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In General
Yuki
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#54
 10-28-2003 04:07 PM |
I figured that it might be nicer to name this entry "Snow", after having the first snowfall of the year just yesterday...well, nicer than naming it "Heavy and Weighed Down", or the equally unpoetic "I Hate Ikkyo" title I likewise had in mind. I'll just have to save those for another day, as I'm sure they will be relevant for me again and again.
I suppose for the sake of accuracy, I should say, "I hate feeling clumsy." which is really how I feel. After all, it's not Ikkyo's fault I feel this way. I mean, Ikkyo's just fine...for everyone else...it's me that's all messed up.  For whatever reason, more than likely because I hadn't kept myself well-hydrated yesterday, neglecting to drink much water before heading off to class, I spent last night not only feeling parched, but like I was dragging this enormous weight around inside. And I don't mean the good, magical kind that keeps you centered and with weight underside. Or at least this is how I felt whenever I was nage.
It got to the point where I really relished my turns being uke, particularly the not-having-to-think-only-react part of it. It was like having a little rest break between rounds of unending frustraton. I almost got way too comfortable on the mat; getting pinned was actually quite relaxing to me...lying there, unmoving, the mat nice and cool against my hot, sweaty cheek. I probably could have fallen asleep there, watching the falling snow.
But I didn't. I didn't want to let my frustrations sink me further into apathy, so I kept on going. I really should have asked for a water break, or maybe I should have opened the window and took a nice deep breath of fresh air --- anything to refresh my spirits, instead of plodding along like I did.
I wonder if this is a case where letting everything go would have helped...usually the only way I end up completely immersed in something is to feel confident enough to do it again and again. No feelings. No distractions. I need to find a way to keep my mind clear of the intrusive and stagnating feelings of frustration, something to make me feel light of body and spirit --- light and fresh like drifting snow...
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