uncomfortable

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[Esaemann]

Just an interesting (self-serving) observation from class today that others may have felt.
For some reason I feel uncomfortable being the most senior student in class when there are more than a few people. Probably that I don't feel very confident about my rank. I'm not looking for reassurance, either.
It could also be that I don't think of myself, or desire to be a leader, and it seems that more is expected as one moves up the ranks. I imagine its good for my growth, though. To me, this is external stuff.

This is different than the way things are at the Daoguan where I train. Even though I am new compared to most of the other students, I don't feel the same type of relationship exists between senior and junior students as at the Aikido dojo. The only one to "lead" in the Daoguan is the head instructor. I know there will be some who misinterpret this; I'm not saying a senior student "leads" class in Aikido as opposed to the Sensei. It seems less is expected of the students in the Daoguan, because we are working on ourselves (internally). I'm not saying one is good or the other is bad, just different. Back to my original comment, I must be more comfortable with the latter training. Both types reveal much about oneself. I'm following two paths up the mountain, which will probably prevent me from reaching the top. I guess I don't feel I have to reach the top as long as I keep making headway.

[jennifer paige smith]

Just an interesting (self-serving) observation from class today that others may have felt.
For some reason I feel uncomfortable being the most senior student in class when there are more than a few people. Probably that I don't feel very confident about my rank. I'm not looking for reassurance, either.
It could also be that I don't think of myself, or desire to be a leader, and it seems that more is expected as one moves up the ranks. I imagine its good for my growth, though. To me, this is external stuff.

This is different than the way things are at the Daoguan where I train. Even though I am new compared to most of the other students, I don't feel the same type of relationship exists between senior and junior students as at the Aikido dojo. The only one to "lead" in the Daoguan is the head instructor. I know there will be some who misinterpret this; I'm not saying a senior student "leads" class in Aikido as opposed to the Sensei. It seems less is expected of the students in the Daoguan, because we are working on ourselves (internally). I'm not saying one is good or the other is bad, just different. Back to my original comment, I must be more comfortable with the latter training. Both types reveal much about oneself. I'm following two paths up the mountain, which will probably prevent me from reaching the top. I guess I don't feel I have to reach the top as long as I keep making headway.

insight, perhaps, rhetoric, more likely, but....

Much aikido is taught in a heirarchy that often supports feelings of "needing to be better than......" to climb or fulfill some sense of climbing the ladder. I don't know about the other dicipline you participate in but aikido is a good opportunity to witness that paradigm and it's benefits and shortfalls.

Just don't diffuse yourself too much.

[crbateman]

The only person you should be competing with is you.

The only person who can make you feel uncomfortable about yourself is you.

The only person you can be is you.

See a common theme here? Just train. Do your best. You'll get through it.

[Esaemann]

Thank you for the comments; I appreciate it.
Jennifer, what you say in your 2nd par. is what I was trying to say less clearly.
Clark, exactly what I'm working on, but in two different ways.

[boyana]

Thank you Clark,that would be the answer for me as well!

[SeiserL]

I'm following two paths up the mountain, which will probably prevent me from reaching the top. I guess I don't feel I have to reach the top as long as I keep making headway.
IMHO, its hard to chase two foxes at once. Sequential or compartmentalizing training can assist.
For me, the journey is more important than the destination.