View Full Version : Everything that has a beginning...

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08-31-2004, 09:31 PM
"Harsh realities clash against a frail mind in the midst of utter internal chaos. The "challace" that is the inner-most core of ones self trying to be put back together, but is broken once more." -Troy Copes

This is how I feel everytime I go to work. Aikido has helped me alot in saving my life from my place of employment, but it just isn't enough. I have some bad habits (non-drug related, but as addicting as anything else, and sekf eroding). I try to quit. And it works for a few days, then evil tries to lure me back in; and another battle is lost. All of my life, I've walked the narrow line between myself, and my unknown self. Trying to keep myself in check is becomming harder. Meditation, what used to be my only haven from evil, offers no longer sanctuary; my mind working the next move buzzes around like a wasp guarding a secret.

I know that I am stronger than what I am; than who I am. When I am at the Dojo, I can feel deep within my inner-core, a power waiting to burst forth, but I am afraid. I am afraid of what might come... what might be after the transformation from self to SELF. I have anger that has gathered for 20 years, from schoolyard bullies, to close family being violated, to co-workers emotional abuse. I fear that it is the anger that is waiting to burst forth, and take over. But what if...

What if it is actually my true power, my true TRUE SELF. Reforged through the power of Bushido and Aiki. What if, it will bring a calm to my being that I have so long searched for. What should I do?

08-31-2004, 09:36 PM
seek professional help

Aikido is not a replacement for therapy.

08-31-2004, 09:40 PM
You manifest your own mind, in my opinon. We are all capable of making ourselves happy and unhappy. It took me a long time to realize there is no reason to be unhappy. WE dont have much time on this panet. Why let your co-workers or others make it miserable for you? Are they that powerful? If you really belive they are, then you are only fooling yourself. We all live in paradise. We just have to realize it. :circle:

08-31-2004, 11:52 PM
Addiction and anger, IMHO, take a day off training and go talk to some one. You sound like you are confused and in pain. My compassion for the fight against our own demons.

08-31-2004, 11:58 PM
Many people who are new to the martial arts labor under the fantasy that when they get proficient they will be able to "really kick ass." Likewise, many who begin psychotherapy imagine that "cured" means they'll be able to boss people around. Having spent much of their lives afraid to assert themselves to "get what they want," they imagine that their new power will give them the nerve or self-confidence to get back at all the people and situations which have made them feel small all these years. They carry with them a great deal of anger which they cannot release, and it is this anger which directs their fantasy of revenge.

What they don't realize is that it is really their lack of connection to themselves that prevents them from functioning well. If their training in martial arts, or their therapy, is "successful," they appear quite different from their original fantasy. Having found their spirit and experienced their energy, they never quite get around to "kicking ass." The need for revenge is gone because their reconnection with their own centers has put them back into connection with all life.

Terry Dobson and Victor Miller, Aikido in Everyday Life, 1978

Troy, I've been where you are now, and I know how hard it is.

I am the following nicknames on the following IM services:

AIM: monsterland
MSN: lastdoor@hotmail.com
ICQ: 6667956

Maybe we should talk.

12-15-2004, 10:17 AM
Addiction and anger, IMHO, take a day off training and go talk to some one. You sound like you are confused and in pain. My compassion for the fight against our own demons.

I agree with Seiser Sensei.


12-15-2004, 10:22 AM
Not to be contrary but two years of aikido has done more for me than all the many years and games of therapist and pharmaceutical roulette that I have done in the past 40 years.
And that's saying a lot, coming from a recovering Anger Addict.