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suebailey
12-30-2003, 10:04 AM
Hi

here goes my other half who ive been with for almost 3 years now wanted me to quit my martial arts thai boxing and aikido now I abliged cos I love him htat much even though i was doing very well expecially in thai boxing.

now just last night he was speaking ot a good fiend of mine who owns a martail arts gym called Combat Forum in sunderland and he now wants to takeup judo I said to him that he was been hypacritiacl as he got me to quit cos he didnt like that sort of violanceeven though i told him it wasnt violence it was a controled sport just like Skydiving which we both do.

do you lot think Im been unreasonable saying this to him males and femails advice welcome pls!

John Boswell
12-30-2003, 10:23 AM
Why not use his interest to just open the door to getting back into your previous martial arts? or even join in his classes?

If he's being a chauvanist (sp?) and just doesn't want a "woman" to be doing martial arts, well... he's either gotta suck it up and accept you for who you are or not. But if he's feeling insecure that you know more about self defense than he does, than just encourage him to start his own deal and be open to you continuing your training.

Relationships are all about sharing and compromise is a part of that. Before drawing lines in the sand... try to get him to share his ideas more. Communication is a good thing. ;)

Janet Rosen
12-30-2003, 10:31 AM
Speaking as a middle aged woman who is looking forward to her 25th wedding anniversary married to a man who does not like that I train in aikido (to the extent that he considered giving me an ultimatum when he realized I was planning to return to training after my knee surgery.....) but who lives with it: my first gut level reaction is to tell you to lose the man. My second, more considered response is to ask, why would he "insist" that you stop doing something that enriches your life? Why would you accept this without at least making it a springboard for a THOROUGH examination of why he objects, why its important to you, and what it really means in terms of your relationship?

JasonB
12-30-2003, 10:56 AM
Just Irimi Nage him.

Qatana
12-30-2003, 12:14 PM
Sue

When i was young i was married to a man who wouldn't let me take Dance classes because

" If you are doing somethng that makes you feel good about yourself you will leave me".

So i did.

Anat Amitay
12-30-2003, 12:38 PM
When I started going out with my husband- to- be, And we saw that we really loved each other, I asked him one simple thing- "never ask me to quit Aikido".

What makes your life rich should continue to do so. It will only enrich your partnership, because if you are happy doing what you love, you will radiate that happiness on your life and those around you.

A person that can't accept their partner doing an MA is selfish. One shouldn't make their loved ones lose what they do and what makes them feel good, vice versa.

That's just my two pennies.

Anat

Nacho_mx
12-30-2003, 12:42 PM
dump him

Goye
12-30-2003, 12:59 PM
Some time ago, a girlfriend I had wanted me to make a desition, Aikido or her. I told her Aikido is a very important part of my being, like my head or heart. Also told her that I met Aikido before I met her and was going to be as loyal to aikido as to her, finally I asked her to make a desition me (with my Aikido) or no one. She made the correct desition,… has been more than a year I don´t see her. :freaky:

Every body has important and special things that became part of the life, in a relationship we have to understand that if there is something good for the other person we have to respect that.

Happy New Year,....

Maybe you should get an Aikidoka!!!,.. ups!,.. no,.. just kidding talk to him!:D

shihonage
12-30-2003, 01:10 PM
We all make mistakes.

I think you should let it go this time and give him a chance to grow.

At least he's trying to do something.

Let him take Judo, hope he likes it, then resume your Aikido/boxing training.

Of course, this might be simply temporary.

You may settle this in regarding to martial arts, but then you will want to start taking ice skating lessons (or whatever) and he will tell you not to take it because you get to interact with other men there.

He might simply not understand things until he gets dumped and has some time alone to think about the past.

But he probably deserves a chance to understand, before you resort to that.

So let him enjoy Judo, restart your martial arts training, and see what happens.

Some time ago, a girlfriend I had wanted me to make a desition, Aikido or her.

She got tired of you rolling around on the carpet and decided to buy a real vacuumer ? :)

Goye
12-30-2003, 02:04 PM
She got tired of you rolling around on the carpet and decided to buy a real vacuumer ?
Hi Aleksey!. No,.. I think she got tired of my lovely kotegaeshi,,...

vanstretch
12-30-2003, 02:15 PM
i have been to a few seminars and have noticed some of the wives of the high ranking dans and noticed that they look bored with it all. it was disheartening to see but I wondered if they were just having a bad day, or what, but they just appeared apathetic to it all. I felt bad about it and am just wondering if these wives may feel resentful that the seminar takes away from their time. am I off base anyone? if so sorry,just a gut feeling. thanks and advise.

Goye
12-30-2003, 02:26 PM
She got tired of you rolling around on the carpet and decided to buy a real vacuumer ?
Hi Aleksey!. No,.. I think she got tired of my lovely kotegaeshi,,...

Janet Rosen
12-30-2003, 03:06 PM
i have been to a few seminars and have noticed some of the wives of the high ranking dans and noticed that they look bored with it all.
It took my husband and I a couple of yrs to sort out (decades before I started aikido) but basically if one of us is going to be bored stiff or worse, to a degree that precludes "putting a good face on it," the other goes alone. No resentment, no recriminations, just two happy people content knowing they will meet up together later on.

Note there is a difference between agreeing to go and making the best of it, and agreeing to go and being obviously disengaged--that is; the difference between a relationship of equals who compromise as needed and a relationship based on power differences.

Ted Marr
12-30-2003, 03:13 PM
Well, if he's doing Judo, but doesn't want you doing Aikido, there is something seriously wrong there. DTMFA. Dump The (guy) Already

On the other hand, if you can manage to do martial arts together, then that's a very strong relationship builder.

No question, Aikido can put a strain on a relationship. Just like any other activity that takes a goodly chunk of time away from time spent together. Especially if he is the "jealous type" and thinks about all sorts of strange men grabbing you and suchnot. At least you're not doing any ground fighting...

Last note: I think people solicit this type of advice for two reasons. Either they hope that someone actually has a solution, or they are looking for moral support in a decision they have already made somewhere deep inside. Unless he can drop this as an issue, you already know you're going to dump him.

vanstretch
12-30-2003, 03:39 PM
hi janet, and I see your point and that is great you guys worked out a middle ground with it. I am just someone who noticed the wifes look of boredom and it scared me to wonder; if I get married,IF, would the wife be a "ball n' chain" about my training? I have to wonder. thanks

Liz Baron
12-30-2003, 04:21 PM
I normally stay out of these kinds of conversations, but this time I'll throw my spanner in!

I've been in my current relationship for about ten years, cohabiting for most of that time. Prior to this, we both had independent lives, friends and hobbies. It's been important for both of us that we maintain our separate interests, as well as our joint ones.

The upshot? If I wish to do something that Nick isn't interested in, then like Janet, I do it alone or find another friend who is interested, and do it with them. Nick has the same freedom.

Whoever you are with, it's important to remember that you are an individual too, and frankly, anyone who told me to stop doing something I wanted to do would have to provide an outstanding reason for me to stop.

It's true that relationships are about compromise, but to me there's a difference between compromise and subjugation.

Lan Powers
12-30-2003, 06:02 PM
Lots of very "on the mark" responses in my pint of view.

From sharing time, to power issues, to secure in relationship.... etc. Many pints of view that *ring true* to me.

My wife (12 years....non aikidoka) is just wishing for me to stop getting all excited about the new throw, and having to show her!

Does that sound familiar? Maybe he is just tired of YOUR kotegaeshi.

Just my thoughts.....vague as always!
Lan

sanosuke
12-30-2003, 07:13 PM
Dear Sue,

let him take Judo, meanwhile you re-take your aikido/muay thai and let him see your training, let's see who's more violent.

Dear Cesar,
Some time ago, a girlfriend I had wanted me to make a desition, Aikido or her. I told her Aikido is a very important part of my being, like my head or heart. Also told her that I met Aikido before I met her and was going to be as loyal to aikido as to her, finally I asked her to make a desition me (with my Aikido) or no one. She made the correct desition,… has been more than a year I don´t see her.

same dilemma here, well at least i'm prepared for the consequences.:p
She got tired of you rolling around on the carpet and decided to buy a real vacuumer ?

or maybe she got tired of too much suwari-waza kokyuho each time you want to make love? :D

Jeanne Shepard
12-30-2003, 08:11 PM
Ooohh, If I find an aikidoka lover, will it impact lovemaking?!!!

Can't wait...

Jeanne

PeterR
12-30-2003, 08:59 PM
Sue this is tough;

My wife wants me to do Budo but I wonder how long that would last if I did several hours every day.

Can you cut back in the training a little bit - us guys are fragile beings and feel lonely and left out some times.

Some of us are so fragile we like to control things - this is usually bad news for those we decide to control.

If its the first, talk and compromise.

If its the second, talk, compromise but not enough that the behaviour gets encouraged. I wouldn't toss out a three year relationship so quick as some suggest but I would set limits - if its a good relationship it will last.

Goye
01-05-2004, 07:20 AM
or maybe she got tired of too much suwari-waza kokyuho each time you want to make love?

You got the point,... now I realize that maybe she got bored about me being in seiza 15 minutes before “action” an then 15 more of warming up!, what do you think?:D

Bronson
01-05-2004, 08:36 AM
In one of Dave Lowry's books, Moving Toward Stillness I believe, he recounts a story about a falconer. A man came up to this falconer after watching him with the bird and said that he'd always had an interest in it and could the falconer tell him how to get started. After the falconer told him how much time had to be invested in raising and training the bird the man said he didn't think his wife would let him do it. The falconer responded "get a new wife".

Like Anat I too had the don't-ask-me-to-quit-aikido talk with both my current and ex-girlfriend. The current is ok with it and actually comes to class sometimes (more as a social thing...she likes the people) the ex wasn't ok with it, hence the ex (this wasn't the only problem but it was near the top). Now we are actually good friends and get along much better.

I don't take ultimatums well. For me if somebody forces me to choose they've already shown me what choice to make. One of my first aikido instructors went through something similar with his aikido practice. He was a nikyu (I think) in another style and a gokyu in ours when the other instructor told him that he couldn't study both anymore and had to pick one. Many years later he's still with us.

I'm not saying I think this is the way for everybody to go. I just thought I'd post how it worked out for me.

I think that for most people some sort of compromise can be met. If he's just unhappy because you're spending so much time on the mat would it be possible to cut back some? If however he doesn't want you studying at all then I'd say take a good hard look at everything and be ready to leave one or the other behind.

Bronson

p.s. I've also left jobs because it interfered with aikido too much :blush:

Goye
01-05-2004, 01:25 PM
Bronson, The same for me about jobs,.. Now I’m trying to get a new job and I have had to say no about three times because of Aikido schedule... all this is about setting priorities in life and to be comfortable with life style. Is good to have a good relationship?,.. is good to have a good job?,.. what is good for you?,.. What is a “good relationship” definition?.,.. In more economic terms,… what do you get from doing Aikido,? what do you get from a relationship?, or studying,.. or a job? .. Can those aspects be taken together in your life?,.. Difficult choices,.. Don’t you think?

Some more humor,... see,...

http://wwwest.uniandes.edu.co/~ce-marti/aiki2.jpg

This cartoon was made by a student in my dojo. Her name is Tina Samper,… for those of you who are married,...has this happened to you?;)

Chris Birke
01-05-2004, 03:28 PM
Isn't aikido about not being forced down a path by others. If someone gives you an ultimatum must you respon with a violent act? Do not get drawn into dichotomies that don't necessiarly exist.

Chris Birke
01-05-2004, 03:29 PM
Is leaving the same as approching something new?

Lyle Bogin
01-06-2004, 10:33 AM
Too much training makes life too simple I think.

My wife and I have found a good balance. The thing that I have found to be most important is to be home when I am home. In other words, I pay attention to her as much as I can when I am not training. I almost always cook a nice dinner as soon as I get back from the dojo, and give lots of foot massages. When we are on vacation, I really go on vacation.

Also, if you can find work that makes you feel as if you are directly using your mind/body skills, you are almost in the dojo all day long.

We'll see what happens after our first kid, haha.

Fred Little
01-06-2004, 02:35 PM
Is leaving the same as approching something new?
This is a question that I have wrestled with for a long time.

Leaving presents the possibility of something new, to be sure.

While "running to" implies a destination which may provide a still point amid the tacks to and fro, "running from" is merely a point of departure which doesn't necessarily lead anywhere.

Even so, sometimes it's necessary to leave a bad situation in order to be clear enough to figure out what a good situation might look like.

Case by case.

Fred Little

AsimHanif
01-06-2004, 02:35 PM
Sue - You are a female. You have ALL the power. Use it!

Noel
01-06-2004, 07:03 PM
FWW, I stopped practicing for a few years due to kid + long commute. Now that I've resumed (closer dojo, similar style), the better half (saint that she is) says I'm calmer and more patient than when I was on hiatus.

IMO Sue, if he's not happy with a reasonable committment to something that's a part of your life, you've got some serious stuff to discuss. You won't be the same person, and if it's a control thing, you've got trouble too.

What will allow you to look at yourself in the mirror in 5 or 10 years and think you made the best decision you could have?

Good luck,

-Noel

philipsmith
01-07-2004, 02:17 AM
Finding a work/aikido/life balnce is always difficult.

I agree with Lyle. We expect 100% comittment in the dojo so when at home BE at home, when on vacation BE on vacation.

Also support your partner in whatever he/she does.

In essence compromise, that is the basis for any strong long-lasting relationship.

As my wife says about Aikido "It's just a hobby"; at least that her point of view.

suebailey
01-15-2004, 12:36 AM
thanks for all your help leaving him is not an opption i love him to much as corny as that may sound.

Were taking it up together private lessons and he's said I can rejoin any of my groups i want.

Thanks every one

sue