Warrior psychologist

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[billybob]

This is a special thanks to my Sensei John Messores, and to his students.

I have posted some weird and disturbing stuff on aikiweb from time to time. I finally know why. I've remembered all that I blocked as a child and it took a very special person to help me do this.

The memories were locked away under the mind of myself at four years old. I had always attacked and beaten those who brought it up, or was myself beaten down. It took a very special and brave man to help me face the memories and not fear for his safety.

I'm not claming that I was not sane before, but now I can stay out of the mental/emotional place that made me think I was fighting for my life. For me this means - not pushing those in authority until they snap.

Isn't it wonderful that I came to aikido to find someone with great power to hurt me, who chose to help me instead?

Thank you Sensei, and thanks to all who embrace aikido as their way. I owe you one.

David Knowlton, Nikyu, Academy of Warrior Spirit

[Suru]

Dear David,

I must say these are inspiring words. I read your post from my thread on bipolar mood disorder as well. I have met some "warrior psychologists" in Aikido too and they have helped me a great deal. Despite my bold statements about negative attitudes in Aikido, I feel ecstatic that almost every Aikidoka I've met has at least a somewhat positive--if not beaming--spirit. Over the years, I've spoken with some people from your dojo and I understand your gratitude. Aikido was born and is still flourishing because of free-willed self-sacrifice and dedication incomprehensible to my imagination. Maybe we'll even train together someday and share stories of how we made it through our overcast days. I do have an ancestral bond to your city, since it's the location of my father's birth and my grandfather's grave. Plus St. Pete Beach beats South Beach easily. Enjoy it.

Drew

[SeiserL]

Deepest compliments and respect for the courage to be open to the journey and facing your darkest demon (yourselves).

This is Aikido.

[billybob]

Thanks Drew and Dr. Seiser.

I used to walk alone in the dark until I was afraid - then made myself stay there until the fear passed and I felt warmth inside. I've faced my fear of heights and taken flying lessons. I've physically fought others who were much larger. I've trained through intense pain including when having broken bones.

None of these things helped. It took the compassionate spirit of another warrior to be able to walk with me into my darkest place - and not take advantage of me. I have gone to this place before but was betrayed - making it darker.

The oddest thing is I still feel resentment toward Sensei - I think it's from having so many years of practice hating those in authority over me.

Well, we as aikidoka know the answer to that one - more training!

David

[SeiserL]

Well, we as aikidoka know the answer to that one - more training!
IMHO, it sounds like now you are not just training more, but training wiser with mindfulness. Makes the training much for productive.

[Suru]

facing your darkest demon (yourselves).

This is Aikido.

I used to be addicted to the original Mortal Kombat game as an early teen. I would clean our swimming pool each week for $5.00 to exchange for quarters. I practiced plenty of mitori-geiko to conserve funds. I got so good that other guys in the arcade stopped wanting to pay a quarter just to lose. A few, and they were far-between, would lose repeatedly to me but learned from me just as I had done when I was an MK "grasshopper." There was this one guy who was older and was a complete master. When he showed up at the arcade, even if I was in "the zone," he would beat me every time, often with "flawless victories." Then he'd rip my heart out both literally and figuratively or uppercut my head off...pick your fatality. Damn was he annoying to play with.

Now in reference to Lynn's post:

When I had no challengers, I would play the computer. For those of you unfamiliar with the game, you choose a character, then have to defeat all the other characters. Then, before fighting the evil bosses, you have to fight yourself in a "mirror match." I see a metaphor in this: if I can't conquer my own self (ego, ignorance), I don't stand a chance in succeeding in the *game* of life. So, even when that nerdy older guy would whoop my ass, staying in the *game* was worth every quarter.

Drew

[billybob]

This weekend I will try to explain 40 years of learning to my godson. Something like this:

I see life as energy that passes through a focal point or ring - the infinite bound into form.

To live we can be perfectly free, but it's a lonely and dangerous existence - watch Animal Planet for proof. To be human we have to follow certain forms. Only after we submit to some form of authority can we belong and survive. Then, by learning to trust, we come to know ourselves through our reflection in others.

We haven't stopped being animals; our instinct to fight and kill is intact. But, we can train ourselves to be more, if we trust one another. Aikido is one way. There are many others.

So, choose your circle wisely.

I hope he gets it.

David

[Suru]

Aikido is one way. There are many others.

So, choose your circle wisely.



Here's another good, and also imperfect, circle:

http://www.enigmamusic.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11213&highlight=a+catharsis

Drew

[Erick Mead]

... if I can't conquer my own self (ego, ignorance), I don't stand a chance in succeeding in the *game* of life. In those terms, even if you don't, you still will not succeed.. No one ever does. But if you do keep triumphing (there is no once and for all besting of the 'little-me'), the road to the ultimate defeat is far more worthy of your time and attention. All budo ends in failure and death -- as does every other pursuit we may invest with our lives... Worth pondering. Then deciding what do -- anyway.

And if you hold back nothing from it -- who is to say how the battle really comes out in the end -- anyway ??

[billybob]

Good thought Erick.

Makes one appreciate how someone could be Excited before battle! All or nothing, win or lose, live or die. That simplicity has such an appeal. Our lives are just a little more complex off the battlefield and off the mat.

However, since I've realized I have to pick a set of rules and stick by them - I'll have a much tougher time debating you!

dave

[Erick Mead]

Good thought Erick.

Makes one appreciate how someone could be Excited before battle! All or nothing, win or lose, live or die. That simplicity has such an appeal. Our lives are just a little more complex off the battlefield and off the mat.

However, since I've realized I have to pick a set of rules and stick by them - I'll have a much tougher time debating you! By no means. Consistency of rule is the hallmark of good debate. Anything else is just sophistry. And bad budo to boot.

Glad to hear you are doing well.

[Suru]

By no means. Consistency of rule is the hallmark of good debate. Anything else is just sophistry. And bad budo to boot.

Glad to hear you are doing well.

"hallmark"--a new word in my vocab...ty

Drew