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I have been traing mostly constelnly for about 2 years. I spent last ten monts traing on and off. I have meat many people as a reslt of tring at two and half diffrent places. I say more then anywhere else I have meat some of the best peopl in my life , at the core the most genune, even if I have not always goten them and I may never get some. So many though are pure of sprit and I feel safe . What dose it mean to be safe? I use this word to mean I felt like at lest most of the time I could be whom I was. I was not going to be judged infact I found more peope that I was open to there view and they were open to ine. Inotere words there was no two people just one mind mixing and that there was a diffrence it was ok. Everything was ok. There a sence of peace that persuces form that. Porhaps it just my dojos but I belice aikido lends its self to encouraging ones true nature and people feel relxed. This cause us to explore peoae and to find what we are rely at our core and in the process grow closer to the world then jsut the phsical relm that we use to lurn. What is safe to you what dose it feel like and why do that is safe?
I have been having a wave that I have been fighting and drwoing in , intilll I finaly gave in and just road it. In life we seem to find so much our time fighting aginst what is happing that we miss what is happping. My Yoga teacher always tells us that we should inbrance whatever we are at the moment, if we are sleepy then we should rest our bodies and so forth. This consides nicely with one my sisay tells as well she say always stay in your center and invite what is coming towards you. Infact thank it for coming to you. I have recently started concstinly tring agin and am finding that more I inbody these the more often I succed. For me this is hard concept becaue I have very litte faith in me at the moment, I noticing when I can mange it I find it majical. I thought you guys might like thouse ideas that are old but true sayings.
Peace amd happy traing
Tonight i took my 4th Kue test, I should be happy and exceted, but I not! I can't say that any test has gone as plyned , but this one I not even postive that I actuly did some of teques at all. I mean on pervious test I sure I messed up, but not like this and not like you could not even reconise what the teque was. I so , epicaly failyed, onmy difense I siad I was not readdy, but I did it anyway, out of trust in sisay and another sutdent whom siad I coould do it. I gess they were wrong! I feel like I let them down more then my self , becaue I already at lest was nto sure, I gess it just conformed it. Sisay , I don't think has ever not passed anyone, and so I am sure I passed. However, if you look at that fact that he went up to the mom of the other testy and siad she did assume and when my dad came to get me he siad nothing, I must not have done all that well. I feel like if accept the award and belt that he says he will send to me, It would be lie. However , I dear not say that to him becaue I was told along time ago that if you question the belt level then you question sisay, and I addmire him and trust him too much to go disrepecting intealy him. I feel like it more like school he is just doing it because he "has" to or something not like earned it. I know some of the stuff but not nearly as well as I should and I defently failed tonignt. I felt sick to my stumic for the rest of the night , still do. I gess I know now the asnwer to my last blog.. I jsut dont w
I had a hard time trusting people espley for a while....I have resons but there just excuses. I don't know why but in my heart with the core of the dojo my "aikido family" I never relly felt like I cant trust them, at lest not for long. I beging to feel that way now. I was felling a bit like I was on brored time when I came back, entill last monday then I felt like it was "home". I even thought they are like "family" in the good and the bad ways,but with that felling that even if your not on the same page as them at the moment that there still "ther for you". I don't know its nice to have a grup like that. Today I felt like at lest sinsay and some other students kinda thought like so many before them that I was "invalid" of some type and not relly worthy of full attetion nore alowing to fully perterpate. I know some is my frult I should push harder I shold try hearder. Its just the frist time in along time I felt this way with this grup with aikido. I always had to fight for everything my whole life. I always been conserded slow nad the like. I am slow, but I am not stupid and I may nto get it the way you teach it right away but I trying, in so many areas I just had to acceet that it was going to be a battle and that people just werent going toi understand me. I not normal wetever that is. When i singed up for aikiod I went into not relly expecting that to be any diffrent , by gole was to lurn to cope with sutions that I was not sko confuterfable with and do s
In the end of August i went back to my old dojo, my home dojo. Sinsay Dirick Nakaguwa. I had gone knowing that it would be diffrent becaue , I knew that one of the main teachers had left and that he was now runing his own dojo. He had writen me and informed me that this was so. However, what I did not expect but soon descovered is that he had taken with him some of the people that i had expected to reamin loyoal to sisinsay and 2 of the people he "took" were ones that I thought were my freinds. It kinda hurt that for people whom had siad they were my freinds to not even tell me that they were not going to be there anymore. Espely becaus one knew I was coming back to trin I had asked him if the times were the same. However, sisay seemed glade I was back and asked about school. He wants me to test for 4th Kuy before I go back up. Althow, I think i forgoten some of the neames becaue looking at the list it once agin looks like a foren lagure. They did not in the bingners class use the names as much up north. Althow, i have to admit while i went to class, i fell into a pertty bad depertion up there so my dojo treing and lurning retention, was inpared. I suppose due to turble I was having up north with making freinds , is why it hit me hard when I felt like lost some here. Howver, I was welcomed back by sisaisay and also another aikidoist that I had grown kinda close to. That was nice and it felt good to back in an envroment that I liked. Still can frustred and cha
I as those of you whom flow my blogs know , kinda seraching at this point in my life. I frist would like thankyou for reading and even sometimes sharing your thoguhts.
I know that in life your suposed to have life figrued out by 22, but I dont't. I still surching and I for a while know I think still was mostly looking outward. Thow you cant blam me , the wetern clurture teaches that , if you look at there action and fatiths. I recently deced that this is not the path for me , necer was. I just was doing it to fit inand by tring to fit in I was failing more.
I looking at my tring in aikido and I relise that in a way I stared to do the same thing. I loooking for what others want form it and want I am "suposed to do" , I am relising that when I do this I actuly mixing agin what is being tought. In others words while people are teachers and there are specic acktion that you are to take , I think its more about see for your self and trusting your slef.
you are the only one whom can see though your eye so teachers are only guides not the kings or quins that lies with you.
my new metion is to wory less about them and more about me. I not saying I know it all , they are guides but still take it with agrin of saldt and go from there.
Recently I have come to the relstion that I bult up walls to keep my fears out , and now not even a small grain can wege its self in.
I will start with confesing ...I hit rock bottom about 6 years ago, I was consumed in pain and confution, with only one way out. I found some energy(angile or somthing) came to me and stoped me. Wether this was in my head or real I will never know, I just felt a strong sorces of engery that took enoff of the clods away so I could see agin.
Along this time questions that were unasble by my church , begain arsing and the comounty I was in was not aiding them. I begin to shurch for some conction that I knew was missing. One when I was yonger I found in my chourch, I suppose some say I needed to nurthre my "spricrual" side. While I am not sure I know what that means exactly, I knew I need somehting. I surched from church, to church, to place of wership. All that I could get to or think of. I begin reading books and watching flims. I wanted that sence of peace that comes form a deep conction. I found more I lurnd the more questions I had, and the more discourged I got.
What had freed me now tryped me and consumed me. I was looking in a magizing for my local city and found a class called AIkido,I was always drwn to marsal arts , in that I find them intring, but not so into the vilance. My mom siad thow she dated a man once that told her it was the are of "geting the hell out of the way". I decided that it might be worth knowing, th
I have been traing trought school and somewhat at Northcoast since January. I have the same teacher at school that teaches on wendasdays at dojo.
Very diffent expernces in the class room vs dojo, even in how she teaches. Thow it was intresting seeing that last night she too was having to work on lurning how the teacher wanted it done, even thow she has tranded with him for a long time and s black belt. I am always , intregured when I see people whom I think to be so much better then me at my level or in some cases below me.
This may because I used being behind, but this might be an odd reson for liking aikido, but none the less it is one. I like that everyone is teacher and everyone is student. While it is ture as far as basics go , the higher leverl or more time do have a better grasps one teques, but at the same time they are still lurning. I know I asked my sisay here ( the one whom teaches at my school) a question and she like you know I not sure , then the sisiasay aof the dojo answered it latter. she turned to me and siad thankyou, I was conufused on that too but was not sure that was what I was confused. I did not ask but she did ask him , itial for me , then I gess for her self.
I went to class last night tought by sisay Reed. I was trying to figure out what it was that he showed or what it was my partener just showed me he showed. He says " you cant jsut do anything you watnt , you have to do what I showed you!" which ofcourse put me on defense,
I went to a class on monday night at Northcoast akido, I was invited to trin with them. I did ofcorse , I am defently going to join I think now.
I did not do the high fall exercise becaue they still scare me and I dont knwo how to do my part. Sisay reed. Was telling them that the uki has to do there part or the teque wont work and that siad I got sacred.
we satred out with basic roless. I was doing ok but it kinda hurt on there mate , I notced this before even at my home dojo, but never been able to put my finnger on why. After doing a few sisay comes beside me and he say , "that looks like it might be a bit unconfotable" I stop look at him inquistively. he say "I have some ideas on how you might fix that" " you kinda slam into the mat, you need to be closer to the mat, try some closer to the mat " I just did and it actuly helped , imust of had a look on my face to that almost supporse. he siad " now you say tom your the best teacher" I was not sure he actuly watned me to ,so I didnent. I thoguht I knw how to role but always room for inporve ment.