View Full Version : Axis of Evil Wannabbes by John Cleese

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Erik Young
03-14-2003, 08:52 AM
I can't truly vouch for the authorship, but it's a hoot none the less.

by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil",
Libya, China and Syria today
announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they
said would be more evil
than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of
in his State of the Union

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as
having, for starters, a
really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil...in their dreams!"
declared North Korean leader
Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils...best at being
evil...we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
although they conceded they
did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was
full," said Syrian President Bashar
al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained
Iraqi President Saddam
Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you
had Germany, Italy, and Japan in
the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake.
Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift,
as within minutes, France
surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain
triumvirate status in what has
become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia
announced that they had formed
the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and
Myanmar in the "Axis of
Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established
the "Axis of Not So Much
Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable". With the criteria
suddenly expanded and all the
desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda
applied to be called the "Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host
the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But
Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New
Zealand and Spain
established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick".
"That's not a threat,
really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First
Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps
making fun of him, a cautious
Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the
establishment of the "Axis of
Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of
filing a false application.
Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but
privately world leaders said that's
only because no one asked them.

Laugh on,