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10-22-2003, 04:46 PM
hi all, let me throw this out there and see if i can get some responses. i am a cop and am in the process of applying for a new job as a school resource officer. i have learned thru a friend in the know, that this so-called friend of mine ,who i have known and worked with, was asked by a school staff administrator if i would be a good candidate for the job,and the "friend" advised the certain school principal to not choose me. i further have learned that he might want the position but has not put in for it and i am already in the process and hired(for a different school). i am more hurt and angry and am deciding if confrontation would do any good, or a subtle hint that i am privvy to what he said. my girlfriend believes that his intent was pure jealousy and that his endeavors were all in vain. all my aikido training is telling me to let it go,but my ego/pride wants to get back at him. I truly feel betrayed and would like some insight from those that this type of scenario may have happened to. thank you all and keep training. daniel
10-22-2003, 05:07 PM
Sorry to hear about that Daniel, you have to do whats best for your peace of mind but Im not sure what good confrontation would do for you. Except perhaps cause a fight or a deeper rift, personally I would bide my time and wait until this person is vulnerable and then screw them over in a similar manner ( Not very aiki I know, but I was always told that revenge is a dish best served cold).
10-22-2003, 07:44 PM
We all know hatred will beget hatred. The cycle has to end somewhere. I, myself, don't believe in revenge. With me, I do my best to let it go.
It is not easy, it is human nature to be angry. You do need to confront this problem, but not in the way of revenge. If really needed, express your anger at that person. Express the anger, but keep your emotion under control.
Say what is needed to be said. You do have the responsibility to at least inform that his way is a harmful way. Be in anger because you care not because you hate. Teach the lessons that are needed to be learned.
People will say that I talk big, It is too ideal, it can't be done. Well, it could be done. Nothing is impossible. You have gone this far to control yourself; this is a proof of that possibility. Do whatever is possible to resolve this problem without raising more hatred.
The feelings won't disappear, and you will never forget what that person had done to you, but you could forgive and the burden will just get smaller and smaller until it becomes insignificant. If your intentions are good, I do believe justice will come in one way or another, and you will get your just reward in one form or another.
Live your life to the fullest. Whatever happens, give it your best.
10-23-2003, 03:40 AM
Your answer lies in what do you want for your endstate?
Sounds like you will always harbor anger and resentment if you don't talk to your friend.
Maybe you have some of the facts wrong. It is easy to misjudge a situation when you do not have all the facts.
Remember from an aiki standpoint, that an attack is not always what it seems.
If you consider him a friend maybe you should discuss it with him. Maybe he let his emotions temporarily take control of him and he did the wrong thing. At the very least you should probably let him know you are angry and heard that he hurt you. Sounds like your friendship may be over anyway. At least you can clear your mind.
I have read several good books by Thict Nhat Hahn on Anger. I highly recommend them.
It is tough not to want revenge. The only way out of it is to somehow find a way to feel compassion for him. to empathize and understand why he would do something to hurt you. He had a reason for doing it. Need to find out the true reason.
Maybe he is petty. Maybe he is jealous of you. Maybe you have something that he wants, but feels he cannot have. Maybe he feels you did something to him in the past that hurt him and he is getting back at you.
If you can discover the true motivation for his behavior, then you will be on the path to feeling compassion for him.
In the end you may be able to help him with his problem. Then your revenge would be that he feels like a total looser for hurting such a nice guy that still helped him out!
Forgiveness and tolerance does not show personal weakness or cowardice. Quite the opposite...it shows strength and courage!
10-23-2003, 06:22 AM
Sometimes the best way to deal with an attack with an unclear source is to move irimi... go right into it.
Instead of 'confronting' the friend, try a different attitude: discuss. As others have suggested, there may be more than you see.
Talk with the person and try to find out what lies hidden from your eyes.
10-23-2003, 10:45 AM
all my aikido training is telling me to let it go,but my ego/pride wants to get back at him.
I love the fact that we always really do know what the truth is and what we need to do. Follow your own knowing.
Deepest compassion. Betrayal cuts deep.
His actions were a statement about who he is and his code of ethics. Try not to take it too seriously or too personally.
How do you want to feel about yourself? When you look back on today, because this too shall pass, what would give you a sense of pride and honor? Which course of action/response actually serves your ego/pride best?
Again, you already know. We all do if we are honest with ourselves. Sounds like you are.
My compliments to reaching out rather than just reacting. You do your training honor.
10-23-2003, 02:35 PM
Lynn, thanks for your sage advice once again my friend! and everyone else thank you as well. For now i will not confront but just realize. it has been a few days since "the news", but i find myself a little more centered yet still in some shock. i guess the genesis of that shock comes from my naiveness when i pondered that friendship,and how i was more of the initiator of it anyway. ps-thank god for texts like Go-Rin-No-Sho. I am glad Mushashi went into that dark cave to write to me. keep on and thanks again all 4now. daniel
10-23-2003, 11:42 PM
Lynn, thanks for your sage advice once again my friend!
Next time I am in Atlanta visiting my step-daughter and 3 grandchildren, we'll get together for coffee and laugh about this.
10-24-2003, 02:48 PM
abSOULutly. Lynn, please see our website at acza.net and come on by when your here. daniel.
10-24-2003, 03:14 PM
Sorry to hear that you are going through such pain on this subject. It seems to me that your 'friend' isn't really a friend at all. My brother is a cop and I know that there is a brotherhood there and all. I've seen him deal with a situation where his bud wanted him to do a certain shift with him, but it wouldn't work out with my brother and his family. This friend got really upset, but he eventually put it behind him. Now my bro is a sergeant and looking at a few different options as to where he can go.
Is this friend of yours a supervisor? (Sergeant, Lieutenant?) Why did this supervisor approach him?
You need to think things through. I usually try and take a step back and see if there really is something in my character that would lend itself to a response like that from a friend. Do I need to change something? Is there something in myself that is not conducive to certain situations? (I already know that there are some situations that I do not like to be in and for me being a cop would be too much.)
Don't get even. Bad karma always returns unto itself. Get out of that cycle by not continuing it. Maybe this isn't the path you need to go down. Maybe another opportunity will pop up that is much better for you.
Good luck with this. And I hope you find your center and peace along the way.
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