Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

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[Fellow Aikido student.]

Don’t know how many people this has happened to, but recently I have started to get a bit too “comfortable” with a girl at Aikido.
I really enjoy training with her, more so than with any other Uke. The main problem is I have started to develop feeling towards her and they are only getting stronger with time.
I find that the attraction is distracting me during my Aikido training and even at work and at home.

I am considering getting advice from my Sensei, not sure if telling the girl how I feel is appropriate. I don’t want to loose what we already have.

[Aikibu]

All I can say is trust your own heart. If your feelings and her feelings are genuine let nature take it's course. I know many happy couples that met in the dojo; and it's a blessing to able to share and enjoy something you both love together.

God Bless and Good Luck.

William Hazen

[Marie Noelle Fequiere]

Awwwww.....This is so sweet.
Maybe training with her will force you to work on your concentration more. Just try to mentally "blank" her as you are practicing together. Then, after class, try chatting with her a little. See how she reacts. Work from there. Next month, there will be Valentine's day.....
My best wishes to both of you.;)

[Neal Earhart]

I met my wife at the Dojo back in 1990...been married since 1995...

Good luck !

[:-)]

I had a similar issue, it was hard at first and still is to an extent.
I have learnt to focus on other things, rather than trying not to think about the problem at hand.

Who knows, maybe in time things will work out.

[Walter Martindale]

All of the above.
But if she says "No." - it means "No." and you must respect it and get over your attraction. She may be there to train and only to train. No doesn't mean maybe or ask again.

"Yes." on the other hand, can be a good thing if it lasts and lasts. However if it doesn't last it can be messy.
W

[Fellow Aikido student]

Thanks for all the above advice.

I think I need to learn how to clear my mind and focus on what I am doing. I also need to be patient and not try to rush things or be too eager.

I think it has become obvious to her that I like her now, she has started to call me by little nick names (I won't say what they are so I can remain anonymous) and is talking to me more then before.

I don't want to be misreading the situation, she may simply enjoy my company. I would be happy to be friends with her as I enjoy being around her, but I'm not sure how I can ask her on a friendly date without it seeming like more than that.

If I can only get to know her more outside the dojo I can decide if I want to simply be friends or more than that.

[Janet Rosen]

Why not try to get a few dojomates out after training for (beer, snack, coffee as appropriate) including her in the group? "Safer" than just asking her out alone in terms of you feeling you don't want to step over that line yet.

[James Davis]

It's just a question. Ask. It's better that you know than wonder about it for the rest of your life. I know how much rejection can hurt, but it sure beats feeling like a coward after you pass up your chance.

If you go the route of inviting her out with friends, there is the small chance that she makes apparent her feelings for someone else in attendance. Practice keeping your center, and your poker face.;)

When it comes to women, we don't have to be scared, just obedient. :D

[DonMagee]

I'd do a bad technique. If she stops you and tells you it was horrible, then it is love :-) If she falls down anyways, then it was never meant to be.

Just kidding. But there is never any harm in going for it. You only ever live once.

[Fellow Aikido student]

lol, I do allot of bad techniques, not on purpose though. She does correct me on occasions, but generally I think she is amused by my clumsiness as she is a bit clumsy as well.

She is also amused when she inflicts pain on me during a technique. I don't mind, I just give back as much as I receive.
The funny thing is I miss the pain when other people do soft techniques on me.

As for asking her how she feels about me, I am a bit shy, so that is a hard thing for me to do. I just hope I can build up the courage to do so before I loose my mind.

[Jeff Sodeman]

I'm also married to someone I met on the mat.

[Fellow Aikido student]

I am treating this issue as a great way to develop my patience, as I am letting nature take its course and not pushing things too hard at the moment.

Two months ago I found it hard to talk to her, now we talk more openly and she has also broken the touch barrier, and places her hand on my arm or shoulder when saying hello or goodbye.

We have developed a good harmony in training and I hope this can translate to outside the dojo.

Carpe diem

[Ron Tisdale]

We have developed a good harmony in training

Gotta love keiko...

B,
R :)

[gdandscompserv]

and places her hand on my arm or shoulder when saying hello or goodbye.
And good atemi.:D

[phitruong]

And good atemi.:D

only work if he doesn't know how to deal with katate-dori menuchi. a much better approach would be katate-dori lean-her-face-in-close-and-headbutt to beat all romantic notion out of him. of course if he can counter that with an uchimata then he's back in the romantic business. but then she would counter with yoko sutemi, then he would be head-over-heel in love. :D

[Eric Webber]

Some things to consider are what impact will it have on your aikido practice, the dojo and the other person's training?

When I've dated someone at the dojo I've kept strict rules that we are aikidoka on the mat, and that our personal relaionship cannot affect that as it may get dangerous (loss of focus, concentration, getting sloppy with technique due to starry eyes or firey eyes, depending how the previous night went...). I am just a bit cautious about this sort of thing b/c of the overall impact it tends to have on all parties.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with sharing with the indicated girl an interest in getting to know her off the mat, perhaps coffee, beer, or some other personal activity that allows you to chat without it necessarily being a "date," which can help with the shyness factor.

Best of luck, let us know how it works out!

...okay - curiousity has the best of me - is she your junior or senior student and by how much (i.e. time, rank, etc.)?

[Fellow Aikido student]

She has been at the Dojo about 3 years longer than I have. I don’t want to say too much otherwise I will no longer remain anonymous.

As for the "starry eyes" and the distraction, that has already started. I think that I am more distracted when not training with her then I am when we train together.

On several occasions I have subtly tried to avoid her during tanning, but we still always end up partners at least once, and more then often two or three times in the same class.

I must admit that when I train with her I feel on top of the world, and If I had my way I would always train with her, but it is encouraged to train with a large cross section of students at our Dojo.

P.S. She seems to be less subtle in indicating that she likes me lately. I have to do or say something soon before this gets out of hand. (I may just be imagining things)

[phitruong]

On several occasions I have subtly tried to avoid her during tanning,



Freudian slip? :D

wonder if there is a ukemi for Freudian slip?

[Guilty Spark]

Not a big fan of Dojo romances. It's nice to see and hear from people who have married someone the met on he mat, a close friend of mine who was a white belt ended up marrying a black belt (who was13 when they met).

It's good when things go well. It's horrible when they don't. I fell victim to the latter.

Best advice I can give is keep it off the mat. Hide it. If the both of you do decide to pursue anything then don't let on about it at the Dojo at all.

[Stanley Archacki]

Be careful that you don't get to a point that you're going to Aikido practice just to see her. That's not good for anyone involved, and if it becomes obvious to the other students or your sensei, I would think it is disrespectful to the dojo, even if everyone else is too polite to say anything.

If you can make things happen off the mat, best of luck to you. But remember, Aikido is not about you. Don't draw undue attention to yourself.

[James Davis]

Dude, just ask her to dinner as a classmate. If things go well, ask her out on a date.

Or just give up and be scared.

One of these courses of action is guaranteed to not get you what you desire.

Roll the dice, or leave the casino.

[nonhuman]

I met an inspiring girl mate at Dojo. Don't miss the opportunity. Take what has been offered. While you waste time, instead of acting on the attraction, someone else might not be so insecure. She doesn't know you like her, grasshopper.

[:-)]

A girl I like at my Dojo keeps getting closer to me and it is becoming more obvious. I try to talk to her after class but she always leaves in a hurry and I don't see her before she goes.

I feel like the guy in the Police song Don't Stand So Close To Me.
On one hand I lust for her, but on the other hand I feel as though it is inappropriate to do so on the mats, and find myself stuck in a complex situation.

I would like to get to know her outside Aikido and keep it off the mats, but I am only human after all and it is hard to suppress my feelings for her when I am close to her.

[Lauren]

Do your loins ache for her? I practiced with a girl last year who I lusted for also. My loins actually ached for her. Her hot breath on my neck was like an aphrodisiac.

I tried to keep it off the mats but the attraction was mutual and we took it too far. It was at Ryukyu Kempo Academy. That's all I can say legally.

[:-)]

Truth be told the "intimate" tension between us is driving me insane.
The way she "accidentally" brushes my arms ever so lightly with her hands while doing ryote-mochi , or how she slides her thumb across the palm of my hand after applying a lock.

On one occasion she turned to talk to me as I was about to slide forward and force her to the ground in a shomen-uchi shomen irimi-nage ni technique, (she was giving me advice on how to improve the technique.) Our eyes were locked on each other with our faces scant inches apart. I was holding her on a slight reverse angle with one hand in the small of her back to provide support, similar to a dip from a dance move. I was overcome by a strong desire to kiss her, but didn't out of respect for the dojo.

I am trying to use restraint and behave myself, but she isn’t making it easy. Damn emotions!

[Pauliina Lievonen]

If the touching isn't accidental I have to say I find it a bit inappropriate. I think dating a dojomate is fine, but personally I'd prefer to keep as much of the flirting as possible strictly off the mat. Did you ask her out already? :)

kvaak
Pauliina

[Buck]

I am trying to use restraint and behave myself, but she isn't making it easy. Damn emotions!

Emotions, phooey...try testosterone. If your male, double phooey... it's testosterone.

[:-)]

To answer Pauliinas question, I haven't asked her out yet. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to date someone from Aikido.

I just need the courage to ask her out. Regardless of her response I think that knowing her true feelings for me will set me free and enable me to progress (It is not good to feel trapped in my life).

[Stanley Archacki]

Truth be told the "intimate" tension between us is driving me insane.
The way she "accidentally" brushes my arms ever so lightly with her hands while doing ryote-mochi , or how she slides her thumb across the palm of my hand after applying a lock.

On one occasion she turned to talk to me as I was about to slide forward and force her to the ground in a shomen-uchi shomen irimi-nage ni technique, (she was giving me advice on how to improve the technique.) Our eyes were locked on each other with our faces scant inches apart. I was holding her on a slight reverse angle with one hand in the small of her back to provide support, similar to a dip from a dance move. I was overcome by a strong desire to kiss her, but didn't out of respect for the dojo.

I am trying to use restraint and behave myself, but she isn't making it easy. Damn emotions!

Maybe it would be better for the sake of decorum to pick another training partner. If you have that much trouble restraining yourself, you're thinking more about not kissing her than you are about your training.

Why are you coming to class anyway?

[:-)]

I wish I could stop the feelings I have for her right now, but it is hard to repress my feelings. Just when I think I have gotten over her I see her again and the feelings return.

The situation is totally unintentional and is not what I wanted to happen, I started Aikido as a way of training my body and mind, not complicating my life and making me totally irrational.

[Michael Hackett]

OK, so pull up your big boy gi pants and ask her out. If she says "no", you will know that she's not interested. Just train with her and treat her with courtesy, dignity and respect as a dojo mate. If she says "yes", go out and have fun. Then just train with her and treat her with courtesy, dignity and respect as a dojo mate.

Enough, already. I think "Dear Abby" has a website too.

[Abasan]

I too met my wife on the mat. Nothing wrong with developing a relationship with a dojo mate. Its just like getting on with someone from college or work.

As for shyness or confidence... man. You only live once. If she doesn't reciprocate, just get on with your life. No regrets.

[Shizentota]

I met my fiancee in the mat, It started the same way, I just loved to practice with her, after long time of practice I start to realize that I was more than the keiko, so I broke with the girl I was getting out and concentrated on her (My kohai) I ask her onces to have lunch with me, then I invited her to a park and after that I realize that the felling that I was having for her were the same she was felling for me.

Sometimes keiko show more true things than what can happens in the real life (Outside the mat)

Well my advice is to follow your kokoro, I did it, and it worked great for me, I will marry her this year, we are in love and we will ever be,
:ai: = LOVE so make your :do: and follow your heart

good luck

[Rambo]

stop you little girl whining and make your move.

how old are you? you sound like a little 12 year old girl....for christs sake, be a man

[Guilty Spark]

Just make your move OFF the matt and outside of the dojo.
No need to turn ones dojo a dating service, that's more of a taekwono thing.

[Chantal]

As a female perspective, (and not the first one), if she is touching you and getting in really really close ... she likely wants YOU to be the one to show interest. She is doing all that she can to get your attention without screaming it out ... just ask her out to dinner, I am sure she will say yes :) I'd be surprised if she said no.

Take care,
Chantal

[Chantal]

oops... should have added that females are just as afraid of rejection as are males ... she wants you to acknowledge any feelings you have ... she is testing the waters to see how you respond...

ok ... now I think I am done adding my 2 cents.

Regards,

Chantal ;)

[mickeygelum]

I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to date someone from Aikido.


:eek: ..You're kidding, right?

[wideawakedreamer]

#1: Why would you even want to repress your feelings? Not very "Aiki", IMO. I think you'll be better able to manage them by embracing them.

#2: Seems like you're too afraid of getting into a committed relationship when you haven't even asked her out yet. Aren't you getting ahead of yourself? Cross the bridge when and IF you ever get there.:)
I wish I could stop the feelings I have for her right now, but it is hard to repress my feelings. Just when I think I have gotten over her I see her again and the feelings return.

The situation is totally unintentional and is not what I wanted to happen, I started Aikido as a way of training my body and mind, not complicating my life and making me totally irrational.

[:-)]

The truth is I have a form of social anxiety and find it hard to deal with certain social situations, especially in regards to dating or asking someone on a date.

Rambo, call me a 12 year old girl if you want. Judging someone because of a psychological issue they face in my opinion is on the same level as making fun of someone because they are in a wheel chair.

I didn’t tick a box or elect to be the way I am. It is not easy to live a life of regret and loneliness, waking up each day wishing you could be like everybody else.

I’m not sure if anyone else can appreciate how hard it is for me to train with someone I have such strong feelings for and not be able to tell her how I feel, or know how she truly feels about me.

[aikilouis]

Archie Gates: You're scared, right?
Conrad Vig: Maybe.
Archie Gates: The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.
Conrad Vig: That's a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around.
Archie Gates: I know. That's the way it works.

From Three Kings (1999)

[Joe McParland]

Rambo, call me a 12 year old girl if you want. Judging someone because of a psychological issue they face in my opinion is on the same level as making fun of someone because they are in a wheel chair.


It's a paradox that constant, insecure, overpowering desire often works as a repellent to what you want.

There's no question that your want is itself real, but the more you dwell on it, the greater the odds that you're want is for a fantasy image of her that you've created rather than the true her. What you secretly harbor will inevitably bleed into your other words and actions. Perceived from the other side, you may seem sweet and insecure to some, and perhaps quite creepy or stalkerish to others.

Aikido is one path toward seeing things as they are. That happens in no small part by virtue of your full presence in what you're doing---i.e., Aikido. If you're distracted from the actual Aikido by some dreamy image you've conjured between your ears, you have failed.

If you don't currently have what it takes to blow past the mental obstacles and talk to the girl, then just accept that as a loss for today and get back to the Aikido.

You'll see how things sort themselves out, one way or another in time.

[cserrit]

Nothing ventured...nothing gained!

[Joe McParland]

Nothing ventured, no restraining order, either! ;)

In the end, the final outcome to any course is not knowable. Anonymous needs to find his own solution within his own circumstances.

Thought can be paralyzing, but I suspect a bokken swinging sharply toward his head would erase that thought-obstacle quickly... It's one of martial arts' greatest lessons for everyday life, dealing with all of life's situations with this presence.

(Alternatively, the bokken lands with similar results ;) )

[Buck]

The truth is I have a form of social anxiety and find it hard to deal with certain social situations, especially in regards to dating or asking someone on a date.

I didn't tick a box or elect to be the way I am. It is not easy to live a life of regret and loneliness, waking up each day wishing you could be like everybody else.

I'm not sure if anyone else can appreciate how hard it is for me to train with someone I have such strong feelings for and not be able to tell her how I feel, or know how she truly feels about me.

Go get help to get over the social problem. No girl or women wants to deal with that. Well that isn't true, unless she is a cougar, then she wants that insecurity to play with. :) To know it is too live it. Been then done that. :D

[Guilty Spark]

I'm not sure if anyone else can appreciate how hard it is for me to train with someone I have such strong feelings for and not be able to tell her how I feel, or know how she truly feels about me.
Sorry dude but you sound like just about every other teenage guy who ever hit puberity and had a crush on a girl.

Can anyone else in the entire world appreciate how hard it is to ask a girl out?
Umm, ya. You and a few other guys have ran into that. You're making it sound like you're trying to split an atom. People have gave you advice on your questionover and over. What exactly are you looking for? People here can't ask her out for you.

[Janet Rosen]

Sorry dude but you sound like just about every other teenage guy who ever hit puberity and had a crush on a girl.
I don't know the poster, but I do know that an adult with decades of, as this poster writes, "social anxiety", is not the same as a teenage guy with a crush.
I assume he wanted a safe place here for a little sympathy/support.

Unfortunately, just as we often say the dojo is not a therapeutic milieu, neither is aikiweb. If he cannot steel himself to speak with her, his only option is to seek some kind of formal support or therapy.

[Ketsan]

The truth is I have a form of social anxiety and find it hard to deal with certain social situations, especially in regards to dating or asking someone on a date.

Rambo, call me a 12 year old girl if you want. Judging someone because of a psychological issue they face in my opinion is on the same level as making fun of someone because they are in a wheel chair.

I didn't tick a box or elect to be the way I am. It is not easy to live a life of regret and loneliness, waking up each day wishing you could be like everybody else.

I'm not sure if anyone else can appreciate how hard it is for me to train with someone I have such strong feelings for and not be able to tell her how I feel, or know how she truly feels about me.

Ask the girl what she would do if she were in your shoes. Tell her she's the only one you trust, tell her about your social anxiety.

[heathererandolph]

It's not easy to talk about yourself, anyhow, no matter who it is. I mean, just accept that it is difficult and probably you are fearing rejection, most people fear rejection. It's very inspiring to find someone you feel you are compatible with. It's exciting. Just try to enjoy it. The stakes seem really high because you like her. Maybe she is hoping you are going to ask her out, you never know.

I think the dojo is a bit of a delicate situation as you don't know if she is actively looking for a boyfriend or not and you don't want to scare her off. Some men "come on" to women in the dojo and it's not always appreciated. Some women come to the dojo for reasons of self-defense and they might find being "pestered" as threatening.

I think if you try to be her friend that's the best bet. That way you don't risk injuring the trust we all like to feel in the dojo and I think a lot of women like that approach because it shows you appreciate her as a person. Ask her how her life is going, maybe she needs help with something? If you can be there for her, maybe she will start to rely on you. By being her friend you can find out if she is looking for dating, friendship or what? Ask her if she's known anyone who dated in the dojo and how she feels about that. Since you are facing social anxiety maybe tell her about that, when you feel comfortable talking about it and she can help you by introducing you to her friends and going on some "practice" dates with you.

Once you get to know her better you will feel more comfortable talking to her.

[Guilty Spark]

":-)", how old are you?

[wideawakedreamer]

What is this form of social anxiety, and how is this different from shyness? Or is social anxiety the new name for shyness?

I'm not trying to belittle you, merely trying to understand you better.

I used to be shy. I still am a little, but I have a lot more confidence now than when I was a teenager. Maybe you're the same as I was before and you'll eventually learn to deal in your own way.

The truth is I have a form of social anxiety and find it hard to deal with certain social situations, especially in regards to dating or asking someone on a date.

Rambo, call me a 12 year old girl if you want. Judging someone because of a psychological issue they face in my opinion is on the same level as making fun of someone because they are in a wheel chair.

I didn't tick a box or elect to be the way I am. It is not easy to live a life of regret and loneliness, waking up each day wishing you could be like everybody else.

I'm not sure if anyone else can appreciate how hard it is for me to train with someone I have such strong feelings for and not be able to tell her how I feel, or know how she truly feels about me.

[Jesse Legon]

1) you ask her out and either get a yes or a no. Then life and training can resume either way.

or

2) never ask her out, live a life of regret and ruin your training in the process.

It's a no-brainer!!

[dematteo84]

I also like a girl at Aikido. At first I was a little ashamed and embarrassed, the last thing I wanted to do was use Aikido as a way of finding love. I was attracted to this girl physically, but did not wish to become “involved” with her as I felt it would complicate things.

It was easy at first as I didn’t train with her, or have any close contact. After a while we started training together. The way that she would look into my eyes, and the way she acted towards me in general gave me the impression that she “liked” me. I am not sure if my gut feeling was correct, but suddenly I found that she was becoming more irresistible to me.

I try to be strong and resist temptation and can think of numerous reasons in my mind why I shouldn’t get involved with he, but in my hart and spirit I want to give it a go, and feel like I wont be at peace until I do so.

I only hope that I can find the inner strength to talk to her as an adult and explain the situation. I am no longer ashamed of my feelings towards her and recognize that they are only natural, and hope that she can understand.

Sure I want more than anything to be with her, but at the same time want what is best for her and for the Dojo.

I think that like many other people, I have made a mountain out of a mole hill, and have let the situation get out of hand.

[Chantal]

all persons involved that have feelings for another at the dojo, I say this: Tell her how you feel, be mature about it, and don't ramble. Most importantly, speak from the heart and tell her off the mat. My suggestion is to ask her out for drink first. If she accepts then she is likely interested in getting to know you and is a step in your favour. If she declines, politely acknowledge. Here is the kicker, if a woman declines and says she is busy, she might actually have plans. Look at her demeanour and how sympathetic she is when she responds. Try a seconed time and see what she says and if she declines, tell her no problem but that if she ever wants to hang out as friends that would be cool.

As a female perspective, look at her eyes ... if you ask her and she smiles and still holds eye contact, that is a good sign. Women like to touch when they are attracted to someone (ok, I should speak for myslef here). Joking and touching the arm or shoulder are safe places to show attraction ... basically, when we touch someone we are interested in, it sends loads of "feel good" hormones through our body ...

I say, ask her out for drink, tell her you find her very interesting and would like to get to know her more ... you will see right away if she pulls back or if she embraces that opportunity.

[Joe McParland]

Just out of curiosity, how would everyone's answer change if, say, one or both parties was married, one or both was a minor, ...?

The anonymous forum is a wonderful place to see people project their own hopes, wishes, histories, circumstances, and so forth, upon others situations.

Just sayin'... ;)

[ninjaqutie]

I met my boyfriend at the dojo. Then we broke up and it was a bit awkward... luckily, he quit. His presence never discouraged me from training there though. So keep in mind that there is a possiblility that you two may not work out and that things could get a little strange.

That same dojo is also where I met my husband! :) Apparently, I have a thing for martial artists.... haha. We are now happily married and I think that it is great that we are both so passionate about the same thing. A relationship that grows from friendship is usually very special.

I say train and just let things happen. If it is meant to be, then it is meant to be. Be careful though, I know some dojo's have rules about dating students or a teacher (like my husband was when we started dating). If you two do end up dating, I would suggest not working together (or at least not too often).

My husband and I try not to work with each other (but eventually do if there are less people in class). In fact, just this weekend, Sensei purposely put us together. We found that a little strange. Sensei at our new dojo doesn't seem to mind us working together as much as the sensei of our past dojo. Good luck!

Sorry if I am missing t's in my words.... the keyboard is messed up. I hope I caught them as I went!

[Peter Smicklas]

I met my boyfriend at the dojo. Then we broke up and it was a bit awkward... luckily, he quit. His presence never discouraged me from training there though. So keep in mind that there is a possiblility that you two may not work out and that things could get a little strange.

That same dojo is also where I met my husband! :) Apparently, I have a thing for martial artists.... haha. We are now happily married and I think that it is great that we are both so passionate about the same thing. A relationship that grows from friendship is usually very special.

I say train and just let things happen. If it is meant to be, then it is meant to be. Be careful though, I know some dojo's have rules about dating students or a teacher (like my husband was when we started dating). If you two do end up dating, I would suggest not working together (or at least not too often).

My husband and I try not to work with each other (but eventually do if there are less people in class). In fact, just this weekend, Sensei purposely put us together. We found that a little strange. Sensei at our new dojo doesn't seem to mind us working together as much as the sensei of our past dojo. Good luck!

Sorry if I am missing t's in my words.... the keyboard is messed up. I hope I caught them as I went!

Who did you meet first at the dojo, your boyfriend or your husband?

[ninjaqutie]

My boyfriend.

[rob_liberti]

Normally, I just think of people in the dojos a dogis to work out with. But one day... I went to a seminar a while back and I noticed an extremely pretty face - right at the moment that I was flying through the air for a big ukemi. My head kind of locked in on her, and time time of froze for my head. The rest of my body kept going at normal speed, so I took a really bizarre fall. My teacher who was teaching as he was throwing me kind of looked at me like "what are you doing?!"

Rob

[Ron Tisdale]

Lemme guess...you married her? :D ;)
B,
R :eek:

[cconstantine]

Normally, I just think of people in the dojos a dogis to work out with. But one day... I went to a seminar a while back and I noticed an extremely pretty face - right at the moment that I was flying through the air for a big ukemi. My head kind of locked in on her, and time time of froze for my head. The rest of my body kept going at normal speed, so I took a really bizarre fall. My teacher who was teaching as he was throwing me kind of looked at me like "what are you doing?!"

off-topic from OP I know, but...

I've had several, similar experiences at a dojo on a very busy street that had large windows close to the mat. Cars would stop for the traffic light and you'd be mid breakfall, upside down and wind up making eye contact with someone sitting in their car. It's actually a very delightful experience to be able to notice other people, their expressions and to even have a briefly exchanged, "good morning! how are you?" smile mid ukemi.

[ninjaqutie]

HAHA... that would be great Craig!

[Lan Powers]

off-topic from OP I know, but...

I've had several, similar experiences at a dojo on a very busy street that had large windows close to the mat. Cars would stop for the traffic light and you'd be mid breakfall, upside down and wind up making eye contact with someone sitting in their car. It's actually a very delightful experience to be able to notice other people, their expressions and to even have a briefly exchanged, "good morning! how are you?" smile mid ukemi.

At one point we worked out at a fitness club with big glass windows facing the weight machine rooms.
Lovely ladies in work-out tights would tend to make for some very ugly landings in ukemi. Focus, FOCUS!! :D

The attractive twenty-something who would make eye-contact while working on the thigh machine had a particularly devastating effect on several of the younger guys. ( of course, being so much above all that I was unfazed ;) )

Fun to watch the reactions though.
Lan

[BlueDevilfish]

You say that she is talking to you often, calling you little nicknames and putting her hand on your shoulder. Preumably you have watched her enough to know if she treats other guys similarly (particularly the physical contact). If she is the type that touches other people casually/frequently then maybe you are reading too much into it. However if she is not making physical contact with other guys at the dojo then I think she is really trying to tell you something!!! ;)

There is an old saying something along the lines of:

Three things come not back – the spoken word, the spent arrow, the missed opportunity.

Don't miss an opportunity that you may regret for many years to come. Good luck!

[BlueDevilfish]

Further to my previous post I note that you say you are quite shy. I don't want to be seen to be playing the "amateur psychologist" based on brief info you have posted in a forum, but maybe I can just make some general comments about shyness that may be of interest.

The interesting thing about the word 'shy' is that it really means 'scared'. That is, scared of other peoples rejection. The reason a shy person doesn't speak up and voice an opinion in a group situation is that they are 'scared' that they will 'say the wrong thing' or 'say something silly' and that others will therefore think poorly of them. In effect, it involves placing TOO MUCH importance on what other peoples opinions are of you.

In a romantic situation shyness in effect means fear of rejection if you make your feelings know to the person you are interested in.

The good thing is that it is possible to easily overcome this problem!

There is a very well vaildated form of psychology called Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) which is used effectively by psychologists all over the world. One good point about REBT is that the principles are easy to understand and many people can get great benefit just by reading books/articles and having a go at the concepts.

Here are a couple of links that may be helpful:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOfabrp9QAE
http://rebtnetwork.org/ask/jan06.html

If you type "REBT shyness" into Google you will come up with heaps of links.

My apologies if none of this is applicable to your situation. :) :sorry:

[GMaroda]

IIRC David, he said he has social anxiety. That's a bit more serious than just being shy. Fortunately, it's still treatable through a variety of valid and effective therapy methods.

I only point this out because far too many people think a social anxiety disorder is something you just "need to get over" or "grow out of".

I speak from personal experience.

[BlueDevilfish]

Cognitive Behaviour Therapies, such as Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, which I suggested is probably the best option available for social anxiety issues. A book such as "Performance Anxiety" by Robin and Balter may be of benefit. Many people will gain great benefit from reading books on this issue, others may need the assistance of a therapist.

PS When I posted my original reply I hadn't realised that there were 3 pages of this thread, I had only read the first page. I wasn't aware of the more broad social anxiety issue at that time, but in effect my advice is still valid. Shyness and social anxiety are closely related as evidenced here:
http://www.socialanxietyassist.com.au/
http://www.abc.net.au/health/thepulse/stories/2006/09/14/1740634.htm

[bulevardi]

Always remember you in the dojo to fight, not to make love ;-)

So how did this story end? Is it a couple is it a couple is it a couple? !!110101!!

[sakumeikan]

Don't know how many people this has happened to, but recently I have started to get a bit too "comfortable" with a girl at Aikido.
I really enjoy training with her, more so than with any other Uke. The main problem is I have started to develop feeling towards her and they are only getting stronger with time.
I find that the attraction is distracting me during my Aikido training and even at work and at home.

I am considering getting advice from my Sensei, not sure if telling the girl how I feel is appropriate. I don't want to loose what we already have.

Why not simply ask her out for a non aikido date?If she says yes fine, if not too bad.
For myself I met my good lady in a judo dojo-we have been married 50 years.Incidentally neither of us got time off for good behaviour.My missus still packs me off to the dojo.I guess she gets peace and quiet while I am out. Cheers, Joe.

[RED]

Don't know how many people this has happened to, but recently I have started to get a bit too "comfortable" with a girl at Aikido.
I really enjoy training with her, more so than with any other Uke. The main problem is I have started to develop feeling towards her and they are only getting stronger with time.
I find that the attraction is distracting me during my Aikido training and even at work and at home.

I am considering getting advice from my Sensei, not sure if telling the girl how I feel is appropriate. I don't want to loose what we already have.

*shrugs* I'm marrying the guy that thought I was a cute aiki-bunny.
Tell her. Honesty and authenticity are virtuous.

[Janet Rosen]

another ancient thread resurrected long after the one-topic poster has long since vanished.....

[Chuck Clark]

Interesting isn't it...

[Anon...]

I am in the situation where I have feelings for someone in my Dojo. Their policy, like mine is not to date people from the Dojo. Unfortunately I have strong feelings for this person, even though I know nothing can happen between us. I almost feel I should give up tanning so I can get this person out of my mind. I don't know what to do. I wish I could train with them just as I train with anybody else.

[ninjaqutie]

I almost feel I should give up tanning so I can get this person out of my mind. I don't know what to do. I wish I could train with them just as I train with anybody else.

What does tanning have to do with anything? ;) Dating a dojo person can cause problems if it doesn't work out. If the two of you are serious about dating, you have two choices.

1.) Do it quietly (despite your dojo rules)
2.) One of you goes to another dojo and you date

[2cent]

It is my understanding that we should not limit individual liberties and rights of others in every corner of our lives. We have enough rules and regulations of how to behave already from personal intercourse and relationships at home, socially, and at work. We are almost constantly told or reminded of what we can and can't do by others.

If you in a high school, college, or other type of school are you told you can't date classmates the first day of class? That you can't like someone, or have become attracted to a classmate?

Safe to say, most Aikido classes charge for lessons, if your paying to be taught. You'er not paying to have someone restrict you from dating. Or control your personal or social life.

Well, it may be asked, what if something goes wrong. It brings problems into the dojo. My answer is that is one of countless problems brought into the dojo, More likely, what if two people just don't like each other, hate each other. Or you have one student who doesn't have the greatest personality or social skill and by the nature of that causes problems. These relationship issues occur far more frequently and are more disruptive and problematic than dating.

Also, if you pay for a class, the sensei relinquishes the idea that there are no boundaries and limits to his or her control or power. I have heard senseis say and imply they have absolute power and control in there dojos. They make the rules and those rules must and will be followed. Well, if you'er a dictator of country, and people have no choice, no freedom, no liberties. But, a dojo isn't a country, it is a class where you pay for lesson, and that gives you rights and freedom such as living your own life as you choose. No matter what agreement or arrangement is made.

As much as we like to think we should have, and need to have control over people's lives to keep things in "harmony," we have to recognize if we are going too far. IMO the idea of having so much control over who can and can't date is a dangerous thing.

[sakumeikan]

I also like a girl at Aikido. At first I was a little ashamed and embarrassed, the last thing I wanted to do was use Aikido as a way of finding love. I was attracted to this girl physically, but did not wish to become “involved” with her as I felt it would complicate things.

It was easy at first as I didn’t train with her, or have any close contact. After a while we started training together. The way that she would look into my eyes, and the way she acted towards me in general gave me the impression that she “liked” me. I am not sure if my gut feeling was correct, but suddenly I found that she was becoming more irresistible to me.

I try to be strong and resist temptation and can think of numerous reasons in my mind why I shouldn’t get involved with he, but in my hart and spirit I want to give it a go, and feel like I wont be at peace until I do so.

I only hope that I can find the inner strength to talk to her as an adult and explain the situation. I am no longer ashamed of my feelings towards her and recognize that they are only natural, and hope that she can understand.

Sure I want more than anything to be with her, but at the same time want what is best for her and for the Dojo.

I think that like many other people, I have made a mountain out of a mole hill, and have let the situation get out of hand.

Dear Matthew,
Why all the angst?If you fancy the girl just ask her out. If you were both employed in a supermarket or Mc Donalds would you worry whether your pending/possible romance would threaten the welfare of the company?Just go for it.Life is too short for wasting time on 'will I or wont I 'types of situation.
I have been married nearly 50 years to a lady I met at my judo dojo.She is almost a fixture in our Aikido community in the British Birankai.
The lasy will either accept the invite or say no.Better to make a move than sit about twirling your thumbs or being
indecisive. Good luck.
Cheers, Joe.

[lbb]

I think a good guideline to use here is the old rule, "Don't make your romantic feelings someone else's problem." Never heard that one? It's a great one. If you can talk to this woman -- I assume she is a grown woman, and not a girl, which would imply that she's underage and that you shouldn't be chatting her up under any circumstances -- and express an interest in possibly dating, without putting any pressure on her, being completely open to hearing, "Thanks, I'd rather not," and being completely willing and able to drop the matter and continue training without making the situation uncomfortable for her, then I don't think there's anything wrong with it. What is absolutely unacceptable, in the dojo or the workplace or anywhere else, is putting someone in a situation where your feelings for them lead to behavior that makes them uncomfortable. If you have any doubts about your ability to accept rejection gracefully, better to not go there.

[2cts]

In aikido, we have a regular, physical and fairly intimate relationship of a kind usually restricted to our families, with a bunch of people we'd otherwise not know in that way.
For people who may not be used to physical contact outside - or even in - their families, I can see how it might be difficult at times to differentiate between practice/connection and feelings of love/attachment.
One of the aspects of training that I really appreciate is the chance to deal physically with other human beings. That's just how I grew up ("Dogpile!!!") and a way that I like to relate to the world.... and it does not present itself much in the workday.
And then there are those ukes that you just swing with, perfectly, and beautiful things happen. They just "fit." It's a special relationship, again, not of the "let's get it on"-type, but it is definitely close and intimate.
Just one of the many ways that aikido works to make the world a better place!

[Janet Rosen]

{yawn} resurrected old thread again?

[Mikemac]

Hmmm........

Maybe not helpful, but even if she says no, you can truthfully brag that you've gotten her on her back a few times.:crazy:

[Mikemac]

Actually, I'm glad this thread came back, as it's been very entertaining to read everyone's experiences and thoughts.

Mostly I shy from relationships like this at the workplace, school...etc. They really can be awkward when they don't work out or one loses interest, but getting involved with an Aikidoka would seem to be ideal because you have a specific interest in common. I think the thrill of a dojo relationship would mean having a lifetime aikido partner! You'll get married, build out a permanent dojo mat in a spare room, raise 2.5 little white belts, and ukemi with each other, happily ever after.

Some ideas I had on getting it going without feeling unconfortable...

1) Ask her and a couple of other students if they'd like to practice one day somewhere. That way you are still in a group. When the practice ends, see if she'll stick around to talk when the others have left.

2) Show her your bokken and ask if she wants to try it out sometime.....;)

3) (I stole this one from another thread) When doing practicing koshi nage (hip throws), tell her she's not "getting you up enough." If she giggles, you have a shot!

[Michael Hackett]

This thread is so old that the OP has either married the lady and is the proud grandfather of sixteen grandkids, or she turned him down and he lives by himself in an apartment filled with old newspapers and six cats.

[asdfdfebxcbdsabggsd]

For me the worst thing is not being able to get over someone...I know it won't work between us and i thought my feelings would evaporate over time. I find that as long as I am near them the feelings seems to stay as loud as ever. I don't want to give up training (out of sight out of mind), but I also don't want to keep having the feelings for this person.
Damn irrational emotions!

[anonmymous]

I am not asking for advice. I've got a crush on someone I train with. I have zero desire to consummate this crush. He's fun to train with, but really boring when he opens his mouth. If I followed through it would last about one hour and ruin a fantastic marriage for no good reason. Bleh.

I'm wondering whether you've got a crush on someone you train with. Does aikido lend itself to crushes in your opinion? What do you do about it? Do you make every effort to train with your crush or do you try to avoid that person? What does a crush do to your regular set of goals--your motivation to train?

I feel fine about the commitment I made to my partner--my marriage is utterly unthreatened. The thing that bugs me is that I try to walk onto the mat with a set of clear motivations and goals. And when I train with this guy those motivations and goals get cast aside. That bugs me, but then again training with him is a lot of fun, perhaps I am being too hard on myself.

[RED]

The dojo isn't the place for distraction. You're training. People need to know how to separate themselves. There is time for work and time for play. If you can't separate those two aspects of your life you will find much trouble being successful in every setting of your life, not just the dojo.

[Gorgeous George]

This thread is so old that the OP has either married the lady and is the proud grandfather of sixteen grandkids, or she turned him down and he lives by himself in an apartment filled with old newspapers and six cats.

I wish there was a 'Like' button, a la Facebook...

[ninjaqutie]

I wish there was a 'Like' button, a la Facebook...

HAHAHA... I had thought that earlier today on another thread I had read.... that is just classic. :)

[Gorgeous George]

HAHAHA... I had thought that earlier today on another thread I had read.... that is just classic. :)

:)

[gdandscompserv]

This thread is so old that the OP has either married the lady and is the proud grandfather of sixteen grandkids, or she turned him down and he lives by himself in an apartment filled with old newspapers and six cats.
:D