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Onna Bugeisha Blog Tools Rate This Blog
Creation Date: 07-22-2009 02:01 PM
From a big fish in a small pond to a tiny fish in a big sea.
Blog Info
Status: Public
Entries: 86
Comments: 159
Views: 243,459

In General I don't like the dark..... Entry Tools Rate This Entry
  #38 New 11-04-2009 05:01 PM
Imagine being in a room you are somewhat familiar with. You have a general idea of where things are and you could go and get something if someone asked it of you. Now, imagine that same scenario, except the room is pitch black. You can no longer see the room well enough to navigate; you have lost your sense of direction. You are left with nothing but your memory, which you just can't seem to recall with much clarity. All you have is what little muscle memory you have from walking around that room from time to time. This is how I feel with my 5th kyu exam a day away. I have never had to grade before. In all my previous years of training, I never tested. The rank was awarded to you when they thought you earned it.

::cue dream sequence:: The one time I had to test was for a patch. You had to go out in front of the entire dojo by yourself and do a kata (Shaolin Strike Kata #1). Once you finished, everyone in the class then told you what you did wrong. Once everyone gave their opinions, my teacher would then decide if you had earned the patch. I was a green belt at this time and this was the very first kata I had learned. So, I had been doing this kata for over a year. I pretty much knew this kata in and out. I could do it forward, backward and if you called out a number (there were 21 moves), I could easily do that move without thought. In fact, I had already performed this kata alone in front of everyone in the past without a problem. The fact that I was being tested changed everything! My confidence in my abilities suddenly flew out the window. I was nervous and my memory completely left me. If it weren't for me being able to do the kata without thinking about it, I probably would have just stood there in the ready position staring at my sensei. Turns out, I did just fine and I didn't get any negative feedback at all. I passed and received my patch. They complimented me on how well I did and that I showed great composure. The truth is, I was shaking in my gi! I was so scared that my body was still shaking even when the second hour of class had begun! ::dream sequence over::

At this moment, if you were to ask me to do a given technique for my upcoming exam, I would be able to do it. My technique wouldn't be perfect (which is expected), but I could do it. The problem is, I just can't help but think back to how I felt testing for that patch. That was just one kata and I had been doing that kata for over a year. I have not been doing all these techniques I'm being tested on for over a year. I'm afraid that when the test comes, it will be as if someone turns out the lights and the somewhat familiar suddenly seems so unfamiliar. I'm afraid that I will be fumbling around in the dark, stubbing my toe while looking for the light switch. I have never been fond of the dark. I have always said "I am not afraid of the dark, I'm afraid of the things I can't see in the dark." Part of this comes from growing up with crazy people living across the street (I'm talking about- someone chasing another person through my yard with a sledge hammer- kind of crazy) and knowing that someone was raped down the street from me (Note- I actually lived in a nice rural area with corn and soybean fields all around me and this stuff wasn't the norm, but it still made me cautious).

All past events aside, I guess what it really boils down to is that I simply do not trust myself enough. I don't have the confidence in my techniques. If I felt that way after a year of doing a kata, how am I going to feel on this test? We don't do those techniques every day and I certainly am not competent with those techniques. I do not know them inside and out. Heck, I don't really know them at all. The techniques and I are not friends; we are acquaintances. You know- the type where you know their name and a bit about them, but you don't really know all the details. Then a voice in the back of my mind tries to calm me down. It says "Believe. Believe that you are stronger then you give yourself credit for. Believe that your sensei wouldn't ask you to test if you weren't ready. Believe in yourself!" I take a deep breathe and a sense of serenity takes over, if but for a moment. And that is when I realized something. Sure, I have never graded in martial arts, but I have been pushed to my limits and tested countless times throughout my life. I guess the thing I have come to realize is this: when your back is up against the wall or your face is in the mud, keep pushing, keep fighting, because you never know how close you are to conquering whatever it may be that is stopping you (even if it is yourself).
Views: 1989 | Comments: 3

RSS Feed 3 Responses to "I don't like the dark....."
#3 11-05-2009 12:32 PM
ninjaqutie Says:
I would be completely crushed if I failed, but I wouldn't quit. I'm not that type of person. Once I commit to something, I like to see it through.
#2 11-05-2009 12:07 PM
Rob Watson Says:
HA! That is me every morning stumbling around trying to get out of the house for morning class. Kids leaving toys and what not little traps scattered randomly about. Doesn't really hurt that much when stepping on a megablock and the pain is short lived. Same with the test only hurts a little and is over with soon enough. So what of you fail (I did several times) are you going to quit or just keep training?
#1 11-04-2009 08:32 PM
Shadowfax Says:
lol I felt much the same way right before my test. Hey I'd only been training for a few months. You can do this and you will feel amazing after it's over and you have succeeded. The real point of the test is to see what you can do under pressure. I'm sure you are going to do just fine.

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