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Dirk Hanss
11-01-2005, 09:35 AM
This thread is my special humour, and maybe - again - nobody else can laugh about it.

But I though, the humour section is the best one, While I should cry, if I could not laugh :crazy:

So the story is always the same:
What can an aikidoka do, if he/she is ... (see list) and do not tell stories about you should try to avoid, as you cannot always avoid this.

We already know "taken to ground", "bear hugged", "punched hardly", "round house kicked". Now there are more of them.

(1) What can an aikidoka do, when he/she has got a knife in his/her belly / ribs?
(2) What can you do, if you are shot directly in your forehead?
(3) What, if you get hit with a baseball bat from behind, which you cannot see?


Maybe you can find more examples and finally we can prove that aikido is totally useless :mad: :grr: :yuck: :crazy: :drool: :dead: :freaky:



Dirk

iHeretic
11-01-2005, 09:50 AM
The answer's obvious... "Blend, blend and blend summore!" If you've been caught out then unfortunately you may blend with the attack in a spectacular but terminal fashion.

John Boswell
11-01-2005, 10:34 AM
I remember the last time I got shot... yeesh! Blend? The bullets and I became ONE!

But it's a boring story, I'll spare you all... ;)

Eric Webber
11-01-2005, 11:16 AM
...cannot avoid a wild, roaming, evil Brownie Troop looking for trouble? Throwing girlscouts (and their cookies) at whomever they find in their path? Oh my goodness, it's randori with live weapons.

Bryan
11-01-2005, 06:26 PM
(1) What can an aikidoka do, when he/she has got a knife in his/her belly / ribs?


be sure to shift your internal organs to avoid the knife :D

http://media.putfile.com/karate73

xuzen
11-01-2005, 09:08 PM
(1) What can an aikidoka do, when he/she has got a knife in his/her belly / ribs?
(2) What can you do, if you are shot directly in your forehead?
(3) What, if you get hit with a baseball bat from behind, which you cannot see?
Dirk

Easy Dirk,

Aikidoka should hang around friends who are doctors preferable with ER exposure; have boyfriend/girlfriend working as a paramedic; live near or hang around places where is near to a hospital; stay close to a Minister, Parish, Priest or Monks... capable of reading the last rite at the most opportune time.

Boon.

ian
11-02-2005, 08:41 AM
When people overly dissect techniques I always say, OK then, what technique do you do when you've been knocked unconcious. The point of all these being - you don't ever let it get that far, and zanshin is everything!

Paul Kerr
11-02-2005, 08:45 AM
...
(1) What can an aikidoka do, when he/she has got a knife in his/her belly / ribs?
(2) What can you do, if you are shot directly in your forehead?
(3) What, if you get hit with a baseball bat from behind, which you cannot see?


1. Bleed copiously. Possibly die.
2. Most likely die.
3. Get a busted skull. Possibly die.

Happy now?

Dazzler
11-02-2005, 08:59 AM
1. Bleed copiously. Possibly die.
2. Most likely die.
3. Get a busted skull. Possibly die.

Happy now?

Without saying much...that says so much!

Most amusing.

D

Dirk Hanss
11-03-2005, 04:07 PM
Hey there,
good new "questions" and good replies.

Some of you seem not to like my humour, but it is nice of you participating nevertheless.

So more,

What does an aikidoka do when his neck is broken?
"My MA just starts at this point, Wha wha wha!"

I guess a good aikidoka would start to improve his 360 view. Perfect zanshin :crazy:

Dirk

giriasis
11-03-2005, 04:17 PM
What do we do when struck by lightening?
What do we do when struck by an oncoming vehicle?
What do we do when a hurricane takes out all you electricity?

;)

Satyre
11-04-2005, 09:40 AM
What do we do when struck by lightening? - Blend. They're only electrons.

What do we do when struck by an oncoming vehicle?

- Blend. We will come out in next car wash. "Out, out, damned spot!"

What do we do when a hurricane takes out all you electricity? - Evade: Intelligently move to a state where they don't have hurricanes.

Tim Gerrard
11-29-2005, 06:05 AM
1) When attacked by a hungry Lion in the Jungle?
2) When he/she has run out of beer?
3) Locks him/herself out of their house?

Personally I think the best defence to the first one, is to wait until the lion gets within about 3 feet and begins to open his mouth to bite you. Then ram a small set of stepladders down his throat. If you are in a jungle, where stepladders are hard to come by, then a bedside table or a small dresser should suffice.

happysod
11-29-2005, 06:58 AM
1) When attacked by a hungry Lion in the Jungle?
- Feed it the nearest Christian

2) When he/she has run out of beer?
- aftershave/perfume and orange juice punch, note: do not use old-spice in a plastic container

3) Locks him/herself out of their house?
- every true aikidoka can always use their Ki (look, I'm sorry, but everyone was thinking this...)

RDReavis
11-29-2005, 09:33 AM
...cannot avoid a wild, roaming, evil Brownie Troop looking for trouble? Throwing girlscouts (and their cookies) at whomever they find in their path? Oh my goodness, it's randori with live weapons.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

emma.mason15
11-29-2005, 01:43 PM
Dear Agony Aunts & Uncles
okies this is a regular problem of mine .... what do you do if regularly attacked by the small people (5+ yr olds) in the dojo! .... help .... I think its a form of bulling .... im helpless 24yr old, completely at the mercy of these mini terrors!
:D :D :D :D

Michael Hackett
11-29-2005, 04:41 PM
Emma,

Given the usual height difference, be thankful that you're a woman.

Tim Gerrard
11-30-2005, 04:09 AM
Dear Agony Aunts & Uncles
okies this is a regular problem of mine .... what do you do if regularly attacked by the small people (5+ yr olds) in the dojo! .... help .... I think its a form of bulling .... im helpless 24yr old, completely at the mercy of these mini terrors!
:D :D :D :D

Kick 'em in the head?


Sorry, but we were all thinkin it......well I was anyway :D

happysod
11-30-2005, 07:59 AM
...im helpless 24yr old, completely at the mercy of these mini terrors! two toddlers tied together using their own belts makes a surprisingly acceptable set of practice nunchuks - a bit noisy at times, but you can get some good speed up with them.

James Davis
11-30-2005, 11:01 AM
Dear Agony Aunts & Uncles
okies this is a regular problem of mine .... what do you do if regularly attacked by the small people (5+ yr olds) in the dojo! .... help .... I think its a form of bulling .... im helpless 24yr old, completely at the mercy of these mini terrors!
:D :D :D :D
Pin one, grab the next one that gets too close, and start making a rugrat sandwich! :D

emma.mason15
12-01-2005, 08:58 AM
U guys rock .... im gunna print these and post them up on the dojo as a warning to all!!!!
:D :D :D

James Davis
12-01-2005, 12:08 PM
U guys rock .... im gunna print these and post them up on the dojo as a warning to all!!!!
:D :D :D
Fair warning. How nice! :)

They won't remember the warning.

Have fun. :p

emma.mason15
12-02-2005, 03:36 AM
we need a dear doka page!

Matt Molloy
12-02-2005, 06:34 AM
two toddlers tied together using their own belts makes a surprisingly acceptable set of practice nunchuks - a bit noisy at times, but you can get some good speed up with them.


After some experimentation with the above principle I can reveal that the simple addition of another belt between the toddlers, and knowledge of when to let go, will convert nunchuks into a highly effective bolas, with built in siren.

Cheers,

Matt.

happysod
12-02-2005, 09:24 AM
And don't forget, using several different sized toddlers correctly lined up can be a very useful training tool for bokken practice - practice cuts at different heights and see your yokomen improve immensely! (liked the bolas BTW - must try this sometime)

But back to the original content of this thread...

1/ What can an aikidoka do when held off the ground (face down) by all four limbs while someone is stabbing them in the back.

2/ What can an aikidoka do when their hakama is possessed by the spirit of a drowned murderer and is bent on revenge on the living!

Steve Mullen
12-02-2005, 09:38 AM
2/ What can an aikidoka do when their hakama is possessed by the spirit of a drowned murderer and is bent on revenge on the living!

call every news station in the world and start a frenzied bidding war for the rights to an interview (with both you and the hakama they have to pay double) then spend your new found wealth on a string of exorsists armed with holy irons to rid you of the evil possessing your hakama.

Matt Molloy
12-02-2005, 10:25 AM
And don't forget, using several different sized toddlers correctly lined up can be a very useful training tool for bokken practice - practice cuts at different heights and see your yokomen improve immensely! (liked the bolas BTW - must try this sometime)

Nice one. Glad you liked the Bolas idea, for extra effective attacks, the little nippers can be instructed to bite as soon as they hit the victim.

But back to the original content of this thread...

1/ What can an aikidoka do when held off the ground (face down) by all four limbs while someone is stabbing them in the back.

Uber-secret helicopter waza using Ki powers to spin oneself around in the manner of a Catherine Wheel. The knife in the back only helps to provide a focal point for the energies thus truly allowing an Aikidoka to use the opponents methods against them.

2/ What can an aikidoka do when their hakama is possessed by the spirit of a drowned murderer and is bent on revenge on the living!

Erm.... I thought that they were all like that. Taming them is part of the test for Shodan and is the reason that only experienced Aikidoka can wear them.

Cheers,

Matt.

James Davis
12-02-2005, 10:52 AM
And don't forget, using several different sized toddlers correctly lined up can be a very useful training tool for bokken practice - practice cuts at different heights and see your yokomen improve immensely! (liked the bolas BTW - must try this sometime)

But back to the original content of this thread...

1/ What can an aikidoka do when held off the ground (face down) by all four limbs while someone is stabbing them in the back.

2/ What can an aikidoka do when their hakama is possessed by the spirit of a drowned murderer and is bent on revenge on the living!

1. You should pee. When the puddle spreads, they'll let go to get their feet away. The down side is being dropped in the puddle. :yuck:

2. Feed the damn thing through a chipper shredder. Or give it to an enemy... evileyes

Eric Webber
12-02-2005, 11:09 AM
But back to the original content of this thread...

1/ What can an aikidoka do when held off the ground (face down) by all four limbs while someone is stabbing them in the back.

2/ What can an aikidoka do when their hakama is possessed by the spirit of a drowned murderer and is bent on revenge on the living!

1. Fart proudly - stench atemi :crazy: :yuck: :hypno:
2. Swap it out in the changing room for someone else's... without anyone seeing :confused:

John Boswell
12-02-2005, 11:56 AM
What do we do when struck by lightening?
What do we do when struck by an oncoming vehicle?
What do we do when a hurricane takes out all you electricity?

;)

When struck by lightning, you have to absorb the Ki energy like Yoda and tell the clouds that they "have much to learn about the Force." :D

When struck by an oncoming vehicle? Well, since you didn't get off line and tenkan... you just go tumbling up the hood of the car, crash the windshield and take a ride to the hospital. Next time... GET OFF LINE! SHEESH! :grr:

When a hurricane takes out all your electricity, you just extend your key... into the generator, start it up and plug that puppy into your house! Make sure to disconnect the mains or you'll have to blend with the fire department later on. :confused:

Okay... now!

What do you, AIkidoka, do when your spouse catches you buying stuff from BuJin... again, after he/she told ya to knock it off because you're gonna run yourselves into bankrupcy?

What do you do when confronted in a dark alley by a homeless bum asking for spare change... and he's armed with an empty wine bottle and simple, cronic halitosis?

What do you do when your child tells you that the Santa at the mall promised him/her a new XBox 360... and Best Buy/Circuit City are all sold out???

What do you do?

WHAT DO YOU DO??? :eek: :hypno: :p

Eric Webber
12-02-2005, 12:35 PM
What do you, AIkidoka, do when your spouse catches you buying stuff from BuJin... again, after he/she told ya to knock it off because you're gonna run yourselves into bankrupcy?

What do you do when confronted in a dark alley by a homeless bum asking for spare change... and he's armed with an empty wine bottle and simple, cronic halitosis?

What do you do when your child tells you that the Santa at the mall promised him/her a new XBox 360... and Best Buy/Circuit City are all sold out???

What do you do?

WHAT DO YOU DO??? :eek: :hypno: :p

1. Try not to panic, grovel, smile and take the pain :uch:
2. hold your breath until you gain some distance :hypno:
3. Tell him/her that the elves may have a labor issue and may not be able to deliver on time this year, but will be making late deliveries via the Easter Bunny. :rolleyes:

rtist
12-22-2005, 10:02 PM
Whatever the attack is -
Don't forget to breathe! Otherwise you will tense up and get dizzy. Before you die.

As long as you can, of course