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Sad Aikidoka
03-22-2008, 07:54 PM
I am new to Aikido, just six months, but it is the best thing I have ever done. I have been welcomed with open arms to my Aikido "family" and love every moment I am able to practice.
My problem is..... my immediate family, spouse and kids totally resent every moment of Aikido.
I get snide remarks if I am tired and want to go to bed early,
eg.("If it was Aikido night you wouldn't be tired, you would be out") and ("a seminar? are you serious???, you are getting way too involved!!")
When I get home, my spouse acts like I have commited a grave sin and my teenaged kids are starting to take the same tone.
I don't want to give it up just to sit at home like a "good wife" but if I don't get some support, I am going to have a meltdown.
Any advice?????

:(

Angela Dunn
03-24-2008, 08:02 PM
Hum sounds familiar Only its parents, grandparents and extended family with me! If all else fails then if they get to out of line you have some nifty moves under your belt to put them back in place. Worked for me :P

Okay being serious now, (because seriously would not recommend that unless you seriously think it would help!)

Have they been along to a class with you to watch and maybe join in? Maybe there getting snarky about it because they do not understand what its about.

Or is it an ego thing with them, they can not grasp the concept that a woman is capable enough to succeed in martial arts.

Either way maybe sit down and have a talk to them , try and get them to explain what they have against you training, then explain why you enjoy training. See if you can reach a mutual understanding that way.

If your enjoying it then all I can really advise is to try and ignore them and keep on training. I would suggest telling them to sod off but that may make the situation worse.

dps
03-24-2008, 08:13 PM
I would go to my family doctor and explain that your are taking a martial art called Aikido and discuss the physical benefits that Aikido offers ( stretching, aerobics, cardiovascular, etc) and how much better you are feeling since taking classes. Then ask if this is a good thing for you to do and would she/he recommend that you continue practicing. No doubt your doctor will say yes then tell the family that the doctor recommends that for your health you continue your practice.

David

Randy Sexton
03-24-2008, 09:17 PM
First of all, enjoy your training. Secondly, one of the best things you can model for your children is to find something to be excited about and work hard to excel in because their worst enemy is boredom and complacency. Show them a better way to live. Thirdly, reassure your husband you love him and respect and support him in his endeavors and hobbies and you expect him to reciprocate. Discuss your feelings and concerns in private and ask him to be careful what he says around the kids. He needs to model support and appreciation for his spouse and her hobbies even if it is something he does not want to do. Fourthly, enjoy your training but keep a balance between family and Aikido. Is twice a week work for you and them but three times is too much? Remember that our art is all about balance and dealing with confrontations on and off the mat. Lasly, let everyone know you love them and want their support and don't take the "Aikido Mom" jokes or yourself too seriously. One of my favorite quotes from O Sensei is "practice with fierce joy." Now go and have fun.
Doc

d2l
03-24-2008, 09:59 PM
Why not involve them? I know, stupid question. Maybe you need to sit down and explain that we all need "me" time, and that getting away for a couple of hours will make it so you're not so "bitchy" ;) . Know what I mean? My girlfriend and I used to go round and round with this same issue. I was practicing long before I met her. After awhile I just flat out said either go with me and see why I like it so much, or have a Coke and a smile, and shut the **** up! Now she loves it to the point of where if I'm not paying attention, she'll throw me around the house like a rag doll. Use the reverse psychology on them. :)

Jeep
03-24-2008, 10:50 PM
How many times per week do you go training ? If it is quite a lot then it is understandable for your spouse to complain. If it only a couple of nights per week then he is probably just feeling a bit left out, and some reassurance is required. But if he is one of those guys that is very controlling and doesn't wants you not to have a life of your own, you could always file for a divorce.
:)

Erick Mead
03-24-2008, 11:02 PM
I am new to Aikido, just six months, but it is the best thing I have ever done. I have been welcomed with open arms to my Aikido "family" and love every moment I am able to practice.
My problem is..... my immediate family, spouse and kids totally resent every moment of Aikido.... if I don't get some support, I am going to have a meltdown.Cheer up. Could be worse. It could be golf, and then all you'd have to show for it would be a little white ball. If that -- I usually lose four or five. :D

More seriously, the most important thing is aikido is balance. Balance is not always established all at once, but in small stages. Don't rush or your balance escapes you.

True of life also.

Aristeia
03-25-2008, 02:34 AM
getting your family involved is *not* the answer imo. If they see you not only spending all your time doing it, but also wanting to "suck them" into it, they may become even more resentful.

Ask yourself what's the message underneath the message. Likely they resent the time you spend away, or the fact that it's all you talk about when you are home, and they tire of the invitations to "grab my wrist" (speaking from my own experience here).

Rather than manufacturing a "dr says it's good for me" you need to show them why it's good for you in a way that's relelvent to your family. Which means demonstrating how much more energy you have by giving that energy to them. Being present in the moment and maintaining connection with which ever family member you're with. Leave aikido talk in the dojo unless asked about it. If you're going to a seminar make sure that time is balanced by a special family activity in close proximity. You may even need to trade seminar time for normal training time. If they come to watch a class it should be because they are saying "wow look what happened to you, how can I get me some of that" rather than because you're saying "no really it's great you'll love it come and watch, no really just once, give it a try..."

This issue is likey not about you doing aikido so much as what you're now not doing with them.

MTCW

Marc Abrams
03-25-2008, 07:46 AM
I am an advocate of starting a direct conversation with your spouse (in absence of your children) and then with your children. They are upset and seem to find the "path of least resistance" by acting in a passive-aggressive manner with you. "Irimi"- explain to them what the Aikido practice means to you and does for you. Ask them if they can understand your experience. "Tenkan" - ask them to explain to you what their experience is of you spending time training so that you can understand their experience. "Ai" - When all sides have an understanding of what the other is experiencing, is their common ground that everyone can share (give & take, compromises, understandings, ....)? "Ki"- Approach their negativity with positive energy- caring and understanding of yourself and them. "Do"- Our life is our path. We are solely accountable for our life path. We share that journey with our friends and family. The sharing of the journeys are the relationships in our lives. Sometimes, the sharing is easier than others!

Best of Luck!

Marc Abrams

toomanythings
03-25-2008, 08:59 AM
It's NOT aikido. That's an easy scapegoat, and it's NOT the message. It's too easy to turn yourself into a martyr by thinking your spouse hates anything that you find enjoyable, and by golly you'll keep doing it because you have rights as an individual. That's a lousy way to have a relationship.

The real point is that your spouse and children are feeling that you have not met your obligations to them. Basically, they are feeling neglected. You need to figure out exactly what areas are they feeling it and start doing high-payoff activities with them, e.g. if emotional needs are not fulfilled, consider setting aside special days for dates and outings; if domestic tasks are not getting done, consider hiring help; if you have financial troubles, make a plan for work and spending. This kind of strategic planning is crucial for any serious modern budoka.

I've always felt that the hardest technical part of martial arts by far is not technique or conditioning but having it all organised enough so that there is time for the best possible performance in family and career.

barron
03-25-2008, 09:28 AM
When I first started Aikido I asked my wife to grab my wrist and that was the last time !!!

As was mentioned in previous comments, balance is important. I am lucky that my wife and children all have their own sports and activities. The trick is to achieve balance and I am thankful that my dojo offers 5 sessions per week so I can pick and choose when I practice and work my way around the families schedule.

When the children were younger I practiced 2 times a week and as they got older and more independent have up it to 3 or 4 times.
If I miss a practice I just remind myself that I will be doing Aikido for the rest of my life and missing a planned practice for a family activity (planned or not) is not the end of the world.

Now eight years later the only anti-aikido feedback I get is on the occasions she sees me folding my hakama when I get the " you take more care of that skirt than you do with your own laundry and that pile of clothes in the corner!"

My son jokes about my "Japanese dancing" and my 15 year old daughter just find me generally embarrassing as any girl of that age usually does.

The other thing I've learned is not to talk too much about it unless asked. There is nothing more irritating than a " Born Again Aikidoka".

Good luck with your practice

SeiserL
03-25-2008, 10:17 AM
IMHO, its probably not that the family resents AIkido, it more than likely that they don't feel loved, appreciated, or a priority in your life. Usually if people feel loved and appreciated, they know that they are your first priority, then they are much better at accepting those thing that help us take better care of them.

Larry Cuvin
03-25-2008, 10:20 AM
Sad Aikidoka,
You need to calm down. I get this almost every time I go training from both my wife and my two daughters- mostly from my wife though and I'm going on my 5th year. As long as you don't forget your responsibilities at home as this is the most important one, they should come to realize that you need some time for your self. I don't know about you but in our house, when the queen is not happy---no body is happy ;-)
I think that if you drastically change your life style so much so that it throws-off the rest of the family, the family won't like it. So just keep it calm and get a grip of the situation and hopefully you'll get the right balance between your family and your training.

Hey, if you get good enough to do multiple attacks, let them see what you can do, may be they will realize that it is not good to piss you off :-)

Sad Aikidoka
03-25-2008, 10:22 AM
Thank you all so much for your insight. I am beginning to see that maybe my family is feeling abandoned; I did start this rather suddenly. I was at home with my kids until they went to highschool then got a job and started Aikido all within a short period of time. I am trying to spend extra time with them but usually they all like to do their own things and have me just be there somewhere.
On the other hand my doctor thinks it is great that I am doing Aikido and so do my parents and siblings, so I am going to continue and hopefully I can find a balance that we can all live with.
Thank you again for all your support!!

MikeLogan
03-25-2008, 09:07 PM
I am trying to spend extra time with them but usually they all like to do their own things and have me just be there somewhere.You're in a tough spot. You put your life on hold, more or less, always there for everybody, and now they're uncomfortable that you want something for yourself. No one to make their sandwiches anymore. Fold their laundry. Wash the bathroom.

Hand them a broom, and give them a choice. Attack the kitchen floor, or attack you. Then show them that housework is not as painful as they once thought. They need to learn to not expect someone else to handle tasks they consider beneath them, this is a matter of respect of self and fellow. They also need to let you evolve beyond the role of Mommy, the role of Food-Lady. They need to get over wanting you there, just because they, uh, want you there. Tell them aikido helps you become more you, that it is actually giving you better skills as a person, and therefore as a Mother.

I am blessed, as my girlfriend trains in aikido, so no issue there. As for Hubby, I can imagine a couple of reasons he might feel alienated or left out. If I didn't train, and it was introduced to me through a seemingly over-enthusiastic girlfriend I would likely feel somewhat left out, confused, a little anxious.

1) we would be apart
2) you would apparently be greatly enjoying yourself outside of my presence (meaning you enjoy my absence)
3) The comparison angle; how do I compare to the dojo guys, can I compete, can I show that I can protect the family
4) Traditional roles; (similar to # 3) I should be enough to protect you, and I certainly don't need you to protect me.
5) general martial arts inspired uncertainty; what is it, can't I protect myself without it, what if I should be doing this?
6) a genuinely fair-share of home duties.

Anyhow, I hope it works out for you. Bring lots of assurance, and lots of gentle understanding of husband and kids perspectives, which may be delicate even if they are also a little on the selfish side. Even if all you get out of aikido is increased fitness, it is ultimately a benefit to them.

good luck!

michael.

Encouraged Aikidoka
03-26-2008, 10:49 AM
You're in a tough spot. You put your life on hold, more or less, always there for everybody, and now they're uncomfortable that you want something for yourself. No one to make their sandwiches anymore. Fold their laundry. Wash the bathroom.

1) we would be apart
2) you would apparently be greatly enjoying yourself outside of my presence (meaning you enjoy my absence)
3) The comparison angle; how do I compare to the dojo guys, can I compete, can I show that I can protect the family
4) Traditional roles; (similar to # 3) I should be enough to protect you, and I certainly don't need you to protect me.

Even if all you get out of aikido is increased fitness, it is ultimately a benefit to them.



Thanks Mike,
The above sounds just about right on!! I think maybe especially #2 and #3.

(note: I do still do the housework and the laundry, just not as efficiently as I used to) LOL I need to delegate more :)

Mark Uttech
03-26-2008, 12:22 PM
Onegaishimasu. Going to aikido once or twice a week will keep you busy enough. Seminars are something much further down the road. You only need to build up your own practice the first three years. By attending class once a week no matter what, and no more than three times a week no matter what, testing once a year, aikido should fit nicely into your life. Good luck, you've earned it.

In gassho,

Mark

NagaBaba
03-26-2008, 12:25 PM
I don't understand your problem. Have you learned how to use bokken an jo? - if not, ask your instructor. Then the family members will be more enthusiastic about aikido.

Al Gutierrez
03-26-2008, 01:19 PM
Show (more than tell) your family how your aikido practice is positively improving your personality and activities around the home - be careful to illustrate how your aikido practice makes you more pleasant/fun to be around.

Aikido is in the words of Ueshiba the art of "loving protection" it's practice is also based upon and rooted in respect. I think the sincere practice of REI (formal etiquette) is as important if not more important outside the dojo as it is before, during and after practice. If you want your aikido training to benefit you the most, then be sure to see your practice as something that is for the benefit of your family. Your practice should first of all raise your level of respect and appreciation for your family, they are in many ways the best teachers and training partners you can have. Try to think of your aikido practice as personally making you a better mom and wife at home and not simply be an excuse to get out of the house and to escape whatever may be uncomfortable, unsatisfying or lacking there.

For your spouse, as someone else pointed out, "reassure him that you love him and respect and support him in his endeavors and hobbies". If you really want his support, show him how aikido is improving your desire to frequently receive and harmonize with him. That will surely fix his opposition. ;)

Don't forget that your kids are your kids, and you're the mom, until they are of age they must abide by your rules - insist upon their help around the house because it will teach them responsibility, and will better prepare them for adulthood, but don't neglect your own responsibilities either as you go off to practice several times a week. If you have to go to the dojo one less day a week or forego some seminars for your family, do it. Consistently show them they are more important, and they won't need to resent your aikido.

In the dojo we learn to relax, and we learn to calmly and attentively face challenges and deal with them in mutually beneficial ways. Take those lessons home and make them your own private seminar/practice - your home is your dojo and your family members are your absolute best training partners whether they are cooperative or not. If you're going to practice aikido don't do it half heartedly. Make a commitment to use your practice as a means to lovingly protect and nourish your family relationships and to build your home into strong castle, a refreshing retreat and a sacred shine. There is no competition in aikido - so don't let your aikido practice compete with or against your family, and your home, it's not worth it.

YOUR family is far more important than your dojo family! You still have to lead by example. Your own chores and activities at home, whether cooking, cleaning, decorating, gardening, or whatever are all opportunities to practice aikido! Who would've thought that sweeping, dusting, laundry, ironing, rearranging furniture, tending to the kids, and the like could become joyful activities for practicing aikido? You can integrate whole-body movement from your center with everything you do, you can smile at every challenging chore & situation, drop your center, breath deeply and infuse your approach with a creative positive spirit. You can learn to do things more efficiently, more elegantly, and you can find ways to express your loving care, awareness & attention (zanshin) around the house, and often do much more, with less. You will find that you can actually train at home, and that you will probably learn more (internally) than your dojo mates will at class anyway. Aikido as Ueshiba envisioned it is not about "techniques" as much as it is a "WAY". The way that you make it your own and internalize the lessons learned on the mat, is by integrating the principles into your daily life.

These ideas are not so much my own, but were impressed upon me by one of my instructors.

A.G.

Encouraged
03-26-2008, 01:42 PM
YOUR family is far more important than your dojo family! You still have to lead by example. Your own chores and activities at home, whether cooking, cleaning, decorating, gardening, or whatever are all opportunities to practice aikido! Who would've thought that sweeping, dusting, laundry, ironing, rearranging furniture, tending to the kids, and the like could become joyful activities for practicing aikido? You can integrate whole-body movement from your center with everything you do, you can smile at every challenging chore & situation, drop your center, breath deeply and infuse your approach with a creative positive spirit. You can learn to do things more efficiently, more elegantly, and you can find ways to express your loving care, awareness & attention (zanshin) around the house, and often do much more, with less. You will find that you can actually train at home, and that you will probably learn more (internally) than your dojo mates will at class anyway. Aikido as Ueshiba envisioned it is not about "techniques" as much as it is a "WAY". The way that you make it your own and internalize the lessons learned on the mat, is by integrating the principles into your daily life.

These ideas are not so much my own, but were impressed upon me by one of my instructors.

A.G.
Al,
Thanks so much for the reminder. I need to read it over a few more times and let it sink in.
I do need to put my family first, I have been so intent on "becoming myself" that I may have forgotten what is really important.
"but I really really really want to practice!!!!" :) :)

"receive and harmonize " LOL

heathererandolph
03-26-2008, 04:23 PM
Maybe just ask them for their support during this time. It could be they've had to take on extra chores and don't have you around as much as they are used to. Remind them of how you supported them for all those years.

Maybe you can give them a reward. For example you could add some new family tradition, Friday night make pizza or do something special with each family member..talk to your family for ideas. Create a new family tradition!

When they want to start a new activity, promise you will support them in it. I think it is a good lesson for them. Sometimes mom becomes such a doormat, they don't appreciate all you do. I think they're starting to, now. I think they'll get used to it after awhile, once they realize you are committed to Aikido.

Al Gutierrez
03-26-2008, 06:26 PM
Thanks so much for the reminder. I need to read it over a few more times and let it sink in.
I do need to put my family first, I have been so intent on "becoming myself" that I may have forgotten what is really important.
"but I really really really want to practice!!!!"

Keep on practicing, but remember what's really important!

Keep the balance and if it's a struggle, always err on the side of favoring your family. So what if you manage to find yourself, but lose any one member of your family or simply drift apart emotionally if not physically?

What good is it to gain the world and lose your soul? The point I tried to make is that your practice is not limited to the dojo, your house is your real dojo. It is where your lessons and your new found skills ought to be "sinking in" most. It's where you really discover who you are and where your integrity matters most.

If Ueshiba's vision for aikido was to somehow bring peace into the world by transforming the way we interact and relate to each other, then ours should be first and foremost to bring that kind of thinking home into our own little world, where we really can make a difference.

Gambatte, ne!

A.G.

Bronson
03-27-2008, 12:42 AM
I think back to my mother and how she might have handled it. I think it would have gone something like this...

To Husband:
Grow up and stop whining.

To Kids:
Because I'm your mother and I said so.

:D :D

Bronson

phitruong
03-27-2008, 07:32 AM
I think back to my mother and how she might have handled it. I think it would have gone something like this...

To Husband:
Grow up and stop whining.

To Kids:
Because I'm your mother and I said so.

:D :D

Bronson

No no that is not it. It would be something like this.

To Husband:
Grow up and stop whining. now go take out the garbage and do the yard.

To Kids:
because I'm your mother and I said so (accompany with a smack upside-of-the-head) and go clean your rooms.

Which remind me I need to do the yard. *yes, dear! will work on the yard right away, dear! right after I hit the submit button on aikiweb, dear!* See! now you all got me into trouble!

Encouraged Aikidoka
03-27-2008, 10:52 AM
No no that is not it. It would be something like this.

To Husband:
Grow up and stop whining. now go take out the garbage and do the yard.

To Kids:
because I'm your mother and I said so (accompany with a smack upside-of-the-head) and go clean your rooms.

Which remind me I need to do the yard. *yes, dear! will work on the yard right away, dear! right after I hit the submit button on aikiweb, dear!* See! now you all got me into trouble!

ROFL :):):)

Encouraged Aikidoka
03-27-2008, 01:01 PM
Keep on practicing, but remember what's really important!

What good is it to gain the world and lose your soul? The point I tried to make is that your practice is not limited to the dojo, your house is your real dojo. It is where your lessons and your new found skills ought to be "sinking in" most. It's where you really discover who you are and where your integrity matters most.

If Ueshiba's vision for aikido was to somehow bring peace into the world by transforming the way we interact and relate to each other, then ours should be first and foremost to bring that kind of thinking home into our own little world, where we really can make a difference.

Gambatte, ne!

A.G.

Al,
I am truly humbled by your wisdom.

"What good is it to gain the world and lose your soul?"
Thank you, I needed that reminder this week.

You have helped me go from "woe is me" to "I can see where I need to change my whole attitude".
The whole problem could have been avoided if I had taken the time to think of others before myself. I need to apologize to my family and maybe we can make a fresh start. From now on, I will try to make my home, my first dojo.
I am in your debt.

Al Gutierrez
03-27-2008, 07:52 PM
Encouraged,

Believe me, I'm not immune to losing sight of what is more important sometimes either, none of us are. We all need reminders from time to time, and then again we all need to be "Reminderers" just as well.

If my posts somehow encouraged you or anyone somehow, I consider that a blessing in itself, there's no need to thank me or call me wise, just let it "seep in" and do your part to make your world a little better.

A.G.

Jack M.
03-28-2008, 09:29 AM
As I always say, "It's usually not about what it's about." In other words, the issue here is that your family either a.) feels neglected because of your interests outside of the family or b.) is trying to be controlling and not let you have time to yourself and pursue a personal interest.

I certainly hope that it is the fomer. Either way, IMO, it's not about aikido. If you were to join a book club or do volunteer work at a homeless shelter, I think their reaction would be much the same.

Daniel Blanco
03-28-2008, 01:32 PM
My advice is train according to your schedule,there r, 7 days within a week, 03 days should be yours to train, the remaining 04 you must dedicate to your family.

Mary Turner
03-30-2008, 08:02 PM
This is making me feel so blessed to have a husband who welcomes me home with open arms even when I'm drenched in the sweat of other men.

I make sure to keep him secure in the knowledge that he is my best friend, he is happy that I have something that I enjoy and keeps me strong and flexible :)

encouraged Aikidoka
04-01-2008, 04:42 PM
Update....

So.... I have been talking with my family and putting more of my focus towards them when I am home, and it seems to be making a difference. My husband still is not happy about me being out, but has stopped making disparaging remarks, and therefore the kids are taking a different tone. It seems that it will all work out (although I was kind of hoping to get to use my jo on them)

Thanks again for all the advice.
:)

dalen7
04-02-2008, 02:26 AM
Well you are the mom...the central figure for the family.
Basically your husband and kids are spoiled.

They are accustomed to their own live in cook, maid, problem solver, etc.

I know it sounds rough, and I know they dont realize this...but more than likely you have given of yourself constantly and it is quite easy to take these things for granted.

You know yourself, and cannot be weighed down by any guilt.
I bet you your husband has a night where he does something...gym, friends, not to many people just sit at home.

And the kids, well they have their interest as well.

Not telling you how to approach them or even if you need to.

But...you definitely need 'me' time, or you will implode and when you up and leave the husband and the kids or have a nervous breakdown they will go..."what happened to mom/wife?"..."I didnt see that coming, she was always there..."

Exactly, you cant just always be there for people.

Again, Im just giving a general observation of the typical mother.
Its the maternal instinct to care for the family, and not so for the kids and husband, so they get spoiled and dont realize it.

It may come hard for them if you never had any you time...but reassure them you love them, but at the same time...you have your interest.

Peace

dAlen

dalen7
04-02-2008, 02:37 AM
Update....

So.... I have been talking with my family and putting more of my focus towards them when I am home, and it seems to be making a difference. My husband still is not happy about me being out, but has stopped making disparaging remarks, and therefore the kids are taking a different tone. It seems that it will all work out (although I was kind of hoping to get to use my jo on them)

Thanks again for all the advice.
:)

Being a husband and a father of 4, it is a bit disappointing to see that he is not being more supportive of you and taking a tone in which the rest of the family picks up.

I do not believe this 'manipulation' is intentional, but it never is.
Like a blood parasite - my tone sounds rougher than it is...that is the difference in writing and hearing a voice, by no means am I suggesting you have a bad husband! ;)

but like a parasite we as humans tend to feed off of that around us.
This can get really philosophical, so I will end with that bit and try to use some different words as pointers.

The deal is, as my other post stated...is that in you now having your 'me' time, this does not mean to put even more pressure on yourself to perform at home for the husband and kids. (I.e., more cooking, cleaning, or whatever).

I can see that you would want to attempt to show that you are there by doing more...but its not the quantity, but the quality in what is done.

If you do more...to make up for your missing time...then you will burn yourself out as well.

Its easy to act out of the thought of concern for the family.
But your husband is a grown man, and your teenagers are pretty much grown too.

Space...
This is a good mantra to practice. Allowing each other to be where they are and accepting that. :)

Not sure if my post helped at all, but its more insight because these 'truths' we already all have in us...we just have to 'be still' to hear it.

Best to you and your family.

(truly this was not putting down your family, but merely saying that an individual has the right to do what they feel they need without someone trying to make them feel guilty about it. Of course most of these actions are on an unconscious level and the person is not trying to go out of their way to hurt you, but its an ego game.)

I can only suggest, to give more clarity to what I wrote...and direction, to listen to Eckhart Tolles audio book "A new earth" or join the Monday night Oprah/Eckhart classes while they are still going on.

Again, audio get better mileage than written as the written word can be so easily misunderstood... ;)

What does Eckhart have to do with all of this anyway?
Well besides clarifying what Im trying to say...it gives a good insight into human nature...into aspects of ourselves that we were unaware of...but makes sense once you hear it.

When you get to know yourself, as the oracle at delphi said, then you will be able to let life live...and troubles arent that troublesome...and answers to deal with situations are just there when you need them. (You realize there is nothing you need to change outside of you, but that the journey is inward.)

I will stop now, as I feel that my words are not clarifying this a bit. :D

Either way, the best to you and your family!

Peace

dAlen

Encouraged Aikidoka
04-02-2008, 02:28 PM
Space...
This is a good mantra to practice. Allowing each other to be where they are and accepting that. :)

Not sure if my post helped at all, but its more insight because these 'truths' we already all have in us...we just have to 'be still' to hear it.

Best to you and your family.

dAlen

Thank you for your thoughts. I am amazed at all the good advice I have recieved.
Blessings :)

Mary Eastland
04-05-2008, 03:09 PM
I love that you changed your name to encouraged.
Relatives can be really challenged by change...by fears that you are going away or that you may be becoming someone that won't love them.
I like to remember that this is my one life....no one will be responsible for my choices but me...I need to be loving and responsible to those I love including myself.
Hang in there...you never now what could happen...they might even join you on the mat. ;o)
Mary

boyana
04-12-2008, 03:20 AM
If one does too much for the family,whole life,then that person will end up resenting them.You know ,one day we grow old,sick and look back,and maybe wish we did more for us!

Marc Kupper
04-12-2008, 05:13 PM
Reassure your husband and child (individually) that you still love them and that you are not planning on getting a divorce. “Obviously,” from your husband and child’s view, if mom has been at home for over ten years and then suddenly gets a job, starts doing Aikido, then she must be leaving – maybe she already has a boyfriend? In the absence of hard data people tend to invent worse case scenarios to explain/rationalize your behavior. Your family likes having you around and so acts up to see if you’ll pay attention to the squeaky wheel the way mom always has.

Of course, if you and your husband have been drifting apart then you’ll be taking stock on if you want that drift to continue into a divorce or if you share enough values, beliefs, etc. that the marriage itself could use a tune-up. If you still like the guy then see what sort of “tune-up” things would work for both of you while also allowing you to continue with your Aikido practice.

When I started Aikido my daughter, around eight at the time, was bothered I was gone in the evenings. I switched to mid-day classes (when she's in school) except for one evening class per week and even there I make sure that the family understands the Aikido is a second priority.

Seminars would be tough as you’d be gone pretty much all day or weekend. In my case I’ve pretty much always limited myself to a couple per year.

Marc

Bill Danosky
04-12-2008, 10:55 PM
Keep on practicing, Sad Aikidoka! If you've raised kids to highschool age you have earned some personal pursuits.

If you donated your Aikido time to hanging on your teenager's backs they'd probably want to ditch you anyway. Try offering to miss one session a week if your husband will take you to ballroom dancing class or a couple's workshop.

That ought to get you back some "you time".

dematteo84
01-18-2009, 08:32 PM
You have said that you have tried to spend extra time with them but "they all like to do their own things". It sounds like they only miss you because you have left them to do something on your own. They may feel left out, as if Aikido is somehow more important to you than spending time with them.

If like you say, they do there own thing when your around, it sounds more like the problem is with them, not with you or your Aikido training. I'm not fully sure of your situation, so I don't know if getting them involved with Aikido will work, or if you have tried to do this yet.

I think it is the age old situation of people not missing or appreciating something until it has gone. At least you know they care for you, otherwise they wouldn't be bothered by the fact that you are not around all the time.

It is important to find a balance in life, it can be tricky to find and may take some time. I hope you can find it.

Good luck and good training. :)