th Dan in 13 years. That's some thing to be proud of. I don't about "ego-less". I think Aikido teach me about "selfish-less". If you focus too much on yourself, you forget about your partner and the world around you. The other posters suggestion about teaching is a good idea. Or you can help out in local charity group, or go on a mission to a third world, then you'll realize how lucky you're. Or you're just too hard on yourself. I know most smart people think they deserve better or can do better than their current status. They want to do something important like to save world like 007. Stop playing games, get out and have a beer with real people.

Hang in there, man. I kinda feel like you do: middle of the road on everything and never stand out. Oh well! Whatcha gonna do? Just a measly 6 months ago, money was tight and my wife and I were trying to figure out what to do to pay the rent. I had money coming... on the way... but it was another couple months away. I'm in real estate: I get paid when the house closes, not goes under contract. NOW... we have purchused a house of our own, have a baby on the way, my car is almost paid for, bills are current and life is doing pretty good! I don't have a perfect house, or wife or dog or car or job... but we're doing pretty good! And in this day and age, "pretty good" is way above average. Look at you: 5th dan at 30 years of age? Rock and Roll! Just imagine where you'll be in 10 years from now? Sixth Dan? How many of those are there in the world? Not too many. If you really want to feel better, go help the less fortunate. Become a "Big Brother" and mentor a child, or volunteer some time at nursing homes... just visiting the elderly. Perhaps you can become involved in the Red Cross or Salvation Army (Christmas is just around the corner!). Like you, I get down sometimes and beat myself up. I'd like to be a writer, but everytime I get going, I see something that makes my work look bad, and I put the pen down for another 6 months. I used to love to sketch and draw... now I never do. I can't think of one thing I'm exceptional at. However... I have exceptional taste in people! I have the very best of friends and where I may not be the best... I damn good and helping the best do even better. Some of us were born to lead. But leaders never do it on their own. It's people like you and me that help make them great! Think about it... And good luck, bud.

You should try World of Warcraft. Its a good game to let out anger on and if you like PvP, try the PvP realms. I do think your fiance is right. You should be thankful. What you need to do is open your own dojo. Start by teaching in your garage or at a local park if you dont have one. Teach at a YMCA or a local gym. Teaching always seems to bring me up. I am sure it can bring you up too. Sharing my knowledge makes me feel worthwhile in this Earth. Try it, youll love it.