The Twelve Rules of Flaming

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[giriasis]

Found this on another board...

The Twelve Rules of Flaming


1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy."

3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal! From the Apple II RoundTable to X-10 Powerhouse RoundTable, they're all holding their breath until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't *possibly* be that you're a sh??head. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha."

6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously lying.

7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "veni, vidi, vici," and "fettuccini alfredo."

8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ."

9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or both.

10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a Flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: INSULT THE DIRTBAG!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables."

Honorable Mention:
13. When all else fails, call into question someones grammer or spelling.

[Qatana]

I Must copy and Post!

[Janet Rosen]

13. When all else fails, call into question someones grammer
HEY
what did my mum's ol lady ever do to YOU?!

[giriasis]

You forgot to capitalize the "w" in what. You know that the first letter of each sentence should be capitalized, right? ;)

[Michael Hackett]

Anne Marie....to quote Larry the Cable Guy....."That's funny. I don't care who you are."

[Qatana]

Clearly Janet is trying to turn this thread into a pun war

[Dazzler]

Clearly Janet is trying to turn this thread into a pun war

Surely thats a pun-fight? :D

(I'll get my coat....)

[Qatana]

I Happen to have been an English Major and when I say a word it means exactly as I choos it to mean.


How many have we got so far?

[Kevin Temple]

these rules are clearly total skat. Noone would ever use these ridiculous rules unless they were a baby-eating sleazeball. A scientific study was done on you, and it concluded that you, in fact, are a stupid jerk. Did I mention you have big ears and stupid hair. See you in court. :mad:


;)

[Michael Hackett]

OK, so you served in the British Army - wouldn't have been my cup of tea.

[CNYMike]

Clearly, Ann Marie is a jealous person who doesn't realize how smart I am -- the BS I finally got at my third college more than qualifies me to sell shoes -- and she is out to get me. I know she is because I say she is. When the ninjas in my clan find out who you are, Annie, I will sue you for you ad homm ... ad hominnnn .... your attacks on my person. Because clearly you don't know how smart I am. :mad: And I am being courteous in assuming you really exsist, Ann, if that's what your name really is! evileyes :hypno:

:D ;) :)

[RebeccaM]

I submit honorable mention 14:
Your all gay!!!!

Okay, so that probably fits in with one of the other rules, but I think it beglong to a class by itself.

[giriasis]

It'S nOt fAiR, iT's A cOnSiRpIrAcY eVeRyOnE iZ oUt 2 GiT Me!!!!!!!!!

[crbateman]

Clark's first rule of flaming is to point out that anyone without the good sense to agree with me has already proven that they are an IDIOT, thus rendering any further discussion irrelevant...

[Michael Hackett]

Just because you're paranoid DOESN'T mean they aren't out to get you.

[Janet Rosen]

My parrot told me you were talking about me and I want you to cut it out or I'll have my sempai beat up your sempai.

[happysod]

Possible honourable mentions distinct to aikido

15. I'm more hard-core/traditional/spiritually in tune with the universe [delete as appropriate] so any disputant is not only obviously wrong, but should be condescended to at every opportunity as just not understanding your superior viewpoint.

16. Along the lines of "the betting tip from the man in the pub" is the sensei and the sake - personal and private viewpoints from an eminent (unnamed, yet strongly hinted at) instructor who vouchsafed the true secrets over a cup of cold stuff that tastes like pencils.
Clark's first rule of flaming... don't worry, we've noticed this one... which leads me to
17. :D the use of smileys in an insipid attempt to avoid the resulting backlash when you realise you shouldn't have typed what you just typed but just couldn't resist it

[Mark Freeman]

Just because you're paranoid DOESN'T mean they aren't out to get you.

It doesn't?? Now I'm really starting to worry!

[Mark Freeman]

17. :D the use of smileys in an insipid attempt to avoid the resulting backlash when you realise you shouldn't have typed what you just typed but just couldn't resist it

I think rule 17 is a load of rubbish and should be resisted at all costs!! :D :D :crazy: :crazy: ;) ;)

[CNYMike]

Being more geneal, the following two rules will be seen as stageringly important to anyone as smart as me ..... ;)

18. When someone responds to a long flame with an in depth post that answers you point by point and pokes holes in all your arguments, do NOT under any circumstances deign to reply in kind for reasons stated in previous rules, ie, at best they are idiots, and at worst, out to get you. Instead, dash off two or three sentences that in one shot dismiss the reply, misquote the reply, and restate the point the other person originally replied to. This is particularly effective if the reply is REALLY long, because after typing for an hour seeing your epistle will definitely send steam out their ears. (It certainly does out of mine.)

19. This is probably the most diffiuclt: The best flamers don't even know they're flaming! They are completely unaware of what they are doing and any attempt to show them what's going on falls on deph ears .... eyeballs .... because they are following the other rules religiously. This is the mushin no shin of flaming: To flame without knowing you are flaming. Truly a feat to earn one a place in hell.

I don't know if they are the last, but they are DEFINITELY not least!

[Qatana]

You stole #19 from me. Clearly you have been poking around in my personal and private subconcious and lifting my words from my very brain. I thought of it first. You will be hearing from my lawyer.

[Jerry Miller]

Your mind is an open book. :D

[vjw]

20. Start a new interest (say Aikido), log on to it's forum, find the users that are the best contributors to the forum, follow their posts and flame them. You will quickly gain fame as the forum's biggest flaming nuisance.

[CNYMike]

You stole #19 from me. Clearly you have been poking around in my personal and private subconcious and lifting my words from my very brain. I thought of it first. You will be hearing from my lawyer.

Clearly, you are part of the conspiracy against me, because I stole #19 from you after you stole it from me. Now that I have my new tin foil hat, that won't happen. But I dare you to try.

[Qatana]

Anybody with an ounce of intellegence would know that only Aluminum foil works against your insidious conspiracy . Clearly you are conspiring to mislead us into wearing ineffective protection from the alien mind control cabal youare obviously a dupe thereof.

[James Davis]

Anybody with an ounce of intellegence would know that only Aluminum foil works against your insidious conspiracy . Clearly you are conspiring to mislead us into wearing ineffective protection from the alien mind control cabal youare obviously a dupe thereof.
You know too much. Hired thugs will soon be at your door. Have a nice day. :)

[Michael Hackett]

And to think that Petaluma is a nuclear free zone.........Now I understand why.

[CNYMike]

Anybody with an ounce of intellegence would know that only Aluminum foil works against your insidious conspiracy . Clearly you are conspiring to mislead us into wearing ineffective protection from the alien mind control cabal youare obviously a dupe thereof.

Clearly you are trying to mislead us by claiming I am trying to mislead us. Anyone with more than two neurons knows aluminum foil FACILITATES alien mind control. But I am on to you and the MIB. Have a nice day.

[Qatana]

That's GIB, buddy. Or maybe CIB. Or WIB,
Anyway around here its the ones in B&W anyway.

[emma.mason15]

flaming rule 21 ...
to really insite anger and hatred try to be the peace maker ...

so guys ... I really think that this thread may be getting a bit heated ... and I totally se both points ... maybe the laywers arent needed? ... well thats your oppinion ... maybe we should look at his point a little closer ...
ect ect etc

[emma.mason15]

You know too much. Hired thugs will soon be at your door. Have a nice day. :)
not that the have a nice day was patronizing at all!

[James Davis]

not that the have a nice day was patronizing at all!
I'd send hired goons to your door too, if I didn't fear for their safety. :p

[CNYMike]

That's GIB, buddy. Or maybe CIB. Or WIB,
Anyway around here its the ones in B&W anyway.

Clearly, you are tryint to confuse me by being smarter than me .... er ... or something like that ....

[Qatana]

neener neener neener
I win!
Oh right, this is aikido.

[emma.mason15]

I'd send hired goons to your door too, if I didn't fear for their safety. :p
hey itd be like that scene in monty python's the holy grail ...
"shes been a bad girl ... and needs a spanking ... in fact we should all get spankings!"
...
...
"errr no .... i really dont need rescuing .... i thnk i can handle them all "

"your gay arent you!"

yeah ... u all know the one Im talking about!
lol :D

[James Davis]

hey itd be like that scene in monty python's the holy grail ...
"shes been a bad girl ... and needs a spanking ... in fact we should all get spankings!"
...
...
"errr no .... i really dont need rescuing .... i thnk i can handle them all "

"your gay arent you!"

yeah ... u all know the one Im talking about!
lol :D
Haven't seen that one, actually. :(

I did see the part with the killer rabbit. :)

[emma.mason15]

Haven't seen that one, actually. :(

I did see the part with the killer rabbit. :)

ahhhh big pointy teeth