Practicing Ikea

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[Shadowfax]

Its no big secret that I practice Aikido among my friends and co-workers. Every day I walk into work and soon a conversation something like this occurs....

Manager: "Here comes Cherie, you know she practices that Ikea... hows that coming along?"

Me: "Oh not too bad, my sofa waza is really improving. And you should really see my coffee table technique.":D

Co worker1 :" have you moved up to Futons yet?"

Me: "oh not I'm not nearly ready to test for Futon but I'm seriously considering getting an akita. And I am really working on finding my key. I lost it the other day, in among the pillows I think."

Overly macho male co worker: "Show me some of that Ikea"

Me/shrugs ,"ok", walks over and hold out hand: Co worker takes it acting a bit worried. I make a good strong connection, shake his hand say," nice to meet you", and a very confused and slightly deflated ego slowly walks away..:p

I like practicing Ikea. how about you? :rolleyes:

[Dieter Haffner]

Does you style also include weapon training with the hex key?
http://static.autoblog.nl/images/wp2008/ikea_inbussleutel.jpg

[Shadowfax]

LOl I only wish. No that's a hardware style than what I currently practice. :p someday I would like to try it though. I have a friend who is into that style and he's amazing. We stick with the broom sticks at my Dojo.... erm... store front........

[Karo]

What's currently lacking from my Ikea practice is jiu-waza shelving unit assembly. I tend to follow the instructions too rigidly and can't improvise when a 3in screw is missing from the package :D

My ambition is to one day achieve the secret teachings, where you learn all the shortcuts through the store floor. I hear the most accomplished Ikeadoka are able to get from the Entrance to Exit in 23 seconds, and collect on the way one household item from each section of the store :hypno:

Karo

[Shadowfax]

What's currently lacking from my Ikea practice is jiu-waza shelving unit assembly. I tend to follow the instructions too rigidly and can't improvise when a 3in screw is missing from the package
oh that's fantastic!

We recently had a guest sen-sales-rep visit our store to teach us some of her ways. Man her Show-room-menuchi is amazing!

[Karo]

We recently had a guest sen-sales-rep visit our store to teach us some of her ways. Man her Show-room-menuchi is amazing!

*falls over self laughing*

You killed me. You just killed me ded with this. :D :D :D

Ah, but does she know the ancient Scandinavian rules of "circle, triangle, square" for organizing Kassett storage boxes in small spaces?

Karo

[Shadowfax]

Ah, but does she know the ancient Scandinavian rules of "circle, triangle, square" for organizing Kassett storage boxes in small spaces?

hmmm good question.. I'll have to ask at our next meeting.

I'll be careful not to offend him lest I be chosen to take ukemi and become very thoroughly blendered with the door mat..:p

[Josh Lerner]

It is now becoming a well-known fact, via forums such as this one, that modern Ikea is only a mere shadow of what the founder intended. It is missing something that has been Hidden In Plain Sight all along - the powerful internal energy that drives all technique, without which Ikea becomes a meaningless shell, a mere shadow of its true potential.

In short, no meatballs = no Ikea.

Sure, most people are satisfied eating a cheap hotdog and chips on the way out. Especially after getting lost in the veritable jungle of possibilities that comprises modern Ikea. But we have to ask ourselves - did the Founder live off of hotdogs, or meatballs?

Josh

[Karo]

I understand what you're saying, Josh, but remember that Ikea can be different things to different people. Some are satisfied if they get a hot dog and a cinnamon bun with their EKTORP sofa and armchairs set, and have no interest in meatballs.

On the other hand, I have to say that the meatballs of today are not the Meatballs of Yore. They have been cheapened and watered down by overly wide application to places that may not have been ready to appreciate their complex and deep flavors. Too often nowadays we find young Ikea practicioners who think they know all about The Scandinavian Way because they had $6.99 meatball plate once on their way out the store.

And, harsh as it may sound, I think American Ikea has lost its True Kött-Budo Spirit. At least in European Ikeas they still put dried onions on the hot dogs.

Karo

[Kevin Leavitt]

I was wondering what you thought about mixing Ikea with other things? I mean, I have a set of BIlly Bookshelves, and I also have another set that seems like they would work good together with the Billy Bookshelves.

Do you think that this is Okay, or will it hurt me in the long run?

[Shadowfax]

In short, no meatballs = no Ikea.

Sure, most people are satisfied eating a cheap hotdog and chips on the way out. Especially after getting lost in the veritable jungle of possibilities that comprises modern Ikea. But we have to ask ourselves - did the Founder live off of hotdogs, or meatballs?

Oh my! Thank you for the perfect topper to a great night of training.

Speaking of jungles of possibilities tonight techniques focused on the various ways to enter and blend with a revolving door...aka Ushiro Tekubitori.....
I found it particularly difficult to make the sudden changes of direction required in the Kot-racke-gaeshi version. I kept finding myself back outside the building rather than managing to actually get inside. Perhaps I needed more meatballs or maybe a bigger key?

You know the crazy thing is I have yet to step into an actual Ikea store... and today ,of all days, I get one of their catalogs in the mail.

[dps]

Idea for a new thread:

"Is IT Missing In Everybody's Ikea ?"

Do we need outsiders like Walmart to help put IT back into Ikea?
They have Subway's meatball subs.
David

[Shadowfax]

While Subways meatball subs are certainly enjoyable and have their advantages they really fail to promote the sense harmony with the digestive tract that Ikea's unique flavors provide. While certainly a $5 footlong is a quick means to end the hunger conflict it has far more potential to cause damage to the eater. Ikea produces a far more lasting and satisfying result. Not to mention it can create harmony in your living space as well as helping you find your own inner style.

[Garth Jones]

The deep problem with modern Ikea is that it is made from particle board with only a picture of the real thing on the outside. If you try to do modern Ikea with waterfall misogi, for example, it will swell, warp, and fall apart.

And worse, there is no real connection between the parts, just cheap screws. Our shoe rack by the dojo door is falling apart because of this problem. If our shoe rack is not strong, how can our Ikea be strong?

[Kevin Leavitt]

Well I am not sure about "IT", but I think MMA is in Ikea. I was doing some Ikea a few weeks ago and, yes....they do have Mixed Mobile Accessories in their various dojo spaces.

[dps]

The deep problem with modern Ikea is that it is made from particle board with only a picture of the real thing on the outside. If you try to do modern Ikea with waterfall misogi, for example, it will swell, warp, and fall apart.

And worse, there is no real connection between the parts, just cheap screws. Our shoe rack by the dojo door is falling apart because of this problem. If our shoe rack is not strong, how can our Ikea be strong?

Are you saying modern Ikea has no internal strength?

David

[dps]

http://pilp.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/ikea-meatball-by-lunchbreath.jpg

[Kevin Leavitt]

LOL that is too funny David. But where is the Key? Does it really exist?

[akiy]

Hi folks,

I just wanted to step in to encourage people to please try to steer this discussion back to Ikea.

If you feel the need to move this subject to a broader context outside of Ikea, please take it to the Open Discussions (http://www.aikiweb.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=14) forum.

Thank you,

-- Jun

[Shadowfax]

LOL that is too funny David. But where is the Key? Does it really exist?

Key cannot be seen... only felt. Which is why I am having such a hard time finding mine amongst all the sofa cushions.It does not help at all that I am continually tripping over the footstools while attempting to assemble the various parts that came packed in those silly flat boxes. Fortunately the Skydda mattress is deep so I'm not getting hurt when I land.

Our shoe rack by the dojo door is falling apart because of this problem. If our shoe rack is not strong, how can our Ikea be strong? ROTFL!

Really it all comes back to the hex key. If we learn to use its power our shoe rack can become strong.

David you have gone above and beyond! Awesome illustration you have helped me to understand the meatball waza immensely now I can see how all of the parts form a whole.:D

[Janet Rosen]

Hi folks,

I just wanted to step in to encourage people to please try to steer this discussion back to Ikea.

If you feel the need to move this subject to a broader context outside of Ikea, please take it to the Open Discussions (http://www.aikiweb.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=14) forum.

Thank you,

-- Jun

ROTFLMAO!!!! Jun, this is the funniest thing you've posted since "nobody expects a ki war." THANK YOU!!!!!

[Garth Jones]

Are you saying modern Ikea has no internal strength?

David

Well, it has some, but much less than what appears on the surface. It's why modern Ikea doesn't really work on the street, especially in the rain. Also, modern Ikea is really not very good in a swimming pool. Under a roof, treated gently, it's okay....

[Ron Tisdale]

Jun,

:D:D:D:D:D

B,
R (oh, did I say :D)

[Kevin Leavitt]

But Ikea IS strong. Once you use the Key and you get all the parts connected and wired together correctly. There are ways to test this strength too. Sitting on the Chair for instance is a good test.

You must sit the right way though. if you lean back, are off balance, or attempt to move it putting too much weight on any one leg, well then it is not so strong and it will break.

Once it breaks, you cannot fix it again. The does a clear job showing that unified it is strong. However, once the structure becomes weak...no about of "glue" will keep it strong enough to be useable.

[Shadowfax]

What have I started?:freaky:
Jun you had me going I was trying to figure out where we got off topic!:D

I was wondering what you thought about mixing Ikea with other things? I mean, I have a set of BIlly Bookshelves, and I also have another set that seems like they would work good together with the Billy Bookshelves.

Do you think that this is Okay, or will it hurt me in the long run?

Meant to come back to this sooner.

One of my fellow Ikeadokka is also practicing Feng Shui and it seems that occasionally she does get a little mixed up between the two kinds of movements. But she does say she enjoys both and believes the two can compliment one another in time. Personally I think it would be best to get a solid foundation in your Ikea before accessorizing with the Billy bookshelves so as to keep you from being as confused.

I was telling my co worker today, about last nights revolving door waza and he offered the opinion that Home Depot was superior. After a careful check of the weather... its not raining:p .... I told him we should certainly test that theory out. He declined the invitation though.

[dps]

I must confess, I once purchased Ikea furniture some twenty years ago but have not since. I only recently thought of purchasing it again. Am I a fraud for posting in this thread?

David

[Janet Rosen]

I must confess, I once purchased Ikea furniture some twenty years ago but have not since. I only recently thought of purchasing it again. Am I a fraud for posting in this thread?

David, there's only one thing to do: stop asking questions or reading reviews of furniture, get out there and check out a couple of local Ikea stores, see which one has the best meatballs, and make your choice!

[Erick Mead]

No, you all have it wrong.

IT can all be seen the close analysis of this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY_Yf4zz-yo&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo.google.com%2Fvideosearch%3Fq%3DSwedish%2Bchef%2B%26hl%3D en%26emb%3D0%26aq%3Df&feature=player_embedded

It shows the meatball essence of Ikea, expressed in the fundamental structural intent of Ikea found in the Myorkmork-undo

It is proven to be the real Ikea-do by the exhibition of the ancient koryu weapons practice at the beginning.

You are all headed full speed in the wrong direction.

:p

[Kevin Leavitt]

But if I push on the meatball, how would you model that Erick in engineering and physics?

[Erick Mead]

But if I push on the meatball, how would you model that Erick in engineering and physics?The true meatball is immune to a push --- Silly boy, if you got out and tried pushing some real meatballs around you would know this ...
:D

[Ron Tisdale]

It Has To Be Felt.

And now I leave you all with the idea in your head of feeling up a meatball... :eek:

God that was horrible... :D
B,
R

[Kevin Leavitt]

I think you have to feel the weight meatball in the crotch area. oh no...me too Ron.

[Janet Rosen]

The true meatball is immune to a push --- Silly boy, if you got out and tried pushing some real meatballs around you would know this ...
:D

You have to surround it with vector waves of soft unbendable spaghetti....do NOT use elbow pasta!

[Erick Mead]

I think you have to feel the weight meatball in the crotch area. oh no...me too Ron. Ron, Kevin, please. you know better.. The meatball in the hand or in the crotch is but a partial understanding -- you must put on the full meatball suit.

And while Janet is correct, elbows are strictly to be avoided -- the only possible pasta that goes with the suit is the bowtie.

[Shadowfax]

So this brings us to the big question....

Is Ikea really about the furniture or is it about the meatballs?

[dps]

So this brings us to the big question....

Is Ikea really about the furniture or is it about the meatballs?

Both.
To have a place to sit and eat your meatballs.
But if it isn't O'Sensei's Ikea-do this may happen to your meatball? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMJVVkxMO5U)

David

[Erick Mead]

Enough of this philosophical mumbo-jumbo.

"How many Kami fit in a flat pack?"

Sheesh, we need more some practical training suggestions -- or -- equipment reviews.

I, personally, feel it is the key to proper practice to look the part in order to express the essence of ikea:

http://www.aikiweb.com/gallery_data/505/medium/ikeadogi.jpg

[thisisnotreal]

This thread is awesome.

+6

...LMAO..

[Janet Rosen]

Sheesh, we need more some practical training suggestions -- or -- equipment reviews.

Ok.
The futon: a lousy weapon, I can't even pick it up, in OR out of the box.
The lamp: nice heft, good balance - recommend removing flimsy electric cord as it will tangle around your ankle and hakama - but ultimately disappointing as it shattered on uke's head.
Side table: very very good weight and heft for doing two handed cuts and basic kata. The four legs give it a lot of flexibility both for changing direction of attack and also striking multiple attackers at once.
The meatballs: excellent atemi lobbed randomly at uke.

[Erick Mead]

Ok.
The futon: a lousy weapon, I can't even pick it up, in OR out of thebox. ... Obviously, you are lacking in I-S ("ikea-strength"). You need more meatballs....
The meatballs: excellent atemi lobbed randomly at uke. -- a key element here is doing the necessary solo work -- putting sufficient flour and sugar in the original sauce -- so that they stick -- thus does one achieve "lingering meatball" -- the supreme expression of zanshin

[Janet Rosen]

I still don't like their meatballs as well as my own chicken katatori.

[Erick Mead]

I still don't like their meatballs as well as my own chicken katatori.You presume too much on the limits of even an o-pun forum ...

[Shadowfax]

You presume too much on the limits of even an o-pun forum ...

Au contra ire. I believe this is a good example that shows that Janet ins not just following someone elses Ikea-do but she is making her Ikea her own. :p

[GMaroda]

Wait a minute, you folks actually think the futon is a weapon? Obviously you haven't been studying the socio-historical background of Ikea!

The futon is a device to practice nap-waza, preferably after eating meatballs and lugging flatpacks around.

[Karo]

Weapons, ja? Very well.

My weapons, let me show you them:

http://lh3.ggpht.com/_1VOzZOIMs9Y/SoEBbR78odI/AAAAAAAAAZQ/D3zyA0Ds95Q/s400/ikea_bokken.jpg

Karo

[Erick Mead]

Weapons, ja? Very well.

My weapons, let me show you them:
Karo
Nø, nø, nø. Øur weåpon is feår.

Feår ånd surprise....

Øur TWØ weåpøns are ... feår, surprise, ånd å ruthless efficiency, ...

Øur THREE -- weåpøns -- åre feår -- surprise -- å ruthless efficiency -- ånd ån ålmøst fånåtical devøtiøn tø the...

Ågh! -- I'll cøme in ågåin ... .

(Nøbødy expects the Swedish Inquisitiøn ... )
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The above is among the esoteric mantras dwelling on the root køtødåmå "ÅØ!" of the ikeaverse mandala --


One must recite the root køtødåmå -- with strong ikea -- when one has experienced the sudden, sharp communion with the weapons of ikea. Thusly:

"ÅØ!" "ÅØ!" "ÅØ!" "ÅØ!" "ÅØ!" "ÅØ!"

[Ron Tisdale]

Yuk yuk yuk...I love Monty Python. You'da thought I'd grow out of that, but no.... :D
B,
R (I can't think of a pun right now...)

[Patrick Hutchinson]

Not strictly about Ikea, sorry.
My friend has a hard time remembering what I do, and asked me how the "Kudos" was going.
The next time she asked me was I still doing "Fondue."
Brings new meaning to the idea of sticky-hands...

[Erick Mead]

Yuk yuk yuk...I love Monty Python. You'da thought I'd grow out of that, but no.... :D Well, ... they never did .. and it ended up killing Graham Chapman ... so what chance does that give us, really.... :p

[Karo]

(Nøbødy expects the Swedish Inquisitiøn ... )

Now you have me pining for the fjørds... :D

Karo

[dps]

Wasn't Ikea originally a Viking store where they served spam (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anwy2MPT5RE)

[repTABOR]

I'm seriously considering getting an akita.
One of my friends asks me about my Akita all the time and of course I'm always more than happy to tell her all about it. I keep mentioning Akita to my mom as well, but she doesn't seem as interested, probably because she already has four Miniature Pinschers. Some of her friends even call her "Min Pin Patty," because she loves her min pins so much. I can somewhat relate to her enthusiasm because I wrestled in high school, but the concept of a four min pin seems a bit foreign to me since our rounds only lasted for three min.
I am really working on finding my key.
My instructor's name is Lach and he's more in tune with his key than I can possibly believe. In any technique he performs, he always adds just a little bit of extra twist for good measure. In fact, one of his reasons for liking Aikido so much is that he felt it was calling out to him, because there are no punches and no kicks, but plenty of lachs.

At the beginning of each practice when he tells the class to get on the mat, a swarm of female students all swarm around and group hug me, which is perfect form if you ask me. I may be a tad biased though, because I'm a long time admirer of the female form.

[Anne-Marieke van Rooij]

Excuse me for kicking this topic.
Let me humbly introduce myself: Anne, black belt in mastering Ikea assembly :cool:
I rule! evileyes

[Erick Mead]

Excuse me for kicking this topic.
Let me humbly introduce myself: Anne, black belt in mastering Ikea assembly :cool:
I rule! evileyes:) Sadly, Anne-Marieke it is plain that you have been led terribly astray -- and have not had the opportunity to come up to speed on the current debates on the True Ikea -- on which, of course, there can be no debate, unless of course you already agree with those in the discussion -- in which case you can debate all you want, as long as there is no disagreement about Ikea that needs discussing. Because all disagreeable discussion is useless and all it take is one touch of true Ikea to end all debate -- and much of the warranties, also ... and on which there is much ... discussion.

But to move on to the true Ikea ...

Clearly, you are doing your assembly externally. The true Ikea is internal. External art is less painful and less worthy than taking the shortest internal route to the hara, and there is only one such path. This is the sign of all true seekers of Ikea. Acceptance of this internally will deeply change you and your ways of assembly. All external assembly arts merely pretend to be the True Ikea -.... and this is also the mark of deeply inferior marital art, -- and also of martial art...

Ikea has to be worked deeply into you so it changes you -- and then Ikea just assembles itself. It involves much solo work, but only if you have been give in hands-on training by those who are known to have had Ikea in them. Ikea involves maintaining the contradictory colors of blue and yellow -- worked in spiral oppositions -- on motorized driveshafts -- and with door-hinges that hit people and make them cry -- or so it is said by those who say that of other people who say how many people say how much Ikea that they are full of ...

:D ;)

[Anita Dacanay]

I just read this entire thread while drinking my morning coffee, and want to thank you all for starting my day with a laugh.

However, now I am feeling very sad, because I myself have never known the true Ikea. I admit to having wasted years searching for the essence of Ikea in... Target practice.

[Anne-Marieke van Rooij]

Dear Eric,

It took quite some time to respond to your post. Most of that time I was ROTFLOL and re-re-reading it. Thank you so much for giving me so much insight into the deepest thoughts concerning the True Practice. I truly and humbly would like to thank you for putting me back to my bare feet into the clay soil of the town I was born.

Seriously, I just wish you could understand the answers I would give on your post in Dutch, however .... translating my True Feelings on the Insights I got from you all still gives me some trouble.

Domo arigato
Anne

[Anne-Marieke van Rooij]

I just read this entire thread while drinking my morning coffee, and want to thank you all for starting my day with a laugh.

However, now I am feeling very sad, because I myself have never known the true Ikea. I admit to having wasted years searching for the essence of Ikea in... Target practice.

Well, dear Anita, what colour is your screen after this experience ;)

You're always welcome to join me and be a welcome guest to my household as I only live a 15 minute drive away from the nearest Ikea store. It will only take a modest 12 hr journey to get here, but just imagine the life-long experience you could gain from that.

[Shadowfax]

Dear Eric,

I truly and humbly would like to thank you for putting me back to my bare feet into the clay soil of the town I was born.

Anne

Wait... does this mean that you are a direct student of the founder of Ikea, Ingvar Kamprad?

Anyone care to explain how the ranking system works? Test requirements and so forth?

Seriously.. glad you are all still enjoying this thread.

[Anita Dacanay]

Thanks for the invitation, Anne. I would be honored to make such a pilgrimage... as soon as I can afford the airfare!

[Lorien Lowe]

Have been trying (and failing) to laugh quietly b/c my housemate is asleep...

[Peter Goldsbury]

Here, down in the west, we do not have ikea, only nitori, which has a distinct advantage: you always have to practise with two ukes all the time. :D

[oisin bourke]

Here, down in the west, we do not have ikea, only nitori, which has a distinct advantage: you always have to practise with two ukes all the time. :D

Nitori is the Japanese version of Ikea and as such is too restricted by antiquated Kata-based assembly methods to develop into true Ikea.:D

[Peter Goldsbury]

Nitori is the Japanese version of Ikea and as such is too restricted by antiquated Kata-based assembly methods to develop into true Ikea.:D

But what about Nadep and Nafco? Surely they reach the secret parts that Nitori, and obviously Ikea, cannot penetrate. :D

[Erick Mead]

But what about Nadep and Nafco? Surely they reach the secret parts that Nitori, and obviously Ikea, cannot penetrate. :DNay, sir.

Only one has abandoned false doctrine and now adopted the True Path -- fully conforming themselves to the ineffable Way:

769

[Shadowfax]

Well....

And then there is this guy...:D

https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-0/q81/s480x480/13000371_10153883393393277_3591202623503390594_n.jpg?oh=a8c500cf00323751071deb06 caab68bb&oe=57B10A61

[Eamon]

My wife is practises Ikea. She's a blackbelt for sure!