View Full Version : Wrong time wrong place?

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11-01-2000, 10:01 PM
Ive been training in aikido for almost three years now and have just recently passed my 4th kyu grading.

Well a few weeks ago i went to a
friends birthday party and brought a very attractive young girl with me who i care very much about but she has no idea of her alcohol tolerance (not much experience with drink) anyway getting to the point she drank to much and a good friend (was a good friend) went and took advantage of her right beside me. He knew that there was something between us and he was sober anyway i lost my cool roled him over and started pumeling him, he got up made a lunge at me (by this time friends were trying to pry me off him) and just like magic nikiyo fell into place, well instead of taking my rage out on his arm i turned and ran away resulting in humiliation, a riped shirt and shame.

I havent gone to training since and this was almost a month ago mainly because the guy also trains at my dojo and i guarentee that he went in there with a smile a told some bullshit about how he fended me off with some amazing technique. I feel horrible about what i was going to do but no one alse could see it so i also feel utterly ridiculous.


[Edited by adda on November 1, 2000 at 10:13pm]

11-01-2000, 10:39 PM
First talk to your friend. The longer you let this fester the worse it will get. Second talk to your Sensei privately and see what he reccomends you do as regards to the Dojo.

As for not training because you lost control I would suggest you train yourself to keep control. I have had a similar experience and I would wager everyone else on this forum has as well. Don't let it rob you of the joy of practicing the art. This is just one little setback on the road of life you have to keep traveling.

Hope this helps.


Mike Collins
11-02-2000, 09:30 AM
There is no way out of a bad situation except through.

Go back, train hard, say nothing to him, except an apology for your actions. No doubt he was wrong, but you are not responsible for his actions, only yours.

Walk through this and you'll be much the better for it. Learn. There is no shame in making a mistake, once you've taken responsibility and made proper amends. There is great shame in acting like you are right when you're not.

And when all is said and done, in a hundred years, no one will remember, keep perspective.

11-02-2000, 10:16 AM
I just spent 2 years talking a friend of mine down. He was in a simular situation with someone in his karate dojo. It took two years for him to work through all the emotions, the sense of betrayal that his sensei did nothing to stop the situation and other factors. last night he finaly got up the courage to walk back into the dojo and try to settle the situation but ONLY because the other person involved has moved out of the area and would no longer be there.

Sometimes it's eaiser to face a situation as soon as it happens, get it over with and move on.

But sometimes you have to take a step back and get yourself back to center before you can face the situation.

you didn't just get into a fight Andrew, you got into a fight defending the honor of someone you care about and from the sounds of it you're feeling somewhat guilty as well. You need to go back and deal with the guy but you need to deal with YOU first. If you're still kicking yourself, stop. If you're still mentaly kicking the other guy, stop. If you're mentaly kicking the girl for getting drunk (and kicking yourself for being upset since she didn't know better), stop. Take a deep breath, let it go, get yourself back to emotional center then walk back into the dojo and deal calmly with everyone involved.

11-02-2000, 11:18 AM
My sympathies.

I think you need to sit down and assess the situation, asking yourself these questions.
1. was your girlfriend upset to have been taken advantage of (if, so you should make the purpatrator aware that he upset both of you.)
2.what was it about your training that stopped you continuing for a nikkyo pin? - I am not suggesting being more violent, just practising in the dojo with real situations in mind.

It is likely that your 'friend' may have been embarrassed about the situation and quite drunk himself. Either this or he is not a friend, and you must make him aware that you thought his actions were inappropriate. You need to resolve this or it will eat away at you for years to come.

Don't give up training because of externalities. I am sorry to sound philosophical when you are faced with such a difficult situation; A lesson I learnt quite recently (after 12 years of Aikido) is that you can avoid confronting your problems because of fear of the consequences. At the end of the day you must do what you feel is right - when you do this, no matter what the consequences, you will know the spirit is stronger than the body.

I offer you as much support as I can give with such a trying situation, and I support the advice above.

Whenever I feel things a pretty shit I always like to remember that one day everyone is going to be dead, so there are no ultimate winners or losers.