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WARNING This journal entry has little to do with Martial Arts
I was running this morning and thinking about my highschool days. I was so rediculous. I used to fight everyone that crossed my path if they thought they could take me. Why? I do not know. I was raised a fighter. I was raised in an environment where my unlce (only 5 years older) would fight me for practice. He would tell his friends to fight me as well just to "make me tough". I was also taught martial arts, which didn't make it any better for the other people.
To me fighting was the answer to prove something. What something was I had no real clue.
I learned later in life that I was only proving my inadequacy to end confrontation with a verbal argument. I had no clue how to communicate except with my fists.
I passed this legacy to my brother who I feel I helped raise. I wanted him to be tough like my father before me wanted. I was such a moron. I treated him hard because I wanted him to be "hard".
Now years later I wonder why I don't have a relationship with him. It's because he is still hard. Maybe not fighting wise, but hard to feelings. I assume he has none for me, and that's fine. There's nothing I can do to change this. I have tried multiple times to get a hold of this man and rekindle a relationship, but it's impossible. He cares nothing for me.
I wonder at times if he has children, if he thinks of me, if he knows that I am sorry for setting a bad example for him. Through all my years of martial arts and the Lord, the one thing I finally learned is that each decision we make effects the rest of our lives.
I live in guilt for the things I have done in the past because I have opened my heart to other things than just fighting. I have grown inside more so than physically.
I have also changed my way of teaching. I used to focus on the fighting aspects and teach people techniques and how to develop Ki. Now I also try to use my influence to help people be better people as a whole.
This is weird to some, but instructors are more than just teachers of martial arts, they are mentors changing and shaping the way people live on a daily basis. We are role models and people that are looked up to by the community if we have given back. This is a huge responsibility and we owe it to help shape our world to be better, not just tough.
Anyways, Ill jump off my sopa box, I have some running to do. :P
09-20-2005 11:01 AM 