Sitting in a bar....

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[DGLinden]

These two men were sitting in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "You look fit, do you work out? The othe says "Yes, I train at Aikido." The first says "No, I train at aikido too! Bartender, a pair of drinks for two men who train at Aikido!"

After a while the first man says, "Where did you first learn Aikido?" The second man says, "In New York." The first "No! I trained in New York! Bartender, another pair of drinks for two men who trained in New York!"

After a bit the first man says, "How old are you, you seem as fit as I do, and I'm 41.?"
The second man says, "No! I'm 41! Bartender! Another pair of drinks for two Aikidoka who are 41 years old."

The bartender passes back and forth and keeps hearing the two going on and on... "You went to St Marys? I went to St. Marys!" "You knew Sensei Dobson? I knew Sensei Dobson!"

After a while the owner of the bar calls and asks him how things have been going for the night. He says fine and that he'd close up except the O'Brian twins are here and they're drunk again...

[Jack Robertson]

HAHAHA!! :)

Very nice: )

[John Boswell]

Daniel... you know the O'Brian twins? I know the O'Brian twins too!!

"Bartender! Another round for..." :D

[Colin 67]

Three men walked into a bar........the fourth one ducked!

[tedehara]

...After a while the owner of the bar calls and asks him how things have been going for the night. He says fine and that he'd close up except the O'Brian twins are here and they're drunk again...After a while the owner of the bar calls and asks him how things have been going for the night. He says things have been pretty quiet, except for the drunk at the end of the bar. He has been talking to himself in the mirror again.

[j0nharris]

Three men walked into a bar........the fourth one ducked!
So.. A cowboy, a redhead, and a priest walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

:D

[DarkShodan]

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't like your kind around here." The Jumper cable says, "Don't worry, it's not like I am going to start anything."

Boo!

Hiss!

[cbrf4zr2]

Another groaner...

This string walks into a bar, and the bartender immediately points him to the door saying, "We don't serve your kind here, you'll have to go somewhere else." The next night the string comes back, and the same thing. This goes on for a while, then finally the string ruffles up his "hair," twists himself up, and heads back to the bar.

The bartender asks, "How many times do I have to tell you? We don't serve your kind here, you are a string aren't you?" To which the string replied, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

[Jim ashby]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.............

[Andrew James]

Guy walks into a bar with his parrot and asks for a whiskey. The bartender brings him a whiskey and coke. The guy says "I didn't order that coke!" Bartender replies "No your parrot did", The guy bewildered says "But my parrot doesn't know how to speak" and orders another whiskey. Bartender comes back with whiskey and coke. The guy gets upset and so does the bartender,"Your damn parrot ordered it!!!!!"

The man once again asks for a whiskey and this time listens to see if the parrot says anything. The parrot looks at him and says" Squawk, and a Coke, Squawk squawk" The guy gets in a real temper and out of rage goes to his car to his tool box, comes back and nails the parrot to the wall.

Next to the parrot, above the door, is a crucifix. The Parrot turns to look at Jesus and asks " Squawk, did you ask for a coke as well?? squawk, squawk"

[John Boswell]

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!

Bad bad.

That joke was so lame, years of rehab wouldn't help it. :p

BUT, getting back to Jesus...

Moses and Jesus are up in heaven getting ready to play a game of golf when an old man comes up and asks to join in. Jesus looks at Moses, who shrugs his shoulders, so they agree to let the old man play.

Moses takes his first shot which goes *plop* right into a water hazard. Walking over to the pond, he raises his hands, parts the water, finds his ball and plays through.

Next up, Jesus hits his golf ball, it lands on the far side of the water hazard... right on the edge. He walks over to the little pond, walks across the water, stands partly on the water and partly on ground... takes his hit and plays through.

Finally, the little old man tees up. He hits the ball and watches it slice of to the side where it hits a tree, bounces up into the air, hits a bird, falls down and smacks a rock, ricochets off to the right thumping a groundhog, then rolls onto the green and into the hole... making a hole in one.

Moses shakes his head and looks over at Jesus,"Man... I hate playing golf with your Dad."

:D

[John Boswell]

Got another one for ya. Let's see if I can type this:

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a shot and a beer. (stop me if ya heard this one ;) )

He's looking around, checking out this bar when he notices there's a jar full of twenty dollar bills up on the shelf behind the bar. On his next round when the bartender comes back, the guy asks "whats with that jar fulla money?" Bartender tells him: "It's a running bet. Cost you $20 bucks to try it, but if you win, you get all the money in that jar." Bartender looks all serious, leans on the bar and asks, "You interested?"

Guy says, "I dunno. What do I have to do?"

"Three things." says the bartender. "First, you see that big, ugly, musclebound jerk over there at the end of the bar? He's a regular and he's got a N A S T Y temper! You have to go over there and kick his a$$!"

Guy looks down at the big, ugly guy, drinks his shot and beer, orders another round, slams down a twenty and his drinks and says, "Be right back..."

Ten minutes later the guy stumbles back over to his stool and sits down. He has another (several) shots and beers. Bartender leans over to him, "Well? Think your ready for the rest?"

Drunk guy looks up at him, "Hell ya I'mf ready! Don uh luk ready tu yu? I whapped that ole' boy real good and I'll doo it agin if ya wanna!"

"Oh no.... no, no. I got two more things for you to do. The next thing is: we have a doberman guard dog out back. He's mean and the owner doesn't feed him enough. And now he's got a bad tooth! You're next task is to go out there and pull that tooth!"

Drunk guy looks at the back door, then at the bartender, then the back door again. "I dunno buddy. Was da last thing I gots ta do, hmm?"

Bartender looks at the drunk and tells him: " The 3rd and final thing is this... the owner's wife, Bertha, lives in the apartment upstairs. The owner is a jealous man and never lets that pretty little wife of his goes out and he SWARES he'll kill her and any man around if she's caught cheatin' on him. Last thing ya gotta DO after the dog... is Bertha! You live through THAT... and you get this money!"

Drunk guy eyes the bartender, takes a shot of whiskey, eyes the jar of money, stands up, tips his hat and tells the bartender, "uh'll be rite back."

Stomp, stomp, stomp... slam!

The old boy goes out back and everyone in the bar can hear terrible growling, barks, whimperin' and whining... for over thirty minutes the struggle goes on before the drunk comes stumbling back in again. He's a bloody and tore up mess of a man.

Drunk guy stumbles over to his stool, plops down and sips on his beer. When the bartender comes over, he leans in and says "Well?"

Drunk guy looks at him and says, "O.K.! Now then... where's this here little lady what got's a bad tooth??"

HA ! :D

I know, I know... loses something in the translation, but DAMN that's a funny joke!!

[DarkShodan]

one for the kids....

This proton walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says,

"Hey, get out! We don't serve electrons here."

"But I'm not an electron."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

[Jeff Stallard]

A neutron walks into a bar and gets a drink. He pulls out his wallet and the bartender says, "For you, no charge."

Two peanuts walk into a bar; one was assaulted.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, I got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Really?! You got a drink named Murray?!"

An irishman walks out of a bar...

[DarkShodan]

A man with dyslexia walks into a bra.

[John Boswell]

An irishman walks out of a bar...

...now THAT was FUNNY !! :D

[Infamousapa]

A horse walks into the bar,And the bartender asks WHY THE LONG FACE....

[Noel]

A hot dog walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve food in this joint."

[Keith_k]

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have............................................................................ .......................................... a beer," The bartender says "Why the big pause?" (paws)

[senseimike]

a duck walks into a convience store and says " Give me some chapstick, and put it on my bill"

[senseimike]

few days later....... same duck walks into the same store....

duck says" give me a condom"
store owner says " shall i put it on your bill"
duck says " what kind of a duck do you think i am???"

[Marc Kupper]

This was sent to me as an office joke and I just hacked it to fit a dojo setting though any similarity to any dojo you may have trained at is strictly coincidental. ;)

The senior student noticed a new student, motioned him over, and asked "What is your name?" "John," the new guy replied.

The senior scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you trained at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to kohai by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

[Michael Brown]

Ok......
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
-dung-
"Doctor, last night I dreamed that I was a wigwam, and the night before I dreamt that I was a teepee!" Doc replied, "relax, you're two tents."
keep 'em coming, folks.......
-Mike

[Bridge]

A man walks into a bar. Ouch!


I'll get me coat.

[shihonage]

Ok......
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
-dung-
"Doctor, last night I dreamed that I was a wigwam, and the night before I dreamt that I was a teepee!" Doc replied, "relax, you're two tents."
keep 'em coming, folks.......
-Mike

... I prefer this version:

_____________

Patient comes to a doctor and says,
"Doctor, I'm having strange dreams ! Last night I dreamed that I was a wigwam, and the night before I dreamt that I was a teepee ! Do you have any idea why ?"

Doctor says, "Well, it is quite simple. You're a fucking idiot."

_____________

[Bronson]

What's brown and sticky?

....a stick :D

Bronson

[Joe Bowen]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a donkey sitting in the corner of the bar with a big jar full of money next to him. So, he goes up to the bartender and asks, "What's with the donkey in the corner with the money?" The bartender replies, "Its a running contest. Anyone can try for a $10.00 charge to attempt to win all the money collected in the jar." The man asks, "What do I gotta do to win?" "All you have to do is make the donkey laugh", is the reply.
The man says, "Ok", and promptly sticks his $10 into the jar, bends down and whispers something to the donkey. Suddenly, the donkey breaks out laughing really hard. So, the man collects the money out of the jar and leaves. Three months later the man comes back to the same bar, sees the same donkey and asks the bartender, "Same deal with the donkey?" THe bartender replies, "Oh, no. Now you have to make the donkey cry." The man says "Ok, but can I take the donkey out back for a quick second?" The bartender looks sceptical and then says "Ok". The man puts his $10 into the jar, takes the donkey out the back door into the ally and when he returns the donkey is crying, big time. The man goes to collect his money, but the bartender stops him and says, "I gotta know. How did you make the donkey laugh and how did you make him cry?"
The man replies, "Simple. To make him laugh, I just told him my penis was bigger than his. And to make him cry, I took him out back and showed him". :crazy:

[miratim]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.

Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! "

A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"

The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

[miratim]

And quickly, before I fall asleep:

You know why, when birds fly in a V formation, one side of the V is always longer than the other?


No?


'cause it has more birds in it!

/leaving

[Keith_k]

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN. This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
He's gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

[bryce_montgomery]

How do you know when bed time is at the Neverland Ranch?...

Give up?...

When the big hand touches the little hand...

[David_francis]

A guy walks into a bar, he sits down and has a few drinks, theresa big party going on and it seemed like fun. Anyways after about half an hour or so into the party he has to go to the toilet reeeaaally bad. So he asks the bartender "hey buddy wheres the toilet?" the bartender can't hear him because the musics really loud and hes very busy with orders. He gives up after a while and goes in search of the toilet. He eventually finds his way upstairs and to no avail he simply cant find a toilet. Now hes on the verge of doing something nasty in his pants so he desperately looks around for a spot to do his business. He sees in the corner of the hall a small hole which seemed perfect for him. He goes over and squats, a slight breeze coming out of it and does his business. After 10 minutes of this he goes downstairs and is shocked to see that the parties over and the barkeepers mopping up the dancefloor. He walks over and asks what happened the bartender looks at him cocks one eyebrow and asks "where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

[Jack Simpson]

So..... an aikidoka goes into a bar down the street from the local dojo and orders 3 beers. The bartender is new and says to the guy, "Say, aren't 3 beers a bit much?".

The aikidoka looks up and says, "Well, you see my 2 brothers and I train at the local aikido dojo down the street and after training we'd come in here for a beer. Now my two brothers have gone off to Japan to train at Hombu, so to remember all the good times we had, I come in and order 2 extra beers as if my brothers were still here with me." The bartender understands completely and draws 3 beers.

A few months later the aikidoka walks into the bar and orders 2 beers. The bartender, who now knows the story, says to the guy, "I'm really sorry for your loss". The guy looks up somewhat confused and says, "My loss?". The bartender says, "Yeah, I assume since you only ordered 2 beers, one of your brothers must have passed away."

The guy says, "Oh no, I've just stopped drinking".


Jack :ai:

[bryce_montgomery]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.............

Shouldn't it be:
A lysdexic yug klaws tion a bra...

Bryce :D

[bryce_montgomery]

I'll get the door...

Bryce

[taras]

I am probably risking criticism from the experts of Japanese language but here goes anyway:

One dark winter night a policeman is stood on a corner when this Toyota pulls up and a small Japanese man in a buiseness suite gets out and addresses the policeman: "Oyasuminasai, sumimasen, doko-de watashi wa kono yukitoshi-ni 'Coca-Cola' no kan-o koubaimas ka?"

The policeman pulls an official smile on his face and replies: "I am sorry, I didn't quite get that. Did you say 'Where in this snow-covered city at this late hour I can get a can of what?"

[jacob wood]

How did the frog die.......

he croaked


(dodging rotten cabbage)

[darin]

Does anyone do aikido taisabaki moves on the dance floor or is it only my students?

[John Boswell]

*pitches a cabbage*

What's black and white and red all over?

I dunno... I'm asking YOU! :crazy:

*runs away*

[John Boswell]

Bear in Bar

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''
The bear replies, ''If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there.''

The bartender says, ''Go ahead.''

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''

''What do mean,'' says the bear. ''I'm not on drugs.''

''Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.''

[Sue Hammerich]

Ha!!!!

[Thomas Ambrose]

So a man stops in the bar on the way home from work. While there, he looks out the sliding glass door, and sees a man fall down from above, to the cement outside. After a second or two, the fallen man gets up, looking a bit dazed, and walks into the bar. He takes two shots of vodka, hops into the elevator, and then jumps down from the top of the building. He crashes into the ground below, gets up, and comes back in. Amazed, the first guy asked him how he survived? The man says "If you time it out just right, alcohol give you a certain buoyancy in the air, and you actually only look like you are hitting the ground at deadly speed, but are quite allright. It is quite thrilling." So the original guy immediately orders a double shot of vodka, takes it, and takes the elevator to the top of the building. He jumps off, and dies on impact....

PUNCHLINE: The bartender says "Superman, you can be a real asshole when you are drunk."

:D

[Tim Gerrard]

Patient comes to a doctor with a steering wheel sticking out of his trousers, the doc says "Isn't that painful?" patient replies "yes it's driving me nuts."

What do you call an intelligent blonde? A golden retriever...

2 fish in a tank, one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"
Fish swims into a wall....damn.

[Tim Gerrard]

Jesus, never killed a thread before.
:sorry: :sorry: :sorry:

[Keith_k]

Thread murderer! Get 'em guys!

[syraikidoka]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, ya want a beer?" Descartes says, "I think not." and completely disapears.

[syraikidoka]

How many aikidoka does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well 2 of course, but the trick is getting them in there.

[John Boswell]

:rolleyes: *moan*

[batemanb]

How many aikidoka does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well 2 of course, but the trick is getting them in there.

What if you're doing a ninin dori or sanin dori :blush:

[syraikidoka]

What if you're doing a ninin dori or sanin dori

Hey, who am I to judge?

[bryce_montgomery]

Hey...what do you get hanging from a mango tree?...

Give up?...

Sore arms!...

...yeah, I'm following John...

Bryce

[Steve Mullen]

okay that last joke took me way too long to get *hangs head in shame*

this isn't really a joke but i thinks its kinda funny, its a sign i saw at a bar we frequently visit after training

No smoking around the bar, anyone caught smoking will be deemed to be too drunk to read this sign....................... anyone deemed too drunk will be refused service

[pezalinski]

:rolleyes: *moan*

:p some of these jokes are kinda *koan-y*

[Tim Gerrard]

Saw a "No-Fear" T-shirt with this on it:

"If you drink and drive, you're a bloody idiot." and on the back "but if you make it home, you're a legend."

[batemanb]

I thought that this was funny, but thought it even funnier that someone had to explain how to read the joke, just in case you didn't get it. Kinda like the only time I ever saw America's most wanted, they explained every clip in detail before showing it - what's the point? Anyways, here it is in it's original format, apologies

THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who wasvisiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

> >Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)

> >Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

> >Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

> >Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

> >Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)

> >Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

> >Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

> >Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)

> >Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

> >Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

> >Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the ! routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

> >Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

> >Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.

> >Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

> >Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

> >

> >Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

> >Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

> >Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

> >Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

> >Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

> >Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

> >Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

> >Judge #3-- I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my @ss with a snow cone.

> >

> >Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)

> >Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

> >Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

> >Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

> >

> >Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)

> >Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

> >Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have!

reacted to really hot chili?