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shihonage
12-21-2002, 02:57 AM
Okay, I'm fed up with same things being asked over and over, therefore I'm providing this FAQ.

If you've just joined the forums, please read this first before posting a thread !

------- AIKIWEB FORUMS UNOFFICIAL FAQ --

Q: I'm extremely overweight, and I wonder if I can practice Aikido.
A: Yes.

Q: I'm extremely overweight, and I wonder if I can practice Aikido and have my dinner at the same time.
A: Get lost.

Q: Is Aikido effective in a real fight ?
A: Depends on what you mean by "Aikido", "effective", "fight", "real" and "?".

Q: If someone grabs me like that, or punches me like this, what should I do ?
A: Use your heels to stomp their feet, then grab the gun from your purse and shoot yourself.

Q: Hello, I am wondering if Aikido is the art for me.
A: No.

Q: Can I avoid practicing with women ? I am a peaceful citizen of Islam and I do not like women in any form.
A: You're a fag. Homosexuals are prohibited from studying Aikido.

Q: Aikido is too violent, I am a pacifist who likes pretty flowers and I can defeat any enemy by smiling at them gently.
A: You're a fag. Homosexuals are prohibited from studying Aikido.

Q: Hello, I'm being abused by this guy in the dojo, and he makes me cry.
A: You're a fag. Homosexuals are prohibited from studying Aikido.

Q: Hello, I'd like to talk about spiritual side of Aikido's enlightement. It is said that Aikido is a lifelong pursuit and I enjoy grinding the mirror and polishing the stone.
A: I bet you enjoy choking the bishop too. Get away from that mirror and put your pants back on.

Q: I'd like to detach from my ego.
A: You can start by detaching from your computer.

Q: I am a girl and my boobs keep falling out of my uniform.
A: Practice Aikido in zero gravity environment.

Q: What kind of FAQ is THIS ?! I'm offended to the very depths of my soul ! You shall burn in ninth circle of HELL !
A: No I won't.

Q: Yes you will !
A: No I won't.

Q: Yes you will !
A: No I won't times a thousand.

Q: Yes you will times infinite squared !!
A: Damn.

Jim ashby
12-21-2002, 05:41 AM
Nice one Aleksey!!! D'you reckon we can get some different questions now?

Have fun

Bronson
12-25-2002, 11:05 PM
heheheheheh. Good one.

Bronson

Edward
12-25-2002, 11:20 PM
Sounds actually like many of the current threads! Looking forward to part II :)

Cheers!

REK
12-26-2002, 09:36 AM
Raising a pint in your honor, Aleksey!

PRapoza
12-26-2002, 01:24 PM
They must love you in San Francisco.

Lorien Lowe
04-20-2004, 02:36 AM
Huh.
I train routinely with four (openly) homosexual women... their Aikido seems to work just as well as the Aikido of heterosexuals of their respective ranks.

PeterR
04-20-2004, 02:51 AM
Look at the title, read the FAQ - its a joke, taking the piss. More like annoying answers to annoying questions than any deep meaningful insight into whatever.

happysod
04-22-2004, 03:50 AM
Peter, remember the golden rule of aikido - thou shalt not have a sense of humour other than that given to you by Osensei (which means you can laugh at shiho-nage jokes).

------- AIKIWEB FORUMS UNOFFICIAL FAQ addendum --

Q. What is atemi
A. Anything you want it to be, just shut up!

Q. Which style of aikido is best
A. Whichever one I do

Q. I have a problem
A. Just keep training

Q. No seriously, I can't...
A. Just keep training

Q. But..
A. Look, f**k off back to the dojo and keep training

Q. What is Ki
A. Die now, slowly, painfully and in an entertaining manner please

PeterR
04-22-2004, 03:58 AM
:D

I'm in pain and coke is running out of my nose.

Bronson
04-22-2004, 09:51 AM
I'm in pain and coke is running out of my nose.

Breath deeper...that stuff's expensive :freaky:

Bronson

PeterR
04-22-2004, 08:06 PM
I think I'll go hide now :D

kenkid
05-07-2004, 07:52 PM
What about...

What are those black dresses you wear?

Why is the sword wooden?

Is Aikido a good place to meet chicks?

Is there any way to get my black belt faster?

Where is the bloody ki and who lost it?

WylMorris
05-08-2004, 01:06 AM
Why is the sword wooden?
We find it matches the heads of people like you.

Is there any way to get my black belt faster?
Two words: Time Machine.



Q: What is Ki?
A: What isnt Ki?

Q: How do we do this technique?
A: The way it was just shown to you

Q: Is that the Sensei?
A: No, its our cyborg mutant alien overlord! HAIL QUERZLCKH! :hypno:

Q: Why do you call your staff Jo?
A: The same reason we call you "dumbarse"

I've been asked all these questions, or heard them asked to people in my dojo. *Sigh* some people...

Nafis Zahir
05-08-2004, 01:14 AM
Q: Can I avoid practicing with women ? I am a peaceful citizen of Islam and I do not like women in any form.
A: You're a fag. Homosexuals are prohibited from studying Aikido.

[/QUOTE]








I do not appreciate the insult. Many people have this question, as it is a serious matter. Take caution in your tone! :grr:

kironin
05-08-2004, 01:37 AM
Q: What kind of FAQ is THIS ?! I'm offended to the very depths of my soul ! You shall burn in ninth circle of HELL !
A: No I won't.



No, I think that's the ninth circle of Aiki-Hell.

Two below Jun.

Craig
:cool:

shihonage
05-08-2004, 04:16 AM
I do not appreciate the insult. Many people have this question, as it is a serious matter. Take caution in your tone! :grr:

I would've taken caution in my tone, if only this wasn't a 2-year-old post in a "Humor" forum and if the title wasn't an advance warning to the "quality" of the content.

It's really not worth blowing up over.

zachbiesanz
05-08-2004, 10:56 AM
Everything's worth blowing up over.

KAPOWWWWW!!!!!!

Daniel-san
05-21-2004, 06:53 AM
*Breaths deeply* Oh jeeze I haven't laughed that hard in so long. Well done guys. :-D

Lorien Lowe
06-17-2004, 02:59 PM
my reply was meant to be sarcastic, but I think that it's important to remember that not all "jokes" are universally funny. You can't just insult someone (or someone's friends) over and over and then say, 'hey, it was just a joke!' and expect them to keep on believing it.

'course, I'm from California and I know the rest of the country is a little bit backward wrt this subject. ;)

nothingness
06-22-2004, 02:22 AM
Q: How do you apply kuzushi and technics to a resisting opponent?
A: Pull out your gun and force your opponent to do what you want.


*SIGH*. Seriously, if anyone could really help me with this question.

Misogi-no-Gyo
06-23-2004, 03:56 PM
Q: How do you apply kuzushi and technics to a resisting opponent?
A: Pull out your gun and force your opponent to do what you want.


*SIGH*. Seriously, if anyone could really help me with this question.


There are two aspects to Kuzushi balance (shikoku) and breath (kokyu-ho) both of which need to be present to work manipulate a resisting uke along his ki lines.

If you want to get specifics of this, and you can make it down to Los Angeles, try looking up a few of the seniors students at Aikido Doshinokai Dojo, in Culver City. http://www.doshinokai.com

Don't forget to tell them I sent you and that you request the full treatment....

nothingness
06-23-2004, 08:31 PM
Thanks Shaun. I aprreciate it. Is the dojo a sister dojo to ikazuchi by any chance? I live right accross from ikazuchi, but I am currently away in Indonesia for the summer now.

Misogi-no-Gyo
06-23-2004, 08:36 PM
Thanks Shauns. I aprreciate it. Is the dojo a sister dojo to ikazuchi by any chance? I live right accross from ikazuchi, but I am currently away in Indonesia for the summer now.


Laurent,

Yes, Aikido Doshinokai and Aikido Ikazuchi dojos are both Matsuoka Sensei's dojos. If you have a chance, please stop in and visit. Tell them I recommended that you train with Eddy Olandj, or Josh Gold and that you are seeking information on Kuzushi as it relates to Kokyu-ho and shizen-ni... I am sure you have an interesting and awesome practice. Let me know how it goes. If you tell me in advance there is a good chance that I may be in town for a visit, as I visit often.

Enjoy your time abroad.

shihonage
06-23-2004, 08:46 PM
Gentlemen, please don't hesitate to continue your discussion regarding kuzushi in Laurent's own thread about kuzushi (http://www.aikiweb.com/forums/showthread.php?t=5874).

Noel
06-23-2004, 09:03 PM
Ok Aleksey, here's a question I need an answer for:

How do I keep my beer from spilling when I take ukemi? My wife won't let me use my daughter's sippy cups (anymore), and it isn't polite to belch on landing. Any ideas?

Misogi-no-Gyo
06-23-2004, 09:27 PM
Gentlemen, please don't hesitate to continue your discussion regarding kuzushi in Laurent's own thread about kuzushi (http://www.aikiweb.com/forums/showthread.php?t=5874).

Aleksey,

I have spoken a bit about some of these things. These may be found here ---------> My Post on Shikaku (http://www.aikiweb.com/forums/showthread.php?t=5117)

or here ---------> My post on Kuzushi and Shizen-Ni (http://www.aikiweb.com/forums/showthread.php?t=5103)

or here ---------> Much a'do about misogi (building Kokyu power) (http://www.aikidojournal.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=4248&highlight=funekogi)

or my comments here --------->Huh? Did you say connection twice in one sentence? (http://www.aikiweb.com/forums/showthread.php?t=5423)

I am sure that I have posted much more material on these subjects. Any cursory search here or on Aikido Journal should reveal additional thoughts I have taken the time to publicly jot down.

PeterR
06-23-2004, 09:39 PM
Shaun you are injecting seriousness where seriousness shouldn't be (see the thread title) <--- bad Shaun bad.

Noel - try drinking out of a bottle like a real man. All you have to do is keep your thumb on the top during ukemi and make sure you get your mouth over the top real quick afterward.

Belching is kokyu power (very polite).

Misogi-no-Gyo
06-23-2004, 10:26 PM
Shaun you are injecting seriousness where seriousness shouldn't be (see the thread title) <--- bad Shaun bad.

Now, now, Peter-San. That was me being funny - note use of humor in the wording I chose for the URL descriptions. HA-Ha-ha!

shihonage
06-24-2004, 12:17 AM
Ok Aleksey, here's a question I need an answer for:

How do I keep my beer from spilling when I take ukemi? My wife won't let me use my daughter's sippy cups (anymore), and it isn't polite to belch on landing. Any ideas?

Bring it in frozen form, that will fix your spilling problem.

happysod
06-24-2004, 03:04 AM
Noel, alternatively just soak your belt in your favorite tipple prior to class and suck on the ends when necessary.

Shaun, you're a comic genius!

Sue Trinidad
06-24-2004, 12:58 PM
I can't believe nobody has posted this one:

Q: Doesn't that hurt?

I'll leave the answer to your tender mercies.

Noel
06-24-2004, 08:52 PM
I gotta try the belt thing. Otherwise the beer-sicle sounds like just the thing for these hot summer workouts.

BTW Sue, no it doesn't hurt, you still didn't find that nerve for yonkyo.

Robert Jackson
06-24-2004, 11:55 PM
Couple of questions ya'll can probably answer better than me:

Does anyone know anything about my sensei "Soke Hokey".

and

My instuctor has been training for 30 years yet is only a nidan is he qualified to teach me?

happysod
06-25-2004, 04:00 AM
Does anyone know anything about my sensei "Soke Hokey". lol, lol, IMHO (yeah, like people are humble in aikido), YMMV + other assorted bloody abbreviations which add nothing to the post while increasing readability not one jot - he's the younger less well known brother of that martial art's genius and dance floor guru the Hokey Kokyo Shihan. Soke Hokey suffered from not being able to bring his left leg out correctly, but is otherwise technically competent.


My instructor has been training for 30 years yet is only a nidan is he qualified to teach me? No, he's obviously a fraud, deny him immediately and begin a search for a higher, more enlightened one, preferably with patches and a white hakama as everyone knows white hakamas are more spiritually impressive.

Ian [off his meds 'cos its Friday] :crazy:

Oh, almost forgot one - now get back to training (implication, you've stopped practicing as you're now posting on the internet thingy. My duty even though I don't know you is to correct you over this as you're now addicted to posting and will never get back on the mat, also makes me sound wise and mature so I like it)

shihonage
06-25-2004, 04:49 AM
Terrible news !
Soke Hokey is dead.
Preliminary autopsy suggests the death was caused by an addiction to Internet forums known as Aikiweb.

According to late witnesses, the great master has abandoned his Aikido practice because he put a certain forum member on Ignore, and there was no one to remind him to get back on the mat every time he made a post !

Soke Hokey, a former grandmaster of Hokey-do, is succeeded by his son, Okey Dokey, who is known to be pretty low-key.

Keith_k
06-25-2004, 01:40 PM
What a shame that Soke Hokey has passed on. I heard they had a terrible time getting him in the coffin. They put his right leg in, they took his right leg out, they put his right leg in..... :p

Noel
06-25-2004, 05:59 PM
Poor Soke. Did Soke Hokey graduate from Virginia Tech by any chance?

John Boswell
06-26-2004, 11:52 AM
I'm not sure if this is true or not, but my sempai said that sensei told him that his best friend from Japan told him that word on the street is that Soke Hokey was assassinated by the Yakuza! Seems he was teaching the super-secret, direct O'Sensei teachings of "Turnyo Self Aboutinage." It's a highly sophisticated 360' tenkan move... at least, that's what I'm told it was all about.

SHHHHHHUSH! Don't tell anyone! It's an :ai::ki: secret. ;)

happysod
07-07-2004, 11:11 AM
------- AIKIWEB FORUMS UNOFFICIAL FAQ addendum - the long answers--

Q. Does aikido work on the street
A. No, aikido only works on tatami and grass.

Aikido was unfortunately developed in the countryside so street-work was not considered until post WWII. This lead to the controversial split between traditional aikido and Innercity Aikido which holds that the true aikido movement for the modern world is "Nosteppi Onkraks". Traditionalists prefer the much older "breaking wind on hay" movements and claim their fluidity and follow through techniques are still as relevant today as they have ever been.

Q. Doesn't that hurt ?
A. No, that doesn't hurt as Ueshiba sayeth unto the Assamites in his letters to the Philistines that "he who is without ice-cream needs to get to the shops".

While this is a literal translation of the original Dojonese and thus open to several interpretations, it is obvious from other books that I'm unable to recall at the moment but which prove my point that it is our attitude to aikido which determines whether pain exists or not. Practicing aikido with the correct spirit (and earplugs or loud music) means that the sound of pain should never be truly heard within a proper aikido dojo.

Q. Are gradings needed
A. Even I'm not stupid enough to touch that one with a barge pole...

OT - John, your information is incorrect and any future referral to such a ridiculous and obviously mythical technique may result in your pet hamster wearing concrete slippers and your favorite fighting cricket committing seppuka. The Yakuza are not, have never been nor will be in the future ever connected with Soke Hokey or his collection of dojo/gambling halls.

Melissa Fischer
07-10-2004, 04:40 PM
hi, My question is; would this be a good place for me to air my extreme opinions on religious issues and politics even though it has nothing to do with Aikido or the hokey pokey? No one else will listen and I have a lot to say and all the time in the world to say it.
duomo aeriegotno

Kyri Honigh
07-11-2004, 05:31 PM
HAHAHHAHAHAH!!!! Cough!!! aheemmmm....aheeemmmm MUHAHHAHAHAHA!!! Keep it going, keep it going!

NagaBaba
07-13-2004, 11:56 AM
Q: Are there punches in aikido?
A: Yes there are.

Q: So why we donít practice it?
A: Because it is painful, and we, aikido fighters, we donít like pain.

Q: Are there kicks in aikido?
A: Yes there are.

Q: So why we donít practice it?
A: Because hitting somebody with leg is disgraceful, dishonest and humiliating.

Q: Are there effective defenses against kicks in aikido?
A: Yes there are.

Q: So why we donít practice it?
A: Because it is deadly dangerous for attacker.

Q: Can you defend yourself on the street with aikido techniques?
A: yes, you can.

Q: But how come?
A: You must do a tenkan.

Q: Can you defend yourself against a hook?
A: You must do a tenkan.

Q: Can you defend yourself against a series of punches
A: You must do a series of tenkan.

Q: What if those punches would be very fast?
A: You must do a series of very fast tenkans.

Q: Can you defend yourself against a legs take down
A: You must do a tenkan.

Q: Can you defend yourself against a gun?
A: You must do a tenkan.

Q: How we can develop spiritual side of aikido?
A: Slowly.

Q: What is unbendable arm?
A: It is the arm that nobody can bend.

Q: How fast I can get black belt?
A: It depends of the distance to the closest Budo store.

Q: Why in aikido there are so many organizations fighting each other, in spite of beautiful words of Founder
A: Who cares? Better go practice. Let those organizers bite each other.

Q: Can aikidoka cross train?
A: Yes, he can.

Q: But what other MA can I train?
A: It depends of amount of time and money you have.

Q: Oh, by the way, I wonder, is aikido effective on the street?
A: yes, it is.

Q: What happens with a member of the Board that has read FAQ and still asking stupid questions?
A: He gets stupid answers.

Q: What happens with a member of the Board that too lazy to use search function and still asking stupid questions?
A: He gets no answers.

aikido_dragon
07-13-2004, 06:59 PM
:D OMG....I can't stop laughing !!!

shihonage
07-13-2004, 07:09 PM
Hehe, Szczepan , loved the "tenkan" series :D

amberlee
08-08-2004, 05:44 PM
Those were great Aleksey! :D I now have a sore stomach and hot soup all over me. :uch: oh well I had a good laugh ;)

Nick Simpson
08-30-2004, 08:52 AM
"I do not appreciate the insult. Many people have this question, as it is a serious matter. Take caution in your tone!"

What you gonna do? Suicide Bomb him?....

Raziel
10-13-2004, 12:16 PM
Hi all, I'm new to here,

In reply to Szczepan Janczuk,

Q : What if someone drive a car and willing to knock me off?
A : Turn your steering to do a Tenkan.( yes, car can do Tenkan, you saw it many times from car special stun performance)

Q : What if I was chased by a tomahawk missle?
A : You must do a Tenkan.

Q : How do I defence myself from tax offical?
A : You must do a Tenkan

Q : What if my opponent is a very beautiful girl?
A : You must do Irimi.

Tim Gerrard
10-19-2004, 07:36 AM
Q : What if someone drive a car and willing to knock me off?



Ah yes, but in Aikido we hope to end the fight before it starts. ie. Nick his car keys and bottle him before he realises. or rohipnol his drink while he or she's in the toilet....