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I think I'm fighting to become me. I feel that this explains my depression most of the time, aside from the fact that I'm bipolar and all that. More like fighting to just be me. I can't quite believe who I am, that's what therapy seems to be showing me.
And usually when I'm just being me it's on the mat because I'm being attacked and there's no space in my head to be anything else; I can't hold on to myself and respond at the same time and it feels awesome.
The grading panel want to see if I'm good enough for dan grade, so I'll show them me. Not an Aikidoka, not a martial artist, not a student, not a 1st kyu hoping to be dan grade, not how I think I should be, just me.Not even me doing Aikido anymore.How can I do Aikido? I can't seperate me from my Aikido, it is not something I do: It's who I am so I will be me. Just me.