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acooper
06-10-2008, 10:56 AM
Hi All. Are there any instructors out there with extremely jealous wives? I run a small dojo for the city with about 12 students, one of whom is a female in her 20's and my wife gives me alot of grief over it. Normally I am the type of instructor who will come in early or stay late so my students can get more practice in since I am limited in the days we can have class. I am also usully pretty friendly with my students. Since this gal has joined up my wife has forced my to change the way I usually do thing because she is worried that I might end up alone with this girl. I even try to avoid shaking hands with my students after class is over because my wife would kill me if I ever shook her hand!!

Things got worse durring grading last month. When I judge ukemi I do not do it by watching them just roll around on a mat by theselves, I watch how they take ukemi when they are uke. So, following my procedure I kept on eye on this gal when she was uke & my wife flipped out because she felt I was starring at this girl even when it she was not showing any techniques. And then my wife took a peek at my grade book and saw that I gave her decent grades and got pissed at e again for favoriism or something.

I honestly wish this girl would quit. So my wife would get off my back and let me teach the way I am used to. I work for the city so I can't really just kick her out.Maybe if I start making class super hard she will give up and leave.

I know I will get lots of advice to sit down with my wife and explain things so she'll understand. That is pointless because I have tried and tried and it just get me deeper in the doo doo. She even threatens to force me to quit teaching all together because of this.

I have never given my wife any rational reason to be jealous of this girl. I treat her like any other student.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and I wouldnever do anything to hurt our marriage. I love aikido too though. I've been practicing for 20 years and teaching for about 15 and I can't imagine ever giving it up. It is a huge part of who I am.

Anyone ever seen or experienced anything like this? Thoughts? Help?

SteveTrinkle
06-10-2008, 12:29 PM
You describe a very serious problem. I really recommend finding a qualified marriage therapist. Even if your wife is initially unwilling to go, a good therapist can begin work with just you. What great ukemi training for you this could be.

Jonathan
06-10-2008, 12:52 PM
Whoa. You've got quite a sticky situation going. I, too, am an Aikido instructor, but I have my wife as a student. Now that's a tricky thing sometimes, I can tell you! Actually, for the most part, its quite wonderful having my wife as a member of the dojo. Its just hard some times to separate out being her husband from being her Aikido teacher. We're figuring it out and making it work.

Like you, my marriage comes first. I've told my wife that I'd quit Aikido if it ever became a problem to our marriage. Hopefully, it'll never come to this, but if it does, I'm determined to put her first. As a part of putting my wife first, I take pains not to carry on with other females in a too-friendly way. While I am cheerful and pleasant with other women, as I am with everbody, I maintain a certain reserve in particular around them. I never allow myself to be in a situation where I am alone with another woman for any length of time and I do not touch other women except to throw them during practice or to shake their hand at first introductions. My wife has never asked me to observe these things, of course - I just do them out of respect for her and my relationship with her.

If your wife has no real reason to be jealous (which is how it sounds from your post), then I'd suggest she has trust and control issues that your role as an Aikido instructor is simply bringing to the fore. The problem isn't you being an Aikido instructor to women, it is that she simply doesn't trust you. I don't think you should make this woman, who has innocently come to your dojo to learn Aikido, the victim of your wife's insecurity. This problem is between you and your wife; it shouldn't, and doesn't, really involve this student at all.

It seems to me that your wife has put you in a place where you must choose between her and your Aikido teaching. Personally, were I in your shoes, I would have very serious issue with the fact that there is no rationale to my wife's distrust of me. The kind of problem you've described sounds like you are becoming a prisoner to your wife's baseless fear. Relationally, this doesn't seem very healthy to me at all.

Of course, all that I've said arises out of hearing only one side of the story. Maybe it would alter were I to hear her side...

exarkun1178
06-10-2008, 12:52 PM
wow, sir you have a problem! or rather it sounds like your wife has the problem. if that was me, id continue doing what ive always done. if nothings up, then you have no worries.

Joe McParland
06-10-2008, 12:59 PM
What if this was a paragraph left out of your presentation:

"I'm 38. Twenty years ago, I started practice in college and five years later I earned by black belt and started teaching a beginners' class. Three years later, a stunning 20-year-old coed joined my class. She was talented. I gave her my full attention to help her progress. She saw my intensity and enjoyed the trust. Two years later, I married her and we've been together for ten years since. For the last nine years I've been teaching aikido at an all-boys prep school, but just last I started a club at the local college and now I have my first female student."

If you want to know why your wife is jealous, after ten years of marriage you should hopefully be comfortable working through the question with her. If she's sensitive about it, god help you, acooper, if she finds you've taken her personal business to the internet! [I think I've seen posts of mine from 1992 or so archived here!]

******
06-10-2008, 01:39 PM
Wow, That is a tough one, especially if she is there in the Dojo with you. I have an extremely jealous wife who would totally flip is she saw how much close contact we have with our training partners. Fortunately she is not interested in watching me train.

acooper
06-10-2008, 02:01 PM
Wow, That is a tough one, especially if she is there in the Dojo with you. I have an extremely jealous wife who would totally flip is she saw how much close contact we have with our training partners. Fortunately she is not interested in watching me train.

My wife doesn't train. She is at the dojo once or twice per month to collect dues & take care of other dojo business. I think it would be easier if she did, or was at the dojo a couple times a week to keep an eye on me. Then she would see that I am not up to anything.

SeiserL
06-10-2008, 02:34 PM
IMHO, jealousy is about your mate's insecurity. Unless of course she has some legitimate reason to be jealous.

Does she feel loved and the top priority in your life?
Ask her.
Reassure her she is.
(She is, isn't she?)

Incorrigible
06-10-2008, 02:50 PM
Sometimes people are jealous for all the wrong reasons. I had an ex-girlfriend of a few years that I finally split from because of the jealousy factor. If I looked at for example a female bank teller while conducting bank transactions and the girlfriend was present, we'd argue because she thought I wanted to sleep with the teller. I'd be curious to know:

Have you ever given your wife a reason to be concerned?

Have you given yourself a honest evaluation of your interacts with the student?

What else have you had to give-up, or changed without compromise for your wife?

I agree with others that you may need some marital counseling, provided your conduct with this female student is on the up and up.

Marie Noelle Fequiere
06-10-2008, 02:53 PM
I agree with both Stephen and Lynn. The problem is inside your marriage, and this poor student has nothing to do with it. If you make her leave the dojo, your wife will find something else to rant about. I am not saying that she is doing this on purpose. She is probably very sincere in those irrational reactions of hers, and that's what marriage therapists are for.
Do you have children? If you do, they are another reason to seek professional advice.
Peace, and good luck.

SmilingNage
06-10-2008, 03:07 PM
Personally, you should keep home life and dojo life separate until you wife gets over what ever problems she is dealing with. Your wife needs to learn boundaries. She can be all the boss she wants to be at home. But at the dojo, you run the show. I would make that clear if it were my problem.

Lauren Walsh
06-10-2008, 11:02 PM
Is it possible that your beloved has self-esteem issues, or is lacking confidence in herself? She may very well be comparing herself to your student, just adding to her insecurities. I'm not experienced enough to really give any advice, but I have known people who act in this way when they are insecure within themselves. If you have never given her a reason to be distrusting, then maybe she is simply dealing with internal issues of her own.

mickeygelum
06-11-2008, 12:07 AM
Give up teaching...let your students go somewhere else to train. This may sound harsh, but, if you put value to the assinine antics of your other half, you are not giving your students their monies worth. You only have a dozen students, no loss, your wife will be happy and you will be whatever. You may be a great teacher, but, you are not putting your students first.

Also be aware, treating a student differently due to gender, or causing them to alter their behavior and learning because of gender can and may bring legal ramifications that you have not even begun to consider. Another note, these threads have no expectation of privacy...and your IP address is prefacing this thread. Hopefully, this is not a topic that has been openly discuused within your dojo.

On-the-other-hand, you ONLY have twelve students...assume all responsibilities of YOUR dojo. It is not that hard to do.

Mickey

dalen7
06-11-2008, 02:37 AM
"Is that so?" - said the zen master when accused of fathering the child of a local villagers daughter.

"Is that so?" Is all he said as they told him the baby was his responsibility."

After some time the daughter confessed that the father was the local butcher, and the parents, quite distraught, went and apologized then asked for the baby back saying, "you are not the father."

Again, "Is that so?" Is all the zen master replied.

Its all stories.
Reaction to the ego in someone else.

There is nothing that you need to do.
Your wife is responsible for her own emotions and thoughts.
Dont get caught up in the emotional mind games.

This may aggravate your wifes ego as there is nothing for it to feed off of. But in doing this watch that your ego doesnt pop up and begin telling her how 'enlightened you are' by not trying to argue, etc. ;)

Its that simple once you realize that its all stories, and that you dont have to be involved in the drama. - and that you are only responsible for yourself. (Does not mean your not loving your wife, but you are learning to take responsibility for yourself.) :)

Peace

dAlen

heathererandolph
06-11-2008, 07:33 AM
It sounds like your wife is jealous of this student. If you've ever been jealous, jealousy is a very painful emotion. It's too bad the student might have to suffer for something that has nothing to do with her. As a woman, I'm sure your wife would not want to see another woman treated unfairly. I don't think forcing the student to leave sounds very ethical at all. If she did have to leave because of this, I think you should be up front with her. Maybe she already has a boyfriend?

Definitely not shaking hands after class with students is a good idea. It must be difficult for your wife, thinking about how you might like this student better than her. It sounds like she is threatened by her. Maybe calling your wife immediately after class will help her realize that you're not interested in this student. Make sure your wife knows she comes first, and hopefully you won't have to quit teaching.

jennifer paige smith
06-11-2008, 10:18 AM
I'd say give up your dojo if this level of immaturity persists.

dbotari
06-11-2008, 10:47 AM
Read Dave Lowry's "Get a new wife" article on Koryu.com as food for thought.

Bronson
06-11-2008, 11:39 AM
I'd say give up your wife if this level of immaturity persists.

Your wife is not jealous of this new girl. This new girl is just the focus of a much deeper problem.

Trust is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. If, as you say, you haven't given her reason to distrust you then she is by nature a distrusting person and will never trust you. Not a good situation for you to be in.

If, however, you HAVE given her reason to distrust you then you've brought all this on yourself.

I don't think it's fair or healthy for one person in a relationship to give up everything to keep the other person happy. The only thing that is learned from this is that anytime she wants you to do something or change something she only has to bring out "The Jealous Wife" and you'll bend and break and do anything to appease her.

Bronson

Mark Uttech
06-11-2008, 12:17 PM
Onegaishimasu. You say you have been doing aikido for twenty years, and you have been married for ten. Why hasn't this problem come up before?

In gassho,

Mark

Michael Hackett
06-11-2008, 02:15 PM
Bravo! Bronson. Wasn't it Willie Nelson who said "I'll never get married again. I'll just find me some woman I hate and buy her a house."?

eyrie
06-11-2008, 07:21 PM
Read Dave Lowry's "Get a new wife" article on Koryu.com as food for thought. Or grow some b@lls... :D

Akako110
01-06-2009, 10:45 PM
Maybe you could introduce your student to your wife so that they can get to know each other, then after your wife talks with her she will see nothing's up and maybe they will even become friends!
But I'm just a kid what do I know?

Tara
"Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind."
-Buddha

Tony Wagstaffe
01-07-2009, 04:26 AM
IMHO, jealousy is about your mate's insecurity. Unless of course she has some legitimate reason to be jealous.

Does she feel loved and the top priority in your life?
Ask her.
Reassure her she is.
(She is, isn't she?)

I think Lynn may have pondered some good points thar.....

Does your wife come before aikido? If yes then take those points.....
If no and there are some underlying insecurities then trouble is bound to come......

Like above my wife was also a student and partner in teaching..... until she retired from aikido to concentrate on bringing up our children......

In that time I have had mostly a mixture of young males and females join the dojo as they were students studying for degrees and so forth..... we also had end of year bbq's, xmas parties and the like usually instigated by either myself or my wife and even the students.....

Seems to me its a matter of trust....... any past issues of a similar nature?

Do you always accord the same attention to all your students regardless of gender?

If no........ then you will always have this problem if your partner is of a possessive nature and has no interest in aikido...... seen this kind of thing happen in the past with an ex student who started his own dojo ..... after a few years his wife found out about his infidelity and oh my..... did he get it in the neck!!

Good luck

Tony

Buck
01-07-2009, 05:26 PM
I tell her this, your wife, it is better you have this issue. It is better to have a husband that isn't obsessed with his wife, because those dudes usually kill their wives. Gruesome but true.

Second, you two got married. No matter what, she is and always will be #1, over any other woman. Nothing can change that fact, even if you both fall out of love.

Third, you can't reason with emotion. She, your wife, has strong feelings about her territory, her nest, she is being protective. Men do the same thing. It is nature. It is something you don't do in terms of emotion is get in the middle of a domestic fight between a couple, they in their emotionally state acting out of nature, both of them will turn on you. Facts of humans, we do have things in us that trigger things that has kept us around for this long and we see in other living things. So your up against that as well.

I would take what I said with a gain of salt. Am single for a reason, well at least I'd like to think that. You are up against something that is more then what can be dealt with here.

MikeLogan
01-07-2009, 05:56 PM
1) In my not-so-humble opinion, since the original poster is technically the prime mover in all of this (ie, "man of the house", and head teacher of his own dojo), he has no one to embarrass but himself. For this particular case of jealous-wife, I don't consider it a fair and worthwhile use of the Anonymous forum.

2) this thread is 6 months old.

3) let it die...

ninjaqutie
05-03-2009, 07:37 PM
Wow... I am so sorry to hear this! I suggest you sit down and have a talk with your wife or maybe go see a counselor together. Even if this girl leaves your class, it is just a temporary fix. She still has a lot of insecurity issues. Getting rid of every girl that joins your class just isn't fair to you. Good luck.

Abasan
05-03-2009, 11:27 PM
Maybe you should spend more time with your wife and find out what the problem really is.

Jealousy is a symptom not a disease. By the way, read the book Blink just to get some insights.

Guilty Spark
05-04-2009, 08:33 AM
Acooper sounds like a horrible teacher and approaching what I would term, an asshole.

"I honestly wish this girl would quit. So my wife would get off my back and let me teach the way I am used to. I work for the city so I can't really just kick her out.Maybe if I start making class super hard she will give up and leave."

His wife is crazy jealous. [Let's assume that Acooper isn't doing what guys sometimes do and makes their wives jealous on purpose OR the wife has due cause to be jeaous.]

His wife is jealous of this girl so what does he consider doing?
Making the class hard for one of his students so they'll quit.

If he isn't doing anything inappropriate in class then he should sort out his issues with his wife, not placate her.

JangChoe
05-14-2009, 09:08 AM
Maybe his wife is cheating/has cheated on him. The guilt turns into jealousy.

ninjaqutie
05-14-2009, 03:34 PM
That is true. Usually the one who is accusing has done or is doing it. Not always, but often enough.

Rabih Shanshiry
05-14-2009, 07:24 PM
Acooper sounds like a horrible teacher and approaching what I would term, an asshole.

Your points are valid but this was harsh and not terribly helpful.

Guilty Spark
05-14-2009, 09:02 PM
Your points are valid but this was harsh and not terribly helpful.

Perhaps harsh my friend but is it harsher than me running you out of my dojo because my wife/husband doesn't like you?

How about because you're Jewish or African American?

The poster doesn't seem to see anything wrong with the idea of ruining someones Aikido training because of an issue at home.

I see that as selfish spiteful and unprofessional.

How would you feel if the next time you showed up to class your sensei really started cranking it up and making your class so hard that you quit - come to find out later he did it on purpose because he didn't like your skin colour or back round?

I don't think this is a case where kiddy gloves and beating around the bush is the right advice.

Johann Baptista
04-05-2010, 05:32 PM
To Grant Wagar:

- May he who has never sinned, cast the first stone.

To the poster:

- Let your wife participate in one class (with the woman), to show her how Aikido is taught.

- If you force this student to quit, you may sever this studentīs Aikido path forever and have avoided an obstacle that would have given you and your wife a wonderful opportunity to grow as people.

- Johann

Adam Huss
04-05-2010, 08:23 PM
Okay,

I'm pretty sure the OP doesn't really want his student to quit...he was probably just exaggerating to express his level of stress to the thread.

Lynn and Atillio make good points: when a woman (or man) feels neglected they will do stupid things to get attention (this is due to a person being weak and relying on other people/things to make them happy, not offend your wife...many people are like this). One of the best ways to get the attention of your mate is to accuse them of infidelity...but that is not constructive attention.

Jang could also be right, however hopefully not.

To the OP: Aikido is a part of who you are, both before you met your wife and since. If she can't accept that part of you, she doesn't accept you completely...which needs to be addressed.

Likely there are deeper issues (ie jealousy of the time you put into aikido vice her...maybe she doesn't know the root to her problems). I hope the both of you can discover them and work them out.

All the best,
A

Keith Larman
04-05-2010, 08:27 PM
I'm pretty sure the situation has probably been "resolved" one way or the other given the original post was in 6/2008...

George S. Ledyard
04-08-2010, 10:58 PM
1) In my not-so-humble opinion, since the original poster is technically the prime mover in all of this (ie, "man of the house", and head teacher of his own dojo), he has no one to embarrass but himself. For this particular case of jealous-wife, I don't consider it a fair and worthwhile use of the Anonymous forum.

2) this thread is 6 months old.

3) let it die...
I disagree, this is precisely what the anonymous forum should be used for.

As for the problem at hand, relationship counseling is certainly in order. It might very well bring out the need for individual counseling but one can't tell from what has been said. But certainly there is stuff going on here and I would strongly recommend getting some help on it.

kipi
04-26-2010, 08:37 PM
Cooper,
Listen to me before its too late! D-I-V-O-R-C-E!
I am a Psychologist and I have lived Aikido since 1989. This is not a problem with you nor of your student. even if you kick your student out or quit aikido altogether, it will not solve your problem. Your wife will simply find another object of her jealousy.
This is not about lacking trust or being suspicious anymore. This is about psychological control. Just as rapists aren't motivated by just the need for sex but by the need for power, women like that are using jealousy as an excuse to assert their absolute control over you. I betcha she also uses maneuvers to make you feel guilty or to make herself look pitiful in order to sway not just your actions but also the opinions of people around you.
Don't try to be a miracle worker. She is not going to change anytime soon. They never do. I say no more of this marriage counseling BS. Bail out now! Don't wait for a fight or an excuse to explain your decision, just cut her loose ASAP. And that means NOW.
A divorce has best chances of being more civil when it is not precipitated by a fight. If kids are involved, try to agree on custody and visitation but bottom line is, you need to do this now.

Marc Abrams
04-28-2010, 01:06 PM
Cooper,
Listen to me before its too late! D-I-V-O-R-C-E!
I am a Psychologist and I have lived Aikido since 1989. This is not a problem with you nor of your student. even if you kick your student out or quit aikido altogether, it will not solve your problem. Your wife will simply find another object of her jealousy.
This is not about lacking trust or being suspicious anymore. This is about psychological control. Just as rapists aren't motivated by just the need for sex but by the need for power, women like that are using jealousy as an excuse to assert their absolute control over you. I betcha she also uses maneuvers to make you feel guilty or to make herself look pitiful in order to sway not just your actions but also the opinions of people around you.
Don't try to be a miracle worker. She is not going to change anytime soon. They never do. I say no more of this marriage counseling BS. Bail out now! Don't wait for a fight or an excuse to explain your decision, just cut her loose ASAP. And that means NOW.
A divorce has best chances of being more civil when it is not precipitated by a fight. If kids are involved, try to agree on custody and visitation but bottom line is, you need to do this now.

Kipi:

I am also a licensed psychologist and Aikido instructor who is appalled by your comments. I strongly suggest that you review APA ethics guidelines. You should simply state things as your personal opinion, rather than an implied professional opinion regarding someone you have never met, treated, or evaluated before. My personal opinion is that you have made an a lot of opinions and recommendations based upon scant information. I could go on further, but my parents told me to say nothing at all, rather than some unkind words...

Marc Abrams

RED
04-28-2010, 06:42 PM
Cooper,
Listen to me before its too late! D-I-V-O-R-C-E!
I am a Psychologist and I have lived Aikido since 1989. This is not a problem with you nor of your student. even if you kick your student out or quit aikido altogether, it will not solve your problem. Your wife will simply find another object of her jealousy.
This is not about lacking trust or being suspicious anymore. This is about psychological control. Just as rapists aren't motivated by just the need for sex but by the need for power, women like that are using jealousy as an excuse to assert their absolute control over you. I betcha she also uses maneuvers to make you feel guilty or to make herself look pitiful in order to sway not just your actions but also the opinions of people around you.
Don't try to be a miracle worker. She is not going to change anytime soon. They never do. I say no more of this marriage counseling BS. Bail out now! Don't wait for a fight or an excuse to explain your decision, just cut her loose ASAP. And that means NOW.
A divorce has best chances of being more civil when it is not precipitated by a fight. If kids are involved, try to agree on custody and visitation but bottom line is, you need to do this now.

I don't know any councilor that would tell some one who is not their patient, who they do not know something this brass!:mad:

Plus, every story has two sides, and we only have the Mr.'s side. And you'd make a "professional" opinion based on this little information. You might be telling a man to destroy his family for all you know. :grr:

You're so not a real psychiatrist. If you were you'd be a little more concerned with your liability in telling some one something this drastic. You are responsible legally if he takes your advise, if you are claiming to be a professional. An actual psychiatrist would realize this, and never put their license on the line.

Kwizxi
04-29-2010, 02:34 AM
is it me, or was this thread started in 2008? If that's the case, I'm sure it has been sorted out, one way or another by now.

RED
04-29-2010, 10:54 AM
is it me, or was this thread started in 2008? If that's the case, I'm sure it has been sorted out, one way or another by now.

Zombie threads occur from time to time.

C. David Henderson
04-29-2010, 11:36 AM
Which is one of the things that makes Anonymous-Psychologist-Guy's advice sort of funny, that he'd tell someone he doesn't know who reported a problem in 2008 to take drastic action "NOW."

Tell me, would you take drastic advice that doesn't even take into account the minimal information that is available from a stranger on the web who stands on his supposed credentials while ignoring basic professional ethics and declining to reveal his name? (An assumption of gender, admittedly, based on the threatened-by-women tone of some of what Anonymous said.)

What a jokester.

asdfjl17795
07-10-2010, 06:03 PM
There is nothing you can do but show her that it is truly her you love. Give her a kiss in the dojo if you got to. Whatever it takes to make her happy and comfortable my friend.

Shadowfax
07-13-2010, 01:34 PM
As one of my clients said to me just the other day....

What do you call a Dr who graduated at the bottom of his class?

Doctor.

Kinda wonder how it all came out.