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Anonymous User
09-02-2004, 03:49 AM
I know my partner will be expecting me to give up aikido soon due to 'complications' at the dojo.
(I can also understand why he is expecting me to make this sacrifice) He says we will find some thing to learn together, but I feel I have only just found aikido & know I will regret giving it up. I am worried that having regrets will just cause problems later on.

As soon as I practiced on the mat I knew it was the martial art & dojo for me. I expected aikido to be a part of me & my life for a long time to come, & guess I am having difficulties coming to terms with just giving it up.
I have considered looking for another dojo, but know my dojo is the best I will find.

Has any one else been in this situation?
Or any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Many thanks.

Jeff Stallard
09-07-2004, 03:01 PM
You're not giving us much to go on. What are the complications? What are the consequences if you don't quit?

Hanna B
09-07-2004, 03:21 PM
Why should you quite because your "partner" (friend? boyfriend?) quits? If you want to continue, just don't do it. You'll find some other stuff to do together, as well as activities you can do separately. If you think this kind of "sacrifice" is a good ground for healthy relationships, I say No Way.

I left aikido because of complications of various kinds. I never imagined I would do, but I did. I found life without aikido to be very possible. On the other hand, I am still there to a certain degree - I still read this board, and even post occasionally...

Drop me a private message, if you like.

Janet Rosen
09-07-2004, 03:33 PM
Don't stop training.
I took up aikido after 17 yrs of marriage. My husband does not train, resents the time and energy it takes, wonders about me getting all sweaty and intimate w/ athletic young folks, was beside himself when I blew out my knee and even more so when I returned to training.
We have survived 8 years of aikido training. And yknow what? He IS more important than aikido to me, and how I prioritize time, travel, etc reflects that fact. On the other hand, if he ever gave me an ultimatum, I'd call his bluff in a minute and he knows it. Nobody but me gets to call the shots on whether aikido is part of my life.

Anonymous User
09-07-2004, 04:28 PM
Let's just say the complications involved feelings for some one at the dojo...
And I would assume the consequences of not quitting would involve lack of trust & all the problems that brings in relationships.

I am DEFINITELY going to carry on in aikido. I just need to find another great dojo. At least we have found a compromise. I didn't want to be backed into a corner with an ultimatum of any kind.

Thank you for your replies.

suren
09-07-2004, 04:36 PM
I don't think quitting in the situation when you know that's a wrong thing to do is right. Even though your partner thinks differently, but from what I read in your post, you belong to the art and to that dojo. I would try to solve this problem without sacrifices and women have a lot of tools to influence a man.
I personally pulled my wife from a religious sect where she was a very dedicated member (like an example for others). That was not easy to do and it took about 8 month until she quit. But I was really determined to do that and I'm a stubborn highlander :)

siwilson
09-07-2004, 05:06 PM
I get what you are saying! Something has to change!

If there is someone else who is making a problem in your relationship, and your relationship is more important than Aikido (I know my marriage is), then your Aikido must change!

For different reasons I have changed dojo, and I feel good for it. Some times you like what you are doing and are not open for how good others are. Go train around a bit (or a lot) and you will get to know others from different dojo, and go train there. You will find your way!

Good luck.

aikidoc
09-07-2004, 05:54 PM
Feelings for someone in the dojo! Someone has developed feelings for you or you have developed feelings for someone? By your partner, is this a spouse or a boyfriend/girlfriend. If you are not married and you find yourself attracted someone else, then your partner would seem to be controlling you. I would be more concerned about that behavior, especially if this is something you wanted to pursue. Now if it is feelings for the sensei, that could be more complicated.

Finding other dojos that are as good should not be impossible. However, doing so does not sound like to me it will solve the problem between you and your partner. There are more serious issues here.

Hanna B
09-07-2004, 06:25 PM
If someone else is attracted to/in love with you and you are not interested, then I do not seen the problem. I will therefore assume it is you who got a more or less serious crush on someone.

If you are not married and you find yourself attracted someone else, then your partner would seem to be controlling you.

A relationship of any degree is a kind of commitment, married or not is irrelevant as I see it. If I developed feelings for someone else than my partner but I wanted to maintain my relationship, taking measures to avoid having so much to do with this other person would be a clever thing to do. But it should IMHO be done because I want to maintain my relationship - not because my partner requests it, although that might be what first raises the issue. If this is what it looks like I'd say you should take responsability for your own actions; do not blaim them on your partner and say you do it because he wants you to...

Your feelings for this person will probably enhance this feeling that this dojo is the right one but until you have tried the others, you really can not know if there are other equally good.

suren
09-07-2004, 06:48 PM
Oops, sorry when I posted my previous reply this last anonymous post has not been visible yet.

Let's just say the complications involved feelings for some one at the dojo...


If I understand correctly this last post it sounds to me more like you have problems with your feelings rather than with aikido or dojo...
Such thing could happen anywhere - at dojo, at workplace, at neighborhood. What will you do in that case? Change your residence? Change your profession of company? You can't resolve a problem by running and hiding.
I think you have to search for the problem and the answer inside not outside.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood the situation...

Infamousapa
09-07-2004, 10:10 PM
Is the guy your boyfriend or what..I dont understand ?Is he going to do something if you dont quit..

xuzen
09-07-2004, 11:24 PM
Let's just say the complications involved feelings for some one at the dojo...
And I would assume the consequences of not quitting would involve lack of trust & all the problems that brings in relationships.
Thank you for your replies.

Aikido is aikido is just aikido. It is after all only an extracurricular pursuit, a hobby, an interest... nothing more. Why do you Mr/Ms Anoynymous want to mess them up by complicating a hobby with relationship.

After all aikido dojo like so many social activity is a congregation of like-minded people and having people with similar interest develop more than friendship is not entirely unusual.

Best of luck,
Boon.

MaryKaye
09-08-2004, 12:47 AM
My experience is that if you move around to avoid a problem, but it is really your problem, it will just reappear at the new school. So you may want to try to figure out where the problem is really coming from and whether you're liable to take it with you when you move.

I can't guess from what you said, but if the real problem is that you and your partner don't have a clear consensus on the amount of exclusiveness in your relationship, that's a problem that will definitely reappear. Might as well try to fix it now.

If the problem is that one of you got involved in a relationship which you now regret, it's more complicated and sometimes leaving might be the best solution. It can be hard to remain training partners with someone with whom you had a more intimate relationship and no longer do.

If the problem is the *appearance* of having been in an undesirable relationship, rather than the actuality--i.e. your partner thinks you were involved in something he disapproves of, but you don't agree--don't move to avoid this! It will just happen over and over until the underlying jealousy thing gets addressed, and in the meantime it disrupts your own life and that of your dojo.

Just some vague advice, because we don't really know the situation.

best of luck,
Mary Kaye

Matt Molloy
09-08-2004, 03:42 AM
wonders about me getting all sweaty and intimate w/ athletic young folks

Say Janet, your dojo sounds like a fun place to be. :D

Sorry couldn't resist.

To the original anonymous, the very best of luck. I know what it's like to have conflicting forces in your life but I think that the previous posters have given the best advice.

Cheers,

Matt.

Anonymous User
09-08-2004, 06:58 AM
Every one - thanks once again for all you replies/advice.
I suppose it has been a confusing time of change in my life & probably will be for some time more.
Hmm, this started out asking about giving up aikido, but I realise that there's a lot more behind it there!! (apologies there)

A lot of the problem has been that the feelings were mutual, & therefore I know that finding another dojo may be the best/easiest solution. And yes, I know I have to take responsibility for the situation.
However, that said, I feel the dojo is still the best for me & it would be possible to train without seeing this other person.

I'm coming to my own conclusion that it may be best to find another dojo. And that I may be able to return to my current dojo at some point in the future when things are a little less complicated.

thomas_dixon
09-08-2004, 08:56 AM
So what you're really trying to say is you're in a relationship, but met someone else in your dojo, to whom attractive feelings are mutual and you wish to carry on training but don't want to be near this person for fear of the complications or possibly the feelings you have about each other growing stronger, so you want to find another dojo?

daniel loughlin
09-08-2004, 10:30 AM
[b] Dont Quit Ull Regret It For The Rest Of Ur Life

Hanna B
09-08-2004, 10:36 AM
How do you know Daniel - have you quit? Do you know someone who has, and regrets it?

If all people who quit aikido regret it - why do not a larger portion of them come back?

daniel loughlin
09-08-2004, 10:38 AM
because aikido doesnt suit every1 but when u rlly lyk it and u no that u want to do it then u shud continiue with it no matter what

Anonymous User
09-08-2004, 10:55 AM
Thomas, what you said is right!
That said, I can see that relationships can cause problems on the mat & within the dojo community, or what ever you want to call it.
I am an adult & should be able to control my emotions/feelings after all.
But unless I really have to I don't want to lose my dojo over all this.

xuzen
09-08-2004, 10:03 PM
So what you're really trying to say is you're in a relationship, but met someone else in your dojo, to whom attractive feelings are mutual and you wish to carry on training but don't want to be near this person for fear of the complications or possibly the feelings you have about each other growing stronger, so you want to find another dojo?

Anonymous said, "Thomas, what you said is right! That said, I can see that relationships can cause problems on the mat & within the dojo community, or what ever you want to call it. I am an adult & should be able to control my emotions/feelings after all. But unless I really have to I don't want to lose my dojo over all this"

Ah, Mr/Ms Anonymous, now the picture becomes clearer. Good luck with your decision.

Boon.

Lyle Laizure
09-14-2004, 11:20 AM
The question is; What do you really want?

Anonymous User
09-14-2004, 02:30 PM
Lyle, that's the toughest question & it works on so many levels in my life at the moment...

I honestly don't know any more; I've gone round in circles so many times I'm confused, disappointed in myself and no longer at peace.

Trying to remain centred & hopefully it will all become clear one day!

no name
09-14-2004, 07:57 PM
Have you tried talking to the person you have mutual feelings for and just asking them to leave you alone. Dont leave them in the dark about it. And if things continue to become moreof a problem mayby change dojo. you abviously love aikido and you dont want to break up with your partner so mayby change dojo, that way you can have both.

thomas_dixon
09-16-2004, 04:32 PM
It's ok to want to be closer to someone as long as you don't let it go too far...You shouldn't fear causing complications as long as the feelings of commitment and trust within your current relationship are strong, and you are confident in them. You should just revert to being friends with the person you like...Remember that self-control and confidence in your own abilities are 2 traits respected not only in life but in Aikido training. I'm sure you can pull through this without anyone getting hurt emotionally. Good luck ^_^

jk
09-17-2004, 02:56 AM
Anonymous, it looks like you have the following options:

1. Ditch the dojo, maintain current relationship.
2. Ditch current partner, go out with dojo mate.
3. Ditch current partner AND dojo, swearing off all romantic relationships. Move into monastery/nunnery.
4. Go out with both interested parties behind their respective backs. :)
5. Go out with both people and make no secret about it to them. :D
6. Have current partner and dojo mate fight a duel to the death over you. :D :D
7. Go out with your sensei. :D :D :D

The last few options should be more exciting, if that's what you're looking for...

Best of luck, and let us know how it turns out.

(this is purely tongue-in-cheek...I blame the medication I'm on right now)

Anonymous User
09-19-2004, 03:52 PM
Yeah, I have spoken to the person at the dojo & they have been very understanding about all of this. Which I guess is a bonus. Doesn't make me feel much better though. Give it time, hey??

LOL, I have thought about becoming a nun. (Just me & God, no complications!)
And I agree, having feelings for my Sensei would've been a heck of a lot worse. And I hate to think what his wife would've done to me...

Cheers once again for all the posts, didn't think I'd get so many. :)

thomas_dixon
09-19-2004, 04:17 PM
If you become a nun, please continue to shave your legs. That is all. :P

Complications are what make relationships, it brings you closer knowing that you can get through it together. You gotta remember, though we depict the perfect relationship with happy snapshots of couples smiling and kissing and holding hands, it's those complications you speak of that take us from one happy snapshot to the next.

p00kiethebear
09-21-2004, 01:43 AM
Let's just say the complications involved feelings for some one at the dojo...
And I would assume the consequences of not quitting would involve lack of trust & all the problems that brings in relationships

Having been in this situation before. It's better to keep going and work through the problems. At least in my case it was. If someone wants you to stop doing something you love because they don't trust you while doing it, well, i dunno, that just seems like a really bad trait in a person to me.

Anonymous User
09-24-2004, 10:06 AM
Well, I have made a stand & decided my dojo is worth fighting for! I went to class & it did cause an argument, but I am going with a promise that it will not be a problem.

There have been a lot of things in life I suppose I haven't stood up for, but I have realised that some times you have to make a stand for some thing you love. :)

The rest of my life still feels a mess, but I think continuing with aikido will help me deal with that.

Not running off to a nunnery just yet...

thomas_dixon
09-29-2004, 07:10 AM
Haha...good.