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Decided I'm not training tommorrow, I'm going drinking. I've had enough. Sensei's getting me ready to grade again in feburary. I'm just thinking "Can I even be bothered with this?" and the answer at the moment is "No."
I'm going to have to tell him that, frankly, I can't be arsed with 1st kyu. Enough is enough. I've been studying Aikido for seven years three of them have been dedicated to first kyu, I've tried it four times and failed four times, I've had enough. I no longer care if I never get first kyu.
I just want to train and enjoy training without the stupidity of "at the level you're going for" hanging over me. No disrespect to Sensei, but if the people senior to him can't make their mind up what they want, can he seriously prep me for it? First I'm too rough, then I'm too soft, then I'm too rough again, then I'm too soft again.
It's gone on far too long for it to have any relevence to my Aikido life, it's a distraction from training; the whole thing has taught me that gradings and rank are meaningless. I just want to be left alone to train.