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Reading another blog I was drawn to this idea of The Lost Student...
If I had to describe my intentions in this world in one word it would be "student." It's been one of the most central concepts attached to my personal identity...and I'm proud of this fact. Growing up I felt it was ok to be ignorant or lacking somehow as long as I was working on it; as long as I was studying how to be better. In many ways it became my safe-haven whenever I felt less-than-adequate.
I feel it's been both a blessing and a curse for me though. A curse because at times it's allowed too much of a sense of slack. I didn't have to hit the mark, "because I was trying." There are other factors involved in this too. I have a strong perfectionist streak in me and, recognizing that, I've been afraid at times to give it too much reign over how I respond to things, making me at times a little too stoic.
That said, at one point I lost my life's ambition...gave it up, really. I went from having a drive about which to organize all my actions, to no clear motivation. I began to live more and more moment to moment and my motto became, "the unaimed arrow never misses." I still identified myself as a "student of/for life," but I was no longer organized and the more I slipped into this mode of thought, the more inconsistant I became overall. Part of the reason for this was as a defense-mechanism for my growing depression...and it was definately a circular dynamic since part of the reason I became depressed, in my opinion, is the lack of direction and purpose.
So, at any rate, I became more and more of a lost student. In retrospect it wasn't as bad as it seemed at the time. Also, if I hadn't gone down the path I did, I wouldn't have the family I do now, and I don't think I'd trade that for anything...except maybe everlasting world peace and harmony...and I think I'm safe from having to make THAT sacrifice.
Now I find myself coming back to my own personal kind of one-point. My eye is suddenly discovering targets again; purpose. And I have a lot of what people euphamistically refer to as "life experience." All in all, not so bad I guess, though at times when I was feeling very lost, it seemed I was tumbling into oblivion.
Funny how the mind works both as a powerful tool when organized, and a powerful hinderance when not. Even when without a purpose, when it's organized, purpose seems to pop up unexpectedly.
I'm still quite the stoic, but now it seems my purpose in life is to find cohesive and functioning organization. To build up myself so myself can build up my household and my household can help build up the world.
Anyway...top o' the head now swept clean, it's time for chores.