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I think it was Ledyard Sensei who said that many people drop out around shodan because they realise that to continue means changing and that is too scary too them.
I think I'm right there at the moment. There are bits of me that need to die. I feel, have felt for a while, that I'm like a butterfly in it's cocoon just waiting to spring out. It's not that changing scares me so much, I need and want to do it, but I need a push.
It's like I'm waiting for something. I feel that quote from O-Sensei about how if we're not always growing we're as good as dead, I feel it heavily on my mind.
I can't go on as I am, that's for sure. I'll end up dead. The old me is dead, or dying, it just needs finishing off.