suddenly reminded me of watching a veterinary technician (vet tech) control an animal patient. Vet techs have a variety of techniques they use to immobilize a animal so it can be safely treated without hurting them, the veterinarian, or itself. The animal is absolutely controlled, but with no intent to cause it harm, only kindness and sympathy. It’s done firmly, so there’s no question in the animal’s mind that it might be able to get loose, but no more force is used than necessary. It’s interesting that the animal usually feels safe, and calms down.

Later I got to experience being Uke as Sensei demonstrated a technique. The analogy held up. There was no pain, or even force, but there was also no question of resisting, and a sense of total safety.

It’s easy to imagine some of the sense of safety being due to working with someone you trust implicitly. But cats don’t trust vet techs, and they still seem to have that experience.

If we can use Aikido with actual attackers (in whatever context), to evoke that calming sense of utter control and safety… Well, it’s an image I’ll keep around and play with, to see how well it fits.]]></body>
	<date>10-11-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3658">
	<title><![CDATA[Don't Push So Hard Against the World]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[In the last few days I'm finally finding my feelings and discoveries about the [B]Aikido In Focus [/B]seminar, called [I]"Relax, it's Aikido"[/I] (August 23rd, 2009, one in [URL="http://www.aikidosd.com/focus.htm"]a series of seminars by Dave Goldberg Sensei, Aikido of San Diego[/URL]) forming themselves into coherent thoughts. OK, so I think slowly.

I didn't know what to expect from this seminar. Relaxation is something I knew I needed to work on in my riding, at least, and it was bound to be a pleasant enough experience, so I signed up. I regularly go to a 90-minute class, and the seminar was only 2 hours, so I wasn't expecting miracles.

But I knew immediately that something deeply important had happened to me in the seminar. The best I could do at the time was to see it as a mental image of hands lifting a stuck Roomba (a wandering robotic vacuum cleaner) out of a corner. Or perhaps more poetically, a little fish being helped from a tide pool into the open sea. (Funny that I think "kohai" sounds like it should be the name of a little fish.) There was a distinct sense of being set free from a tightly bounded existence, and having a vastly expanded space in which to live and play with others. I noticed friends laughing, and it made me happy. I seemed more receptive to the emotional states, both positive and negative, of people around me. Something happened, but I couldn't say what it was.

There's very little of the visceral, experiential "doing" of Aikido that I can put to words. I think that's why I end up writing poetry about a lot of it - because that's evocative, not rational or explanatory. This is really challenging for me, because the way I get things into memory frequently is by writing them down. So I sometimes feel like have only the most tenuous hold on newly-gained knowledge until I have put it into my own words. And when friends have asked me what we covered in the seminar, the best I could do was to blabber incoherently that it was a lot of fun. I could say there were these really cool exercises we did, but I couldn't even describe those in any context that would make sense.

One of the things that started off this crystallization of amorphous thoughts just recently has been my discovery of a beautiful song, with this chorus:

[B]Don't push so hard against the world.
You can't do it all alone,
And if you could, would you really want to,
Even though you're a Big Strong Girl?

(Come on, come on, lay it down.)
The best made plans...
(Come on, come on, lay it down.)
Are your open hands.[/B]

From [I]"Big Strong Girl"[/I] by [URL="http://www.debtalan.com"]Deb Talan[/URL], on the CD [I]"A Bird Flies Out"[/I] (available on iTunes)

The seminar itself was great fun. Very pleasant and relaxing (as one might expect). We started with a sort of whole-body inventory - finding tension and letting it go, getting centered, breathing. When everyone was in a soft, relaxed space we moved on to doing lots of fun exercises, mostly interacting with each other. I could describe who did what, and how it all looked, but that would be beside the point.

It's telling that when I mention or think of the name of the seminar, I almost always get it wrong. I remember it as being about [I]"feeling" [/I]- about letting yourself feel. Sensei created a safe, trustworthy environment in which to experience relinquishing control, and going with the feel of things. We got to experience [I]responding [/I]naturally and effectively by [I]feeling [/I]each others' movement and energy, moment-by-moment, and not trying to decide ahead of time, by [I]thinking[/I], what we [I]should [/I]be doing.

The way I see it there are two ends to the spectrum that was revealed: A tense, forceful, controlled way of being versus being relaxed, open, and following the feel (an expression horsepeople will recognize). As you might have guessed by now, I tend to live on the controlled end. I know how things are supposed to be, and have some pretty good attachment to trying to make them be that way. That can be fine in some circumstances, like knowing and following traffic laws so nobody gets killed. But as a way of life it's somewhat limiting.

OK, it's a lot limiting. Days after the seminar, still on a vague sort of indescribable high from the experience, I finally started to see that bigger picture, and it hit me hard: I haven't been letting myself feel. I habitually operate from already knowing, and forcing, rather than from perceiving and allowing. In response to a lot of physical pain over many years I mostly stopped hearing what my body had to say. I like people, and am happy to interact with them, but I don't let them affect me, really. My emotional dial only goes from 3 to 7. In shutting out grief and disappointment I've also shut out joy and hope.

[I]I haven't been letting myself feel.[/I]

And then there I was, suddenly in tears, realizing the cost of living like that, and seeing the potential in letting that go. I've never experienced that level of emotion from a... a what... Epiphany seems too strong, too cliche, but yeah, that's really it. ("[I]a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.[/I]") A sudden insight about who am, how I am, bought on by the simple experience of relaxing, and letting myself [I]feel, and act on feeling[/I] for a couple of hours.

The experience opened a broad crack in a thick wall. There's light streaming through, and I can get to the other side, but I have a lot of work ahead. It still seems natural to hang out on this familiar, comfortable side of the wall most of the time. But with ongoing conscious examination of my experience and actions it should become easier to stop "pushing so hard against the world."

I suppose that perceiving the reality of a situation, including movement, direction, balance, and energy of one's partner, could have implications for one's Aikido as well. Maybe the "best made plans" aren't plans at all, but "our open hands."]]></body>
	<date>10-07-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3656">
	<title><![CDATA[Discovering Connection]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I suppose it's true that in any pursuit, the more you learn, the more you realize how little you know.

At a few points thus far in my short Aikido journey I've had glimpses what might lie along the road ahead. Vague outlines of the tops of distant mountains. A barely perceptible pre-dawn glow from a city beyond the forest. Is that the wind, or the roar of a far-off river?

I had one of those glimpses recently, when Sensei demonstrated in a simple technique the difference that connection makes. No connection. Connection. Twenty seconds out of a ninety-minute class, and the impact was profound. More about that, please!

From this shore I've seen a bird fly in from another land, away over the horizon. [URL="http://www.aikidosd.com/focus.htm"]Next Sunday we row out to begin exploring it.[/URL] I can't wait.]]></body>
	<date>10-04-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3653">
	<title><![CDATA[Aikido? Or Riding?]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I've had this idea rattling around in my head for quite a while. I think students of either discipline will recognize these points - and will probably be able to cite many more.

[B]Aikido? Or Riding?[/B]
[I]Linda Eskin[/I]

Heels down, chest open, eyes forward. Breathe.
Relax your shoulders, soften your elbows. Breathe.

Look where you want to go
And you will go there.

Close your hands.
You're not holding a teacup.

Don't look at the ground.
The ground isn't going anywhere.

Drop your center.
Get deeper, more stable, grounded.

Let your eyes be soft.
Take in the entire scene.

Be straight and light, 
Like a string is lifting the top of your head.

Heels down, chest open, eyes forward. Breathe.
Relax your shoulders, soften your elbows. Breathe.

Be firm and clear.
Direct your partner with certainty.

The stick is not for hitting.
It's an extension of your body.

Flow with your partner.
Feel their energy and go with it.

Ask for no more
Than your partner can give.

Close your eyes.
Feel your way through the movement.

Align your body and intention. 
Your energy goes where your center is pointing.

Heels down, chest open, eyes forward. Breathe.
Relax your shoulders, soften your elbows. Breathe.

Don't hurry things.
The more you rush, the slower you get there.

We're all beginners.
It takes a lifetime. Just keep practicing.

.]]></body>
	<date>10-02-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3651">
	<title><![CDATA[Patience My A...]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Tonight I was frustrated with myself, as usual, when I still couldn't get a technique right on the 4th or 5th try. My partner, as he's done several times before, just smiled and told me to be patient.

I was reminded of the sign which hangs on my office door: "Patience My A...". I originally bought it (at the local tack store, of course) because it so perfectly described how I felt most of the time. Obstacles be damned, let's get things done! That's a good thing, right?

And with most intellectual challenges I get right up to speed. I can become fluent in information, ideas, facts, concepts, and vocabulary really quickly. Throw me in a deep end, and I'll swim. I do it all the time in my work. I think my proficiency with that kind of learning makes it all the more annoying that physical learning doesn't work the same way.

Our bodies only "get" things just so fast. Rushing is counterproductive. If you play guitar, maybe you remember learning a barred F chord. You were never going to get it. It sounded awful, and felt awkward. You must not be doing it right. It was impossible, probably for months. And then one day it was just there, and it was easy. There were some tips to learn, of course, but hurrying, using more muscle, and getting mad at yourself didn't help a bit. You just had to practice.

There are days when one Aikido technique or other is that barred F chord. I can see how it's supposed to go. Everyone else is doing it gracefully and effectively, but I can't do it to save my life. Hurrying, using more muscle, and getting mad at myself never help. I still try them all, of course, but I'm getting a little better at recognizing that mental state, letting those things go sooner, and getting back to patiently, slowly, calmly trying again, and trying again, and trying again.

Robert Nadeau Shihan said something* that really helped me understand the conflict between my expectations of myself ("the I-self") vs. the reality of the way I learn physical skills (the functioning system), and to be more patient (when I remember). He said:

[INDENT]"The functioning system should be able to move along the way that[I] it [/I]moves along, without being inflicted on negatively, or improperly, by an I-self system." 

"...it has great growth capability, the functioning system, but it has its own timing, and its own way of doing it. See, the self is kind of big and vast. I mean,[I] in a split second [/I]I can imagine myself in Kauai, on the beach, having a fish dinner at my favorite restaurant. You know, [I]in a split second, it's like I'm there[/I]. But for my body to move, my body has to move the way that it moves. So I can't get mad at myself if I can't physically go..." and the interviewer finishes, "to the beach and eat your fish dinner." "Yeah," Nadeau continues, "They both have their own rules, if you would. ..."[/INDENT]

[I](*In his interview with Jeff Davidson for the "Aikido - The Way of Harmony Podcast," available on iTunes.)[/I]

There's also something Sensei said, when I was restless about getting back to training after an injury. Perhaps I should flip my sign over, and paint it on the blank side:

[INDENT]"There's no rush."[/INDENT]]]></body>
	<date>09-30-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3646">
	<title><![CDATA[GrabMyWrist.com is Live]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[My Aikido blog is live at [URL="http://www.grabmywrist.com/"]http://www.grabmywrist.com/[/URL] 

The same (basically) as my AikiWeb blog, & I'll run them in parallel. You can't comment on the other one. It's more for people who aren't on AikiWeb already. It's a bit easier to browse, has more photos, etc. But it's not a replacement for this AikiBlog.

Happy reading,
Linda]]></body>
	<date>09-27-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3645">
	<title><![CDATA[Rhythms Around the Dojo]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I think I've noticed an interesting rhythm to what is covered in classes: As exams approach, about every 2 months, classes focus more on techniques that are required for the exams (thank goodness!). Just after exams, we get to try some more interesting things. Both of the classes I did today covered new (to me) ground. Fun stuff!]]></body>
	<date>09-26-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3643">
	<title><![CDATA[Another Poem: &quot;More Than Technique&quot;]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[A few days ago I was reading some of the past newsletter articles on the [URL="http://www.aikidosd.com"]Aikido of San Diego[/URL] website, and was in a writing kind of mood, so I rewrote Sensei's "Subject of the Season" article from the Spring 2009 newsletter as a poem, just for fun. (This one actually came before the one I posted a few days ago.) I thought you might enjoy it.
-----

[B]More Than Technique[/B]
[I]by Linda Eskin
Derived from Dave Goldberg Sensei's Spring09 Newsletter[/I]

Words are not the essence of poetry.
Techniques are not the expression of Aikido

Poetry evokes, conveys, inspires.
Aikido balances, grounds, frees.
Brushes and paint are not the artwork.

The toddler, barely walking, dances freely.
Express your Aikido fully, from the beginning.]]></body>
	<date>09-24-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3638">
	<title><![CDATA[Poem: Feeling]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[You know how being cooped up inside all day makes you want to run and play once you get outdoors? I think writing deadly dull things like software specs does the same for my writing. I have to run around and play. I've been reading some of our dojo newsletters online, and although they are written in prose, I hear what's said as poetry. So because I tend to rewrite anything that crosses my path, I've been running around and playing with rewriting newsletters as poems. I can't say if this a "good" poetry, but I hope it touches you.


[B]Feeling[/B]
[I]by Linda Eskin[/I]
[I]Inspired by some things Dave Goldberg Sensei has said in class, and in [URL="http://aikidosd.com/Fall08.htm"][U]Fall 2008 Aikido of San Diego newsletter[/U][/URL].[/I]

Connect with The Earth.
Ground yourself deeply, solidly,
And experience her silent power.
Let The Earth support you.

Connect with The Heavens.
Perceive the vastness of the sky.
The stars are always above us.
Let yourself breathe in The Heavens.

Connect with Your Body.
Fill where there is emptiness. 
Relax where there is tension.
Let Your Body speak. And listen.

Connect with Nage.
Attack with your whole heart. 
Bring your gifts of energy and direction.
Go fully where Nage takes you.

Connect with Uke. 
Let yourself welcome their gifts.
Respond with ruthless compassion.
Take Uke where they are going.

Connect with Your Self.
Notice where your heart is grounded.
See where balance has been lost.
Let Your Self return to a solid base.

Connect with Everyone.
Notice where our hearts are grounded.
See where balance has been lost.
Be the space for Everyone to connect.]]></body>
	<date>09-23-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3637">
	<title><![CDATA[GrabMyWrist.com]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[:D  I just acquired the domain name www.grabmywrist.com LOL I found that it was available, and like finding a great sale on something I don't really need, I bought it.  :p 

Don't bother going there - there's nothing there yet.

Now to figure out what to do with it... I'm kinda thinking something bloggish. Possibly funny, possibly practical, possibly about being a beginner in Aikido. (Hey! Something I know about!)

Ahhh... A blank slate. :rolleyes:]]></body>
	<date>09-22-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3632">
	<title><![CDATA[6th Kyu Exam Video]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I had my exam for 6th kyu this morning. You can see the whole thing on video here: [URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZR4eKhpRXE"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZR4eKhpRXE[/URL] Commentary and feedback are invited, of course. (This is the same video I posted on Facebook, in case you've already seen it there.)

At our dojo ([URL="http://www.aikidosd.com"]www.aikidosd.com[/URL]) we start as unranked. The first test is for 6th kyu. 

The exam covered:
- Ukemi: forward & back roll
- Katate-dori: tai no henko, shihonage (omote & ura) 
- Shomen-uchi: tenkan & irimi, ikkyo (omote & ura) 
- Jiyuwaza: grabs 
- Suwariwaza: kokyu dosa

What I've been telling my non-Aikidoka friends is that this test is a little like graduating from kindergarten. I had to show that I basically know my colors and can tie my own shoes. Simple stuff, but hard for a beginner to master. :)

Most of the feedback I got was very positive. :D There were a few hiccups: 
- I was mentally off-kilter from having just run back from the restroom (there had been a line). Everyone was already seated on the mat, and my exam was first. So it was run back, sit down, get up, go! :eek: 
- I was winded from rushing, and it took a few minutes to recover from that at the start.
- I got dizzy/spaced from rolling, :hypno:  so blew my first hanmi (for the shomen-uchi tenkan), and then almost fell over. (D'oh!)
- I was not expecting to have to do shikko (knee walking), so I had no idea why Sensei was asking me if my knees were injured. :confused:  I think that was my only real deer-in-the-headlights, "duh" moment. I had never tried it on the mat (only once at home), but got through it OK.
- Sensei pointed out afterward that my kokyu-dosa (suwariwaza) could be bigger, with better extension.
Overall I'm very happy. Naturally I wanted to nail every last detail, but I did OK, and didn't embarrass my teachers. ;) I'll take it.

I had a great time preparing for the exam, and was lucky to work with a very capable mentor. I have never felt so much on the receiving end of the "it takes a village" (to raise a child) concept. In addition to learning from Dave Goldberg Sensei and the other instructors, I have learned from nearly everyone in my dojo, and from others as well. Maybe I can start helping others along now and then (on simple stuff, for the moment).

Now that I have been through the testing process once, I'll be paying attention in a slightly different way in class now (and likely taking notes after classes). And I'll certainly be paying more attention to the names of each technique.

Having achieved this little first step, one of my next goals (in addition to working toward 5th kyu, and getting in better physical shape, of course) is to begin to explore applying what I'm learning in Aikido to my riding and other work with my horse. I'll be posting those adventures here, too.

Many thanks for the ongoing encouragement. :)]]></body>
	<date>09-19-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3630">
	<title><![CDATA[Reflections at the 1st Milestone]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[This Saturday morning I will arrive at a milestone of sorts on my Aikido path - my first test, for 6th kyu. I've done 36 training days over the course of four and one half months. I can't believe it's only been that long - it feels like a lifetime (in a good way). Some reflections on my journey so far:

Early on I injured my shoulder, and I have recovered completely from that injury. I have lost 20 pounds. I worked with a personal trainer/PT to set up an exercise program, and am in better shape than I have been in years. I've made new friends at the dojo, locally, and online, and have reconnected with still more friends through Aikido. I've seen several rounds of tests, including the Sho-Dan test of one of my favorite sempai. I've learned that I like (and need, really) meditating before class. I've been to a dojo picnic, a party, and camping.

I've always enjoyed learning, so I dove into Aikido from many angles. Even before looking into local dojo I listened to all 9 episodes of the "Aikido - The Way of Harmony" podcast. I have listened to them again since, many times since, and I'm sure will many more. Together they are a great introduction to Aikido, and I hear them in a completely new way each time I listen.

I've read a nightstand-full of books, including "The Art of Peace" (O Sensei) of course, "Aikido and the New Warrior" (edited by Richard Strozzi-Heckler), "The Way of Aikido - Life Lessons from an American Sensei" (George Leonard), "Aikido for Life" (Gaku Homma), and "In the Dojo - A  Guide to the Rituals and Etiquette of the Japanese Martial Arts" (Dave Lowry). Shifflett's "Aikido Exercises for Teaching and Training" has been a great help generally by providing a broad look at training and learning, and specifically by sharing good information on stretches and exercises that address some problems I have had for years. And of course it was the horse trainer Mark Rashid, and his book "Horsemanship Through Life," that brought me to Aikido in the first place.

I'm currently browsing through "Aikido and the Dynamic Sphere" (Westbrook & Ratti) A bookshelf of others awaits, include all three of Ellis Amdur's books, Donn Draeger's 3-volumn set "Martial Arts and Ways of Japan." Those may be just the thing for cold evenings after the time changes. (Daylight and nice weather are cherished commodities for horsepeople.)

Videos have provided still more information and inspiration, including Ellis Amdur Sensei's DVD, "Ukemi from the Ground Up," George Ledyard Sensei's 3 DVD (videos) set, "2006 Seminar on Entries," and many, many shorter, less formal videos on YouTube. I've also found "Aikido 3D" (software) to be a very useful tool for reviewing the mechanics of techniques. It's perfect for those "how did that technique go, again?" questions that haunt one late at night.

I had no interest in weapons at first, thinking of them as a kind of interesting sideline for people who are into that sort of thing. Now I have my own set, and enjoy training with them every bit as much (if not more, on some days) as I enjoy open-hand practice.

So far I've participated in classes at the dojo with Dave Goldberg Sensei, of course, and also with most of the yudansha: Mike, Karen, Jason, Megan, Cyril, and Andy. Each has an entirely different style of teaching, and they all complement each other beautifully. I've also been fortunate to participate in several seminars with visiting instructors.

Robert Nadeau Shihan came to our dojo in late July for a two-day seminar on "Aikido as an Art of Harmony," giving us all an opportunity to look through the lens of Aikido at how we are in other areas of life. His coming here also gave me a "be healthy and back on the mat by" date when recovering from my shoulder injury. I've never been so proactive about healing, and by gosh it worked. It took a little convincing to get my brain to realize that rolling would be OK again (you can read my earlier post on that process), but I did it, pounding heart and all.

Our own Dave Goldberg Sensei, who's August Aikido In Focus workshop, "Relax, it's Aikido," had me giggling with the fun and joy of it all, and days later awash in tears as I realized how much I had been guarding myself against feeling, in my body and my heart, for a very long time.

This past weekend was a three-day retreat in the local mountains with our Dave Goldberg Sensei and guest instructor Kayla Feder Sensei. Again, whole new ways of experiencing Aikido, of thinking about (or not thinking about) technique, and applying Aikido for the advancement of humanity. A side benefit of the Retreat was that it provided a reason to pick up my guitar again, which I did with far less frustration and more success than I expected.

In preparing for this test I have been working several times a week with my mentor, Scott, a senior (in rank) student who is a wonderful teacher, endlessly patient, enormously capable, and always kind and compassionate. I've learned as much about teaching as about technique, and I hope I can put some of that to good use if I have the opportunity to mentor a kohai someday.

I could not strive for rigor and mindfulness on the mat while letting other aspects of life go to pieces. I set some small goals at the beginning, and met them all. My car, which was always littered with fast food wrappers, empty water bottles, and hay, has been clean for months. I decided to stop fumbling in hurried frustration every day with a simple gate latch in my electric fence, and set my mind to opening and closing it fluidly on the first try. I typically run late for everything, but have not been late to a single class, or arrived unprepared. As I reach this first milestone on the path I'm considering what goals to set for the next leg of the journey. Some of them will involve horseback riding, which I set aside while initially immersing myself in Aikido. I will be seeking a balance between Aikido and dressage (essentially an equestrian martial art) in the coming months.

Honestly, I found Aikido of San Diego in the usual pedestrian way on the web. The location and schedule were convenient. I liked everything I saw and read, and was impressed with attitude of the people I met when I observed a class. So I signed up. I expected a decent school with solid instruction. I hit gold.

If this is how it goes getting to this point, I can hardly imagine what might lie ahead.]]></body>
	<date>09-18-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3617">
	<title><![CDATA[Test Prep, and Aikido Retreat]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I'm too tired to be eloquent this evening. :p

I've been working with my mentor, a senior student at the dojo, preparing for my upcoming (9/19) 6th kyu test. It never ceases to amaze me how perceptive a good teacher can be. Working with him has done my Aikido a world of good. Only 2 more sessions with him before the test. I'm nervous/excited, but not panic-stricken. Feeling pretty good about it.  :) 

This weekend (Fri-Sun) is our dojo's [URL="http://www.aikidosd.com/camp.htm"]annual fall Aikido Retreat[/URL]. 3 days of training and other fun in the local mountains. This will be the first I've gone to (I only started in May of this year). The guest instructor will be Kayla Feder Sensei, and of course our own Dave Goldberg Sensei. There's no matted area, so no rolling. Lots of weapons work, and non-falling Aikido. I have it on good authority that it's going to be a blast, and I'm really looking forward to it. :D 

Time to stop packing and start sleeping...
Linda]]></body>
	<date>09-11-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3606">
	<title><![CDATA[Studying]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[With 20 days to my first-ever (6 kyu) grading exam I've started cramming stuff into my brain, and into muscle memory. 

Several months ago I copied all the requirements (for all tests through shodan) from [URL="http://www.aikidosd.com/exams.htm"]the exam preparation page on the Aikido of San Diego web site[/URL], and pasted them into Google Docs spreadsheet. As I learn them I can make notes, and then review from time to time. Using Google Docs lets me access it from anywhere, including my iPhone when I have a spare moment.

Here's what I have to know, plus real basic-basics like etiquette & how to stand in hanmi. (Formatting/punctuation is my own. Not standard, but clearer to me.):

[B]6 Kyu Exam Content[/B]

Ukemi: Forward roll
Ukemi: Back roll
Katate-dori: tai no henko, 
Katate-dori: shihonage, omote
Katate-dori: shihonage, ura
Shomen-uchi: tenkan
Shomen-uchi: irimi
Shomen-uchi: Ikkyo, omote
Shomen-uchi: Ikkyo, ura
Jiyuwaza: grabs 
Suwariwaza: kokyu dosa

I have a paragraph or two of notes on each, from big "what is this" info to little tips on the finer points of execution. Sometimes just having a few key words is a huge help. "The zig-zag one, where you end with their arm pinned flat to the floor" (katete-dori shihonage omote), or "the one where you disappear behind Uke" (...ura), or the way-more-fun-sounding-than-it-really-is "smooshing a pie in Uke's face," (suwariwaza kokyu dosa).

Now that I have the info down, I can sort of drill myself on it, mentally, and use visualization to practice each technique a few hundred times in my mind. Before last week I was uncertain about enough points that I didn't dare work on memorization or visualization for fear of ingraining the wrong thing.

I'm comfortable that I at least know what all the techniques are, if I were to hear the names called out, and can go through the motions of each. Now I need to get the names down flat, so I'll still know what they are even under pressure :p and try to get a little finesse and flow in the execution of each. 

6 training/mentoring days to go, and a 3-day Retreat. Acck! :eek: 

I'm also working on cardio & breathing, so I don't get so winded I can't see straight during jiyuwaza. I don't know if Sensei sets students up in class so we get a direct and vivid understanding of our weakest points, ;)  but last Tuesday's class pointed out that I need to deal with high-level, short-burst work more than I have been. 

It's gonna be a fun few weeks... :D]]></body>
	<date>08-31-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3600">
	<title><![CDATA[Picking up the pace]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[This has been an intense couple of weeks. I've been at the dojo more often, have a mentor for my 6 kyu test, and I've been turned loose by my personal trainer with a set of core and shoulder exercises to do for the next few months. I'll be doing a weekend retreat in the mountains with the dojo in September - mostly weapons - and am really looking forward to that.

Through it all, I am determined to not only not neglect the other aspects of my life (home, critters, & work), but to do my best to complete projects, catch up on chores, and spend time with the beasties. It wouldn't be budo, you know, to let the rest of life fall apart. So far, so good.

I trained on Friday and Saturday, and then did a seminar on Sunday. The seminar was incredible. Not only was it plain fun and engaging, but it was the kind of experience that opens a crack in one's way of being, letting light shine on many things not directly addressed during those two hours. It's still sinking in, and will be for a long time. It's hard to put into words. I tend to think in images, and the image for this one is of hands lifting a little fish out of a tide pool and releasing it into the sea.

I'll be training 3 days a week for a couple of weeks (a lot for me), and working with my mentor after each class. I need to be spending a lot more time on the elliptical trainer, too, and remembering to breathe during jiyuwaza. I get way too winded.

I got called up for a demo for the first time today (figures it would be jiyuwaza :eek: ). Of course, the point of the demo was how to work with a lower level person without killing them. :p But still...

I did a few things passably well in the seminar, too, and there were no times when I was overwhelmed and lost. Occasional glimmers of low-level competence... :D Heck, I'll take em.

It's like doing a 50,000 piece puzzle, and getting a few pieces around one corner together. I can tell there's a picture in here somewhere. :)  "Oh look, leaves!"]]></body>
	<date>08-26-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3599">
	<title><![CDATA[Testing for 6th Kyu]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I have been fairly comfortably going along, slowly, as an Aikido newbie. Working diligently and mindfully, but in no hurry. Plodding. No deadlines. Well, I recently passed our association's minimum of 20 training days to test for the lowest rank, 6th Kyu. So I've been glancing with some trepidation at the dojo whiteboard, where names are posted of those who will be testing. Our next tests are on September 19th. I never thought I'd be in that batch. I thought maybe November (we have tests every 2 months, I believe). But I kept checking the board, just in case. 

On Thursday I stopped by the dojo, just to drop something off, and a friend in the class turned and pointed at the board:
[URL="http://www.twitpic.com/eny66"]http://www.twitpic.com/eny66[/URL]

I'm about as calm and even-tempered as a person could be, but I was really stunned/delighted. :D  I actually ran to my car, grabbed my iPhone, and tweeted a photo of the board. (Yes, I am a geek. It even says so on my license plate. :p )

Here's what I said on Facebook, and I stand by it:
[I]"I am here to tell you that the thoughts "It's not *that* big a deal, and nobody expects you to be perfect at this level," and "Squeeee!!! OMG, OMG, OMG!!!" Can coexist perfectly well in one mind."[/I]

It's the damnedest thing. My (very) rational mind knows that everyone who shows up long enough, and who can roll without killing themselves, tests for 6th Kyu. It's like "graduating" from kindergarten. What's interesting though, in the "watching my mind blabbering on" sense, is that I am really excited about it. Giddy. Honored. Kind of silly, but there it is.

I guess it's been a very long road even getting to this point (including some challenges well before I ever set foot in the dojo). It feels just like I've been preparing for a wilderness adventure. I've heard stories and read books, learned some basics, gathered my equipment and supplies, gotten myself to base camp, met some of my fellow adventurers, and set up my tent. Now I've been casually invited to join up with the group at the trailhead in the morning. 

I'm excited about what lies ahead, and determined to be up to it.]]></body>
	<date>08-22-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3593">
	<title><![CDATA[Skipping Class, Missing Class]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[A quick one today... 

Yesterday I skipped participating in class, in favor of getting some video (potentially for the dojo's Web site). It was our new shodan's last day training with us (he's off to college), and the light was beautiful. Sensei led the class through a lot of techniques. Also I was really tired (little sleep) and dizzy (vertigo acting up), so I kind "didn't feel like" working very hard anyway. So it was a great opportunity to do the video, and it was fun doing that, but dang... I really miss having participated! In a sort of visceral "missing someone" sense. I've felt kind of off-balance since then.

Interesting how much Aikido becomes part of us (and how quickly).]]></body>
	<date>08-19-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3590">
	<title><![CDATA[A Whole Lot of Things]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to put together a coherent set of ideas for a post. So once again, here are some random bits:

[B]Still digesting everything Nadeau Sensei said[/B] when he was here for a seminar. One way he suggests looking at things is that you (your body, hips, and hara) are "the vaccuum cleaner" and the techniques (what your arms and hands are doing) are just attachments. It's the horsepower/amperage that make the machine powerful, not which kind of brush you snap onto the hose.

I'm [B]beginning to see some of the layers of the onion that Aikido is[/B]. One that seems to keep coming up in the past couple of weeks is misdirection, as in magic. Using atemi to draw uke's focus, appearing to be rooted on the line of attack while actually preparing to rotate off of it, etc. Playing with people's perceptions is fascinating stuff.

I've discovered that, in spite of trying to stay relaxed, [B]I'm doing something during bokken work that's really hurting my neck muscles[/B] - the little ones on the front and sides. I think it's a combination of weakness there, and of using the wrong muscles to compensate for others that are weak. So I have some new strengthening and stretching exercises to do.

[B]On of my favorite sempai, Johnathon Purcell, tested for shodan yesterday. [/B]Here is slo-mo video of his first throw in his new hakama:
[URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEShoS3CzIg&fmt=18"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEShoS3CzIg&fmt=18[/URL] 
He started at Aikido of San Diego when he was 11 years old. He's off to college at UC Berkeley on Wednesday. He's a perceptive and thoughtful student and teacher, kind and highly competent. I've been very fortunate to train with him since I started practicing Aikido in May. I and our whole dojo are going to miss him something awful. If you're up that way, perhaps he'll turn up at your dojo. 

I've been [B]slowly losing weight and getting into better shape[/B]. In part that's because of actual Aikido practice, but also because of all the other work I'm doing so that I can do the Aikido practice better, and without hurting myself.

I've been reading books and watching DVDs like there's no tomorrow. I've been really enjoying [B]George Ledyard Sensei's 3 DVD set on Entries[/B]. Frankly, I was initially very interested to see how someone could fill 3 DVDs with "just" irimi. :p  It's great material. clearly presented. Ledyard Sensei is a great teacher and really very funny sometimes. I also got the Ukemi DVD by Ellis Amdur. I've only watched a bit of it so far - planning to watch the whole thing this evening.

[B]Classes have been a lot of fun, and we've been doing some interesting exercises[/B], like discovering where your balance-breaking point actually is, and what you can do to recover and continue once you've hit it. I'm still exploring (as I expect I may be for years) my propensity to mentally seize up when I'm overwhelmed. I've been doing less of that lately, but only because I haven't been overwhelmed. ;) 

My Sensei (Dave Goldberg Sensei, at Aikido of San Diego) does a 2-hour workshop every couple of months, on a Sunday. I couldn't do the last one because my shoulder was still a mess, but I'm looking forward to the next one, "[B]Relax, it's Aikido - Discovering and developing deeper relaxation with integrity for better results[/B]," on the 23rd.

Also coming up, in September, [B]our dojo's annual Aikido retreat: http://www.aikidosd.com/camp.htm[/B]. It's held in the Cuyamaca Mountains (east of San Diego). Everyone who's gone before is very excited about doing it again. I'm signed up, and now wrestling with the decision to camp in my tent (private, quiet, comfortable...) or in one of the shared yurts (fun, up half the night, bonding...). 

Off to groom the critters and clean their pen. Picking up manure has got to be good jo practice, right? ;)]]></body>
	<date>08-16-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3576">
	<title><![CDATA[Tripping over my own brain]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[[[I]The sidebar on the AikiWeb forums shortened the title of my post from "Tripping over my own BRAIN" to: "Tripping over my own bra..." :p  That would be a hilarious post, but this one is about my brain. Not nearly so funny. Maybe next time...][/I]

First, the seminar with Nadeau Sensei was great. Enlightening, engaging, educational, and very entertaining. :D  More on that another time. 

Right now tonight's class (training day 16), or rather [I]how I did in tonight's class[/I], is the subject. Poorly would be a kind word for it. I couldn't get anything right for the life of me. :(  Things I've done OK before, I got backwards, inside out, and upside down. Things I finally did right just a second ago, were wrong all over again now. 

It was like I couldn't grasp what I was seeing or being told. I would swear the inside leg swept backward, but when I'd get to that point in the technique, my inside leg [I]was already back[/I], and what I thought I knew to do next didn't make any sense at all. :mad:  So then what do you do? :confused: 

And when you don't do it right the first n times, the n+1th time isn't any better. It feels like rushing through learning a song. When you learn to play or sing a song, you have to learn what's going to be coming next at each point. If you get to a point in the tune, and have to stop and check every time to see what follows, you never learn the tune. You learn to stop and check. You have to be able to think, [I]during the line [/I]about the tree, that [I]the next line [/I]is the one about a hawk, so you can continue right into that line.

Maybe the feeling I get in class is more like learning a song in front of an audience. Or trying to do a math problem in front of the class, when you have only the vaguest idea of how to go about it. "Panic" isn't the right word. That suggests a sense of frenzied action. What I experience is more like freezing up. "Brain cramp" perhaps? 

Whatever it is, I've experienced it before in other areas (including flying, and horseback riding). Freezing up, not acting, failing to even perceive... I don't like it, and it's one of the things I had hoped to address when I chose to practice Aikido: [B]learn to relax, breathe, focus, and act deliberately, in the face of overwhelming stimuli.[/B] I just didn't expect to run face-first into it doing simple techniques in a beginning class. I figured maybe some far-off day, doing randori or something.

It's hard to imagine being overfaced by something so simple, in such a supportive environment. There is no critical audience, pointing and laughing. Of course I [I]want [/I]to get it right... I think that's normal - and how we are driven to improve. But where does this sort of terror come from?

George Leonard says to be grateful for the hit. We can learn a lot from the times life smacks us a good one. Well, I did say I wanted to work on this problem, and Aikido is the lab in which I chose to do it. Here's a heaping batch of just what I needed. Goody. :rolleyes:]]></body>
	<date>07-29-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3575">
	<title><![CDATA[Getting to the Nadeau Seminar]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I will be participating in a seminar this weekend - "Aikido as an Art of Harmony" with Robert Nadeau Shihan, at Aikido of San Diego (www.aikidosd.com). Not a huge deal, but from the "Aikido as a laboratory for life" perspective, it's a big deal for me. Having a goal with a deadline tends to focus one's attention and efforts far better than simply "getting better at this, someday" would.

Before I ever stepped onto a mat I did a lot of reading and learning while healing from a minor hand injury. Once I was OK to do physical stuff I found a dojo. Then I spent several weeks recovering from the Very Long Cold From Hell. I finally started training in May. I expected a lot from Aikido, and it's proving to be much more than that, even.

I've gotten through a few muscle injuries, a shoulder injury, and the stunning realizations that a) I was in no kind of good shape At All, and b) I really can be, if I just work at it. I've done PT, gotten massages (not the happy fun kind), and started working with a personal trainer to set up a personalized workout plan. I've made progress in leaps and bounds, compared to what I'd previous thought I could achieve.

One of my short-term goals has been to be in good enough shape to participate in this weekend's seminar. I have been rolling and falling in Aikido classes, with no problems. I've been very careful not to injure/reinjure myself, and have been doing everything I can to heal well, and quickly. Since getting back on the mat. I've been doubling up on classes so the two two-hour sessions on Saturday don't kill me. Last night I even dumped my 24 manure cans into the dumpster (requires lifting each one - twice), and lived to tell. Yesterday was my 4-week follow-up with my PT. He "couldn't be any happier with my shoulder," and I have his blessings to do the seminar.

My gi is washed, bottles of water are set out, camera is charged... :-)

It's amazing how much one can learn from a seminar before even showing up.

Linda]]></body>
	<date>07-24-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3547">
	<title><![CDATA[Getting Fit for Aikido]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I am going for my first consultation with a personal trainer tomorrow. [URL="http://www.fitnesswithoutwalls.com"]www.fitnesswithoutwalls.com [/URL]She's going to help me come up with a "real world" workout program I can do on my own. The goal is to be in better shape for Aikido and horseback riding (and everything else, generally), and to prevent injuries by making sure I'm doing things correctly.

I've set up a kind of blog-thing about that, with photos of places and equipment I have for working out, my goals, etc. If you're interested, you can find it here: [URL="http://fitforfun.tumblr.com"]http://fitforfun.tumblr.com[/URL]/ 

I'll keep right on blogging here about Aikido, of course. :)]]></body>
	<date>07-13-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3546">
	<title><![CDATA[Triumph over The Brain]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Classes 9 & 10, Tuesday and tonight (Thursday). 

Boy, what a contrast... If you've been keeping up (not that I would expect anyone to), you know that I injured my shoulder a while back. Through the miracle of PT, massage, ice, exercise, rest, ice, stretching, ice, and time, it is better. :D I got the OK on Monday of last week to go back to rolling/falling, with the admonition to not land on the top of my shoulder ever again. 

Last Tuesday my brain was not ready to roll at all. I couldn't even picture what a decent roll would look like. Stupid brain. :mad:  

So this Tuesday I figure I'd manage to start back to rolling, which I was doing reasonably well before my injury (thank goodness for that, so I had some good mental point of reference). Alas, Tuesday's class comes around, and I really couldn't bring myself to get to do it. I also couldn't seem to do anything else right in class. Very frustrating. And everyone I worked with was trying to be very helpful. And usually they [I]are [/I]helpful. (I'm regularly amazed at how good everyone is at teaching, even 6th/5th kyu people.) But on Tuesday I couldn't make heads nor tails of many of the techniques, so repeating them was just annoying, because I was repeating the wrong thing, or doing it differently each time. :grr: I was so disappointed with myself that I went home and by gosh practiced re-learning how to roll (very gently and slowly) in the living room floor. 

That finally seemed to remind my brain a little that "See, we do so know how to do this!" :cool: I ended on a good note, and let that sink in for a couple of days.

So today I got to do another class (I'm on vacation this week). I got there 45 minutes early, and very slowly started working on rolling. Like, from on your hand and knees, sliding your hand under and behind, until you just tip over. Easy peasy, right?

It's amazing what our brains can do to us after a "life threatening" experience. When I was a kid I was fearless on horseback. (Still am, pretty much.) You know the deal about getting back on the horse? Well it's true. I used to come off all the time. No biggie. But one day I tumbled off right near the gate to the pen, at the end of the day. I wasn't hurt at all, and it wasn't traumatic or scary. I was probably laughing. But I didn't get back on. Didn't think anything of it. I just turned the horse loose and went home. The next time I came out to ride I caught the horse, groomed her, and never even thought about that "fall." But when it came time to get on, I was shaking. Thankfully, I am too stubborn to give that input much weight, but it's interesting (and unsettling). Our brains don't take kindly to repeating situations where we "almost got ourselves killed."

That same thing happened to me tonight. I had a huge area to myself, with all the time in the world, and was feeling great. I'd do a simple, easy, slow roll, and my heart would be pounding. I'd stop and sit, and let myself feel happy for having done it right, and notice that I wasn't hurt, and visualize myself doing it again, correctly. And then I'd do it again. More heart-pounding. "Thank you for sharing, Brain. Let's go..."  And then from squatting down, but on my feet... Have you ever jumped off the start of a zipline? You know you're safe, you know it'll be fun, but your brain is panicking? Yeah, like that. Walked around and shook it off, breathed, walked, squatted down and rolled. Got up, walked and breathed. And rolled again. Each time I'd wait until I was as relaxed as I could get, and just let myself tumble into a roll. And let myself experience that I did it, and that I was fine. :)  Brain started to let my heart slow down a little. ;) 

Sensei reminded me that there is no rush. Maybe I should replace the "Patience My A**" sign on my office door with "There is no rush." Great reminder, and one I need regularly.

And then class started. I'd never been to the Thursday night class, but whatever. They're all Aikido classes, right? Uh... If I'd paid attention to what it [I]said [/I]on the schedule, and not just the time, I might've noticed that it was a weapons class. :p  I've been meaning to try that, but yikes... "Everybody go grab a jo." What? Acck! OK... LOL It went really well. All the helpful people were magically helpful once again. ;)  I ended with doing techniques better than when I started, and was not confused about them (not [I]good [/I]at them, but at least I understood what the heck I was trying to do). I even managed to very comfortably and confidently roll out of some jo techniques.

Aikido is fun again.]]></body>
	<date>07-10-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3542">
	<title><![CDATA[Darned brain...]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Class 8, I believe, was last Tuesday evening. 

I've been a bit slow putting together enough connected thoughts about it to make a proper blog post. Now I'm just giving up and blurting out some unconnected things. :p 

First, I got a surprise at my PT appt on Monday. My PT was very happy, told me to cancel my upcoming appointment, and gave me the go-ahead to roll, fall, and whatever else I want to do. "But if you land on that shoulder again, don't come crying to me." 

Class was on Tuesday. I figured it would be best to start with rolling practice (solo only, I mean), and just do back rocking-falls (not all the way over) as uke. I wasn't quite confident enough to do forward rolls out of techniques. That seemed like a conservative and rational plan.

Strange though, how our brains are not rational. I say "easy, soft rolls that I was doing quite happily and with confidence before I got injured, so no problem." Brain, on the other hand, says "Uh, no way. We're gonna die." So I was thinking too much, and being too cautious and tense, and nothing worked well (except the sitting-backwards-and-rocking-back kinds of falls). I couldn't do a simple slow back roll to save my life. Have you seen that Garfield (the cat) cartoon where John (the owner) asks Garfield how he manages all 4 feet when he walks, and Garfield gets to thinking about it, and then can't walk because he's so confused? It felt like that. :o 

Well, OK, I did *one* back roll very nicely after class, but when I tried to do it again, it was gone. I rolled on my spine, and thunked my head on the mat, and rolled with my shoulders stiff. The more I tried to get it right, the more I got it wrong. No injuries - I didn't do any damage - but my brain got to say "See, I was right! I told you it was going to hurt." This could be an interesting downward spiral if I don't get it stopped, pronto.

I didn't do much better with anything else in class, either. Thank goodness there were a few brand new students, so we went slowly over some really simple stuff. Over, and over, and over. Which I really needed. There were a couple of things that finally started to click. 

Strangely, I could not grasp irimi. The simplest thing ever. I kept stepping too far, turning too much, turning the wrong way. I wonder if we get any better at learning as we age? Something got me thinking this morning about learning to write letters as a little kid. Do you remember doing drills, following examples, tracing letters, and practicing, practicing, practicing? One would think you could hear "Look, it's like a pointy teepee, with a bar across the middle," and that would be it. But it took ages, and it wasn't easy. Aikido feels like that. A lot of it is simple, but for some reason it's hard to remember "oh yeah, I step *this* way..." 

Another thing this class pointed out (strongly) is that I'm pathetically out of shape aerobically-speaking. We did the same throw many times near the end of class, in a pretty good rhythm. I grab left, I go down, I grab right, I go down, you grab left, I throw you, you grab right I throw you, repeat. That was great, because it finally started to really flow, without thinking. :D But dangit I need to spend a lot more time on the elliptical trainer.

Speaking of which, I asked my PT about setting up an ongoing exercise program I can do at home (correctly), for strength and flexibilty, so my muscles are supporting my joints, so I can hold myself in proper posture for more than 2 minutes, etc. He referred me to a trainer who is a PT herself (and so won't have me doing stupid things that will just get me injured). I've got two sessions with her the week after next. Very excited about that.

Next week I'm off work, so I might get to do a few extra classes. I'm hoping I can convince my brain that it can shut up and just let the body relax and roll. "Thank you for sharing, brain. You can sit down now." :rolleyes:]]></body>
	<date>07-04-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3536">
	<title><![CDATA[Back on the mat!]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[This was class #7, I believe. :) 

I had been figuring (based on what my PT had said a couple of weeks ago) that I'd be out for a few more weeks yet. But yesterday both he and my orthopedic Doc put me through the ringer with exercises and x-rays, and both agreed I was doing great, and could go back to class. No rolling or falling yet, but anything else that doesn't hurt is fair game. I even showed Doc a video (on my iPod) from my dojo, to be sure he understood what Aikido was. He thought I was nuts to want to do that (he's hilarious), but didn't think my shoulder would be in danger. :D :D :D 

I tried some gentle warm-ups from class at home last night, as a sanity check, and that went well. So tonight I joined in, instead of just watching. 

I kinda figured I would make it partway through (a 90-minute class), and would start to get sore/ouchy, but noooo.... I did fine. Everyone was very considerate in their techniques, and really nothing hurt at all. I'm just giddy. :p 

The exercises I've been able to do (both strengthening, and mental/awareness kind of things) have made a huge difference.[I] (Many thanks to everyone who suggested things to do, and cautioned me about things to not do, in response to a question I asked on the Forums this past week!) [/I]I don't feel any of the muscle pain I did in the first few classes, and felt more stable and solid during class.

I was especially encouraged right from the start (during a pre-class 15-minute meditation period), when my right knee did not hurt. It was chonically stiff. Seiza hurt, and sitting cross-legged hurt more. I've been doing lots of warming up, stretching, and massage, and it's been getting better. Tonight, not even a twinge.

There were even a few moments when I felt glimmers of competency. I'm still a tangle of arms and legs, all going in the wrong directions (bless Sensei's patient heart, and my fellow students), but every now and then I got them a little bit organized and did the right thing, more or less.

I'm not letting up on the ice packs, exercises, stretches, or PT, but meanwhile, I'm very encouraged, and looking forward to next Tuesday. 
Linda]]></body>
	<date>06-24-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3528">
	<title><![CDATA[Fun class, pleasant evening]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I am observing classes for another few weeks. My shoulder is feeling quite good now (yay!). I just need to let it heal completely, and strengthen/stabilize the joint to help prevent future injuries. So I'm still benched, and doing what my PT says I must. It's easy to see now that it will be fine before long. :)

The class tonight was taught by one of the yudansha, as Sensei is out of town for the week. There was a lot of the same patient instruction, with complex techniques being built step-by-step of their component parts. And like Sensei, and the other teachers I've seen, this teacher has a mischievous and kind sense of humor. A few parts of the class were different from what I've seen before...

There was some jo work (which I had not seen yet at all). They went through a couple of techniques, and then did some interesting exercises in avoiding a very slow-moving jo by just changing body position (keeping feet mostly still). Imagine if the TSA were waving a metal-detecting wand all over you, but you were afraid it would tickle if it were to touch you (my visualization, not the instruction to the class).

Then there were some techniques that a 1st or 2nd kyu had requested, since she will be tested on them soon. The class started from very slow walk-throughs, and ended with very competent, quite fast techniques. I'm sure I won't remember how to do them, but I saw individual parts (certain movements and postures) that I can work on at home.

At the end of the class they played several games, including a kind of keep-away to build rondori skills (moving around the mat with attackers in pursuit) without being concerned with actual attacks or techniques.

One would think I'd be used to it by now, but it still surprises (and delights) me to see the amount of play and fun and laughter that surrounds Aikido. There are serious aspects, of course, but everyone generally comes away feeling happy and confident, [B][I]and [/I][/B]having improved their skills.

Looking forward to getting back at it.
Linda

p.s. Aikido involves a lot of training of one's spell checker. ;)  Mine just tried to correct "yudansha" to "unshapely", and "kyu" to "yucky".]]></body>
	<date>06-16-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3524">
	<title><![CDATA[Training Diary, 2009-06-14]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Training Diary - You might want to skip this... ;) 

One of the things I want to do with this blog, for my own reference, is to keep track of my training, challenges, goals, etc. I'll title these "Training Diary, YYYY-MM-DD" so they will be easy to ignore if you want to. :) I don't know yet where the blog Categories appear, but I'll put them all under my "Training Diary" category.

This is another "getting caught up" post (from a little notebook I've kept), since I'm several weeks in already. Future "Training Diary" posts will cover about one class or one week at a time.

[B]Physical Info - Starting Point[/B]

Health: Coming off 2 weeks or a horrendous cold. Feeling better.
Weight: 189 lbs., goal of 160 lbs. (And then "We'll see.")
Fitness: Sedentary work, semi-active fun (cleaning horse pen, gardening...). Few PT exercises for shoulder. No working out or stretching for many years.
Vertigo: Much better over past couple of months. Encouraged, but concerned that rolling and breakfalls could set it off again.

[B]Activities[/B]

[I]Tuesday evening, May 5, 2009[/I]
Class #1
Really fun, awesome people, great time, very excited about Aikido.
Very sore, tired quads later. Did lots of walking and stretching.

Started walking around park several times during the day at work.

[I]Saturday morning, May 9, 2009[/I]
Class #2
An hour before class something "went out" a little in my hip. Figured it would loosen up with work. Ha! Wrong. On very first attempt at rolling hip went into spasm.
Limped through class. (Too stubborn to bow out.)
Did lots of walking and stretching for several days. Probably piriformis muscle. Learned trigger point technique using foam roller, which helped. 

[I]Tuesday evening, May 12, 2009[/I]
Class #3
Very comfortable. Feeling good. Halfway competent at where to stand, what to do...

[I]Wednesday evening, May 13, 2009[/I]
Class #4
Forward rolls from standing/walking. Great fun. Lots of work on breathing, centering, flowing... Quiet blending exercises - nothing I had envisioned doing in a "martial art" - very cool!
Right at end of class landed hard on right shoulder.

[I]Between classes[/I]
Major pain. Several days of Really Bad Muscle Spasms in shoulder. Lots of intensive work with icing, heat, and trigger points. 

Breathing and centering exercises from class are tremendous for pain control. Open posture and attitude (?) reduce pain & discouragement, while closed posture and focusing on self make everything notably worse. Lots and lots of stopping, centering, breathing in the universe, focusing outward, extending.

[I]Saturday, May 16, 2009[/I]
Observed class and tests! Dojo picnic at Santee lakes.
Lucky timing, that I should have the chance to meet so many people so soon.

[I]Between classes[/I]
Shoulder much better, but not enough, by Monday. Off to Orthopedic guy who had done earlier bone spur removal surgery on that shoulder. Dx: Minor separation of the AC joint. Rest, ice, activity as tolerated. No Aikido. Next check in 2 weeks.

[I]Tuesday evening, May 19, 2009[/I]
Observed class
Paid especially close attention to things I could do on my own, trying to be sure I understand them well enough to practice the right thing: Stretches, breathing, warm-up exercises, hanmi. Walking, grounding, aligning, settling. Many notes on names of techniques, and elements to remember.

[I]Between classes[/I]
Holistic Health Practicioner (HHP) back from vacation. 90-minute massage. Many knots undone, bless her very skilled heart and hands.

[I]Tuesday evening, May 26, 2009[/I]
Observed class
Similar notes and observations. Watching classes is time well-spent, but very much like "watching all the other kids play in the pool." Very frustrating.

[I]Saturday morning, May 30, 2009[/I]
Observed weapons class and open-hand class
Brought two friends who have been thinking about studying Aikido. One, Sue, with whom I used to work, and had not seen in years, and a new friend, Edgar, from Twitter who I was just meeting for the first time.
Had not really considered weapons work, but am now thinking it would be a very good idea to be doing this too.

[I]Between classes[/I]
To Doc for shoulder check on Monday. Happy with progress. OK to do classes, but no falling or rolling. Yay! Next check in 3 weeks.

[I]Tuesday, June 2, 2009[/I]
Class #5
Back on the mat! Was able to do quite a lot. Finally remembered to say "onegai shimasu" at the right time. Progress! Sensei very kind about alerting me to upcoming techniques I would not be able to do. Some ouchy experiences, but mostly good. 

[I]Between classes[/I]
Still icing shoulder 3-5x/day. Some heat, too.
90-minute massage with HHP. Many more nasty knots.
On Monday not happy with progress. Feeling worse, not better. Other shoulder starting to hurt almost as bad. Made PT appt.

[I]Tuesday, June 9, 2009[/I]
Class #6
Participated, but a bit more cautiously. Could not lift hands over head without pain. Sat out about half the class. Should've just observed.

[I]Between classes[/I]
PT appt. Turns out there's also an injury to the brachial plexus - a bunch of nerves. Numbness & tingling in fingers. Not a good thing. I am not to do anything that causes any pain in shoulders. Now 2x/week PT for 4 weeks. Must get injured tendon calmed down so it does not irritate nerve. Benched for at least 4 more weeks, if I'm lucky, and then will have to be careful to not reinjure shoulder.

[B]Physical Info - Current[/B]

Health: Felt like cold was coming back. Doc says allergies. Treating that, and feeling 80% better.
Weight: 181 lbs. Down 8 lbs. Goal of 160 lbs.
Fitness: Walking breaks at work. Taking stairs. Lots of stretching & exercises on my own (stepping on/off straw bale 20 reps, 2x/day).
Vertigo: No problems so far w/rolling or falls. Survived 4-hour sailing adventure, even.


Finally - up to date. Whew. Hmm... I was thinking I had done 7 classes, but it's only 6.]]></body>
	<date>06-14-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3523">
	<title><![CDATA[For Tara, about ways of learning]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[[I]This is a reply to Tara Marsh's blog post, but was WAY over the max length for a reply. Please see her post at http://www.aikiweb.com/blogs/trademark8806s-blog-17256/odd-question-3520/, and please post replies to her there.[/I]

Hi Tara,

It's nice to see another new blogger here. I just started mine few days ago. My apologies for the [B][I]very long [/I][/B]reply. I hope some of it is useful.

We all learn at different speeds, and in different ways. We are supposed to be doing our best, but beyond that there's no set amount of progress that can be expected of anyone. People who have studied Aikido for many years still feel that they haven't mastered many things. You're very new at Aikido (as am I - I started in May). Keep looking for the best ways to learn and retain information and techniques, but don't be too hard on yourself.

Have you talked to Sensei, and explained how you learn best? It can be frustrating for a teacher to try everything they can think of to "reach" a student, and still see the student struggling. It may look like you aren't giving it your best, to someone who doesn't understand the way you need to learn things. 

I hear the name of one technique in class, and try to remember it, but when I hear the name of the next technique, the first one escapes me. I find it very hard to learn words and facts just by listening. If I don't take notes in classes, I won't be able to recall much of it at all. It's like having to organize the information enough to write it down (outlined, bulleted, mind-mapped, whatever) helps me remember it. When I remember it, I don't recall hearing it, I recall writing it - where it was on the page, or in an outline hierarchy.

At my dojo we are given a list of Japanese words that we will be hearing. This was a huge help, but just "studying" the list didn't help me. It was in alphabetical order. What helped me to remember better was to rewrite the list with the words grouped together by meaning. So words about teachers and students all go together: Sensei, Shihan, Sempai, Kohai, and Deshi, for instance. 

I work on remembering them in the same way I work on remembering song lyrics - I get a few in my head (like counting to 5: ichi, ni, san, yon, go), and then repeat those over and over while I'm doing other things, like cleaning the horse pen or getting dressed for work. Don't try too many at once - maybe even just 2, like Uke and Nage. 

Has anyone helped you with the pronunciation? Japanese could be easier for you than English, because (when it's written in Roman letters) each letter has one sound, and only one sound. It's not like English where the letter "i" might have several different sounds. Maybe someone at your dojo would be willing to spend a few minutes after each class working on a few words (not too many!)

Asperger's, as I understand it, can make it difficult to figure out social rules, but once you know them, following them is easy, Right? The social rules in martial arts can be very consistent, but sometimes hard to figure out by observing subtle cues alone. I think I made a stupid mistake in a recent class, and I didn't figure it out until a few days later. I thought someone was just "being moody" but realized that maybe I had been disrespectful, and was getting a kind of cold shoulder to clue me in that what I'd done was not OK. (I'm not good at subtle hints...) It might help if someone could directly tell you all the things that are expected. Once you know them, it should be (I think, if I understand Asperger's) pretty easy to follow the rules.

Some resources that have been a huge help for me:

#1: A book about all the things in a dojo, and about the etiquette expected there: "In the Dojo - A Guide to the Rituals and Etiquette of the Japanese Martial Arts" by Dave Lowry. This could be a good starting point for you to understand the social rules. It's a very interesting book to read.

(By the way, there's another book you might enjoy about regular social rules: "The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism" by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron.) 

#2: A computer program that shows, in 3D motion-capture, a lot of the techniques we need to know. It's called Aikido3D. You can buy and download it immediately at www.aikido3D.com. It's about $55, but well worth it. Of course rely on your own Sensei for exactly how to do the techniques. What this program offers that might be a particular help to you (as it has been to me) is the ability to watch one technique over and over, from different points of view. You can listen to the explanation a hundred times in a row if you need to. There's written information and spoken, including the name, and how to execute the technique. You can watch from the front, top, and one other point of view. You can slow it down, go frame by frame, and really figure out "OK, when my hand is reaching for Uke's elbow, my feet are supposed to be this way." 

#3: Just go watch some classes. I have an injury, so I've been sitting out some classes, and just watching and taking notes. It's very valuable, and you can pay attention in a different way than if you are trying to do the techniques. You can also study the social interactions by observing. Ask your Sensei if you can just observe some classes.

That's probably enough rambling from me. :p Main points: Tell Sensei about your challenges, and ask for specific help you need. Find additional resources that support the way you learn. Go easy on yourself - you'll get there when you get there, there's no set schedule for learning.

Linda]]></body>
	<date>06-14-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3519">
	<title><![CDATA[Getting up to date]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[My first post was a bit of background. This one is a quick summary of my first few weeks of studying Aikido. The wide-angle view, for now. I'll elaborate on many of these details in future posts.

First, you will recall I was sidelined by a shoulder injury. I landed smack on the top of my right shoulder in my 5th class. I sat out classes for a few weeks, coming to watch and take notes. I've even brought a few friends who have been thinking of studying Aikido. Observing is a very valuable, if frustrating, experience. I highly recommend the watching and taking notes part, but you might prefer to do it without getting injured first.

My orthopedic doc thought I was healing well, and told me at the 3 week point to take it easy - no falling or rolling for several more weeks - but I could go back to class. Joy!

I took it easy, both in class (twice), and everywhere else, but it seemed to not be improving as much as I'd hope, and in fact things I could do OK last week were now more painful. I sat out probably 50% of Tuesday's class, and even at that I probably overdid it.

So off to physical therapy. Physical therapists are miracle workers, and I've worked with this one before. He's good, and I trust him. I figured I'd get some coaching on exercises I could do at home to help strengthen the right things, and avoid injuring the wrong things. Instead he found that the injury was worse than first thought. :uch: So now it's ultrasound, TENS unit type work, supervised [I]light [/I]exercises at his office, more ice, less independent exercise and activity and, you guessed it, no Aikido for at least a few more weeks, if things go well.  

I'll definitely be skipping an upcoming workshop that Sensei is giving later this month. (Rats!) Still hoping, hoping, hoping I'll be OK by late July to participate in a workshop with Robert Nadeau Shihan, who will be visiting our dojo. (See Events on www.aikidosd.com, if you're interested in participating in either workshop.)

Meanwhile, I've been doing what training I can - endurance, stretching and strengthening, and practicing (to the best of my understanding) moving from my center, using good posture, and so on, as I do normal daily things. 

I've read several books, with several more on deck, listened to podcasts over and over, read everything I can find online, and watched videos on YouTube. Last night I bought and downloaded the Aikido3D application, which looks very useful. And of course there's participating here and talking with aikidoka on Twitter (I'm @LindaEskin, if you're there).

Right now I'm feeling unbalanced. Not in a bad way, just uneven. Lots of book learning, including history, philosophy, teaching methods, experiences of others' study of Aikido, and plenty of general culture and humor. But I can hardly put together the names and rudimentary motions of even a few basic techniques, for lack of any consistent practice. I know that stuff will come with time...

I'm so grateful for all the encouragement I've gotten from fellow aikidoka, in person, online, and from writers I may never meet directly. This injury is a speed bump of sorts. It has forced me to slow down, observe, and think. I have a painted wooden sign, hanging by a charming gingham ribbon, on my office door, which says: PATIENCE MY A**.  (Except my sign isn't shy about spelling it out.) Maybe an early injury is the universe's dope slap to snap me out of that rushed attitude. Wake up, be careful, go slow, work for mastery not speed.

I am even more grateful to have found, in good part due to luck and convenience, an extraordinary school. Sensei and the other students are very patient and understanding, and all are good teachers. The facility is very nice - an oasis of sorts. More importantly, the depth and quality of what's available there is impressive. I'm sure I'm only able to see the tip of the iceberg from my perspective as an utter beginner, but the more I discover, the more fortunate I realize I am,.

Thank you for walking my path with me a little ways. I was going to say I'm not normally this long-winded, but maybe I am. :p  I'm sure there will be more long posts, and lots of short ones. We'll see.

Linda]]></body>
	<date>06-13-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3518">
	<title><![CDATA[Introduction, again]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[[I]I am reposting my introduction (from the Forums) here, with a few edits, just to have everything in one place. In the next post I will bring things up to date. 

After that this will be a more normal blog, with semi-regular training notes, random observations, and thoughts on Aikido, and applying it to horsemanship, riding, and everything else.

Please join me as I walk this path. :) [/I]

- - - - -
Greetings, and thank you for reading my introduction.

Some basic basics: I'm a 46 y/o woman in the San Diego area. Horseperson for fun. User experience analyst for a living. 30 lbs overweight. Sturdy and strong, but out of shape. Did a little Tang Soo Do in high school (through the 1st test). Loved it, but went off to college and left it behind.

I recently came to Aikido via a book by Mark Rashid, a gifted horse trainer and author. I had been aware of Aikido before, but his book "Horsemanship Through Life" is what prompted me to begin studying it. I was originally hoping to improve my balance, fitness, awareness, relaxation, and breathing, all of which apply nicely to working with and riding horses.

The universe has been making me work very hard to get started in Aikido! After I decided to check into studying it I hurt my hand. Weeks later got cleared to do stuff. Checked out a dojo, was very impressed, and promptly cought the Worst Cold Ever. 3 weeks later, on May 5th, 2009, feeling good but still unable to speak above a hoarse whisper, I started classes. 

Lesson one: Persistance. Rrrr...

I got off to a bit of a rough start, with some muscle spasms after my first class. (Tip, don't start with the longest class your dojo offers, esp. after weeks of being sick. Duh.) I got that cleared up with lots of gentle exercise and was back 4 days later, having a blast, and trying to slurp up information as fast as my brain could absorb it. Things went well for classes 2 and 3, and then in my 4th class I demonstrated some particularly horrid ukemi by landing smack on the top of my right shoulder. Much ice and pain later it seems I have a level 1 (minor) separation of the AC joint, so I'm down for a couple of weeks, at least. I can do whatever doesn't hurt, but am not to push it.

Lesson two: Humility. D'oh!

I am grateful to fellow AikiWeb citizens Mary Eastland, who posted about being annoyed with a broken wrist, and Darryl Bronson, who posted about having Aikido withdrawal after knee surgery. Aside from feeling less alone and sorry for myself, for being benched before the end of my 2nd week, I now have lots of ideas for productive ways to use the time. I will be continuing to go to class, watching, taking notes, and learning everything I can. As my shoulder improves I'll join in one-sided or somehow just work on those things I can do. I've had a shoulder problem before. With proper care and PT it healed fine. This will too.

Lesson three: Patience. Sigh...

Aikido in general, and my dojo in particular (Aikido of San Diego), felt like the right choices from the first moment, and everything since has confirmed that. Yes, the simple things I had hoped to address in my life and riding are there, but there's so much more depth to the art than I had considered. The more I learn, the more I find that Aikido applies to every aspect of living, in a way that harmonizes with my temperament. The people I've met through Aikido (both in the dojo, and online) have been universally smart, thoughtful, kind, patient, and a lot of fun. 

I am looking forward to a very long and interesting journey, and to getting to know people here. And I promise to try to not be so long-winded every time I post. 

[I][And later, from my comments in that introduction thread...][/I]

The similarities between Aikido and horsemanship are really stunning. I'm working (slowly) toward doing dressage, which is basically a martial art in which harmony with the horse is the goal. Dressage tests are very much like kata - demonstrations of a set of skills at each level. Nervousness, confusion, or annoyance on the part of the horse are counted against your score. Training a horse is a little like teaching it ukemi - to follow the feel you are offering.

It's funny, I have pretty good "eyes in the back of my head" for sensing what my horse might be up to next, but when we try to anticipate an attack in class (respond as soon at uke moves toward us) I'm pathetically slow. It'll come with time, I suppose.

By the way, I also have donkeys. They will teach one patience.  And they respond so much better to trust and polite requests than to authority and force. Besides, they are smart, and cute.

I have found, with my 5 y/o draft-cross greenie, who can buck like a rodeo horse, that tensing up, hanging on, and holding my breath isn't a very good strategy for staying with him. It's easier to throw someone who's not relaxed, I hear. Hoping Aikido helps in that respect...

I've not played with weapons yet, but I'm guessing years of forking manure has got to help with jo work.  We'll see.

Linda]]></body>
	<date>06-12-2009</date>
</blogEntry>


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