A Love Matter

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[Elrond]

Hello everybody. I really need your view. I am a primary school teacher here, in İstanbul. I started teaching last year. Last year, something happened to me, something that really surprised me. I felt in love with one of my students. She is fifteen and I am twenty three. I did not give much importance at the first times. But now, one year passed and I am still in love with her. She graduated last season, and I have not seen her since then. I did not speak to her about this love for I thought she could consider as this nonsense. I tried to but I could not. Please help me with your ideas. Is this normal, falling in love with a 15 year old girl ? Or is this nonsense?

[Janet Rosen]

Well, since you ask...It is an infatuation, based not on her but on your projected fantasy of who/what you think she is.
What she really is, is a teenage girl, an immature person with a lot of growing and changing to do before she is an adult. So even if she is no longer your student, it is innappropriate for you to act on your fantasy.

[Elrond]

Fantasy? I wish it would be, but No, I don't think it is, because no fantasy lasts such long. it is this thing that makes me insane, I really love her with her a lot of growing and changing.

[xuzen]

Dear Arif,

Leaving feelings aside... let's get technical. Does Turkish Law allow conjugal relationship with a minor? In my country, anyone below the age of 18 is consider a minor and if you are caught, you will be charged in court for statutory rape which carries a max jail term of 20 years plus mandatory whipping.

Love? Love has to be a two party consensual thing, does she feel the same abt you? If yes, then ask yourself, does a 15 y/o minor has the mental capability to make an informed judgement?

Don't be hasty Arif, you may potentially destroy two lives here, yours and the one you claim to love. Give yourself three to four years. By that time she will no longer be minor and if you still have feelings for her... I wish you all the best. You will only be 26 or 27 then and which by my standard is just abt the right age to get hitched. (My country's national average marriageble age for male is 28 y/o)

Chill and may peace be with you.

Boon.

[Elrond]

Xu wrote
"Give yourself three to four years. By that time she will no longer be minor and if you still have feelings for her... I wish you all the best. You will only be 26 or 27 then and which by my standard is just abt the right age to get hitched. (My country's national average marriageble age for male is 28 y/o)"


I am already in the same idea with you, Xu. I just wondered; is this normal, falling in love with a teenager? Or do I have an abnormal character?

[stuartjvnorton]

I wouldn't worry too much about "abnormal character". You're fairly young, and she may be very mature for her age.
That said, Boon's got some good advice here. Consider the consequences first.
Most 15 year-olds (and some quite a bit older lol) have no idea what they want, so a few years will give you both time to figure out what it is you're actually looking for in a partner (that's assuming she currently returns your feelings). It's made a bit easier when you figure out who _you_ are first.

Best of luck.

[Janet Rosen]

Fantasy? I wish it would be, but No, I don't think it is, because no fantasy lasts such long. it is this thing that makes me insane, I really love her with her a lot of growing and changing.
EXACTY why I call it infatuation and fantasy. You have not seen her since she graduated last year. Your increasing thoughts are totally self-generated, they do not grow out of any time spent in her company, learning who she actually is.

[SeiserL]

IMHO, let it go. While being atrracted to youth and beauty is not unusual or the sign of severe pathology, between the age difference and the position of power difference, the best bet you have is to let it go and see if it comes back on its own in 5 years. Meanwhile, talk to a professional.