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"Harsh realities clash against a frail mind in the midst of utter internal chaos. The "challace" that is the inner-most core of ones self trying to be put back together, but is broken once more." -Troy Copes
This is how I feel everytime I go to work. Aikido has helped me alot in saving my life from my place of employment, but it just isn't enough. I have some bad habits (non-drug related, but as addicting as anything else, and sekf eroding). I try to quit. And it works for a few days, then evil tries to lure me back in; and another battle is lost. All of my life, I've walked the narrow line between myself, and my unknown self. Trying to keep myself in check is becomming harder. Meditation, what used to be my only haven from evil, offers no longer sanctuary; my mind working the next move buzzes around like a wasp guarding a secret.
I know that I am stronger than what I am; than who I am. When I am at the Dojo, I can feel deep within my inner-core, a power waiting to burst forth, but I am afraid. I am afraid of what might come... what might be after the transformation from self to SELF. I have anger that has gathered for 20 years, from schoolyard bullies, to close family being violated, to co-workers emotional abuse. I fear that it is the anger that is waiting to burst forth, and take over. But what if...
What if it is actually my true power, my true TRUE SELF. Reforged through the power of Bushido and Aiki. What if, it will bring a calm to my being that I have so long searched for. What should I do?