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First off let me let you guys know that I'm a guy......I'm mistaken for a girl because of my handle name....
I've been studying Aikido for thirteen years , and I hold a 5th Dan. I am 30 and an African American male . I have a problem with depression.
It seems that I'm no good at anything . I love video games and being competitive in them. I also play Magic:The Gathering in tournaments . The thing is , I seem to SUCK at everything competitively.
Between having a full time job and school , I never have the time to fully practice games ( fighting , HALO) or tweak my decks ( Magic ) . It's not like I don't know what I'm doing . I'm just plain and mediocre . I don't stand out . I think that's what my problem is .
People say to me ...."Is it that important "? and I say ..YES!!! I'm grateful to Aikido for allowing me to look into myself and find some hidden problems . Sometimes , through training I feel a little better , especially when I'm standing in for my sensei.
I feel like I'll never be anything important and I'll just be a drone with a barcode. My fiance' thinks I should be more grateful for what I have and be appreciative for my rank and training. It's always easy when your not the one feeling worthless.
I know that we all strive to the "ego-less self" , but there was a time sometime ago when I thought that Aikido just happened to be one of those martial arts where I'll never have recognition or a name . No title , no belt , no trophy . Just