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Only three of us showed up for class this morning. One brand new person, me, and one of the yudansha it was a slow class, working in a single group of three. I was hoping to get some work in on my test, but alas it just was not destine to happen this morning. A bit of a let down, but I guess that there are days like that.
One of my biggest frustrations with progressing in rank, is that there begin to be a lot more people of lower rank than you. This sounds strange, I liked it when I first started seemed that everyone knew a lot more than I did and it was incredibly easy to learn from people. You didn't have too root out the lessons in your own practice, you didn't have to work as hard to make big steps. Now I get the same experience when working with my Sempies as I always have, just that now there are a lot fewer of my Sempies than there used to be. I am not doing a very good job of conveying this here. I love training in Aikido, I like teaching, as well as I am able, Aikido to other people. I just see how much more there is for me to learn, and how much of what I know is only partially right. It makes teaching Aikido very frustrating. It makes being the highest ranked person in the room difficult in some ways. I want to be a good helper, but I want to learn too, so I am conflicted, especially when it seems so hard to pry things out of the cracks when looking for them in others, or when working with new people. I know that there are a lot of lessons to be learned there, but they seem extremely difficult to pry out for me right now.
For instance when working with Noel on Tuesday night. I know instantly when I am pulling or pushing him, I can feel it. Same with Victor who will instantly reverse the technique on me when I do it. It can be frustrating, but I know that I am not flowing. Noel will work with me and exaggerate my errors, I see them, and can work on them. When working with new people is it that they have no Ukemi skills, or is my guiding of the energy complete shit???? AHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHH. All I know is that I don't have the skills or the knowledge to know. THIS IS VERY VERY FRUSTRATING RIGHT NOW!!!!
There were things to watch and learn from this morning, both things that the other two people were doing correct and things that I knew could have been better. I worked on some of the things that Noel had worked with me on Tuesday night. However it was hard to really get into anything.
I was kind of disappointed when I entered the Dojo and knew instantly that it was going to be a slow easy going training secession, probably not a whole lot if any focus on what was on my test. I took a deep breath and let my expectations go. It didn't completely cure my problem though.